How to rebuild trust?

Question

My bf of almost 3 years had an emotional affair with a co-worker. We broke up after he told me about it for about 3 months. We decided to get back together and then we were engaged 5 months later. but i haven't been able to trust him 100% since we got back together. Since then he has found another job but he now shares and office with another women and i am unsteady about his partnership with this women. I love him and he loves me. I am always questioning him about the women that he talks to and checking his cell phone. We have been fighting alot the last couple of month and recently broke up again but he is still living with me since I was laid off from my job. He feels that he needs to stay and help me withthe bills until I get back on my feet. We are also talking about how can we fix this situation, but he tells me that he needs to feel trusted again. How do i learn to trust him again?

Answer 1

At the risk of sounding too much (or even quoting) Dr. Phil, your BF is the one who destroyed the trust and if he wants your relationship to work then he has to be patient and completely transparent with you until *you* feel you can trust him again. You aren't going to be able to trust him "unless and until" he really understands how much he's hurt you and the true deep impact his behavior has had on you. If you don't feel like he "gets it", no amount of wishing (on his part or yours) will make you trust him. Rebuilding trust *can* be done and it *does* take time. He needs to be willing to be open and transparent for as long as it takes. And 'as long as it takes' varies from person to person.

Answer 2

Re-gaining and re-earning a trust once it has been tainted or broken can be quite difficult. You are normal in feeling the way that you do, but if you love him, you must be willing to give him another chance at repairing that trust. This basically means not checking his cell phone, asking him 20 questions all the time, and verifying every little suspicion. It's not easy for you, but if you want to know if you can allow that 100% trust back into your relationship, you must work as hard as he does in re-establishing it. Of course you don't want to open up yourself to that old pain and betrayal again, but is it worth being on alert every minute of your life together? What kind of relationship would that build? Try to look on the bright side, at least it was only an emotional affair. Another thing, he can't avoid women as long as he exists on this earth. You shouldn't have to worry all the time and he shouldn't have to keep trying to prove himself every day. Think about it...........It could have been much worse. Focus on what your relationship may be lacking.........either it be communication, quality time together, etc.......The things that will make your relationship stronger and better......

Answer 3

If you don't trust him, you should not be in this relationship. Love is not the issue here, trust is. No trust makes for a terrible relationship. You are sneaking behind his back to check his cell phone, email, asking him questions about different women because there is no trust. This is no way to build a deeper relationship. Forget the marriage plan and move on.

Answer 4

Trusting someone who's broken your heart before is definitely one of the most difficult challenge in this earth. But it's not impossible.

I guess you've to detached yourself from what he did and who he is. Do you really love him for who he is? If yes, what he did (actions) is not equivalent to who he really is. People make mistakes (cliche) and when they do, there's nothing much we can do to turn back the time and undo the pasts.

But what we can do is to make choices:
- let go completely
- solve the issue

I think you are trying your best to solve this. Trying to trust him again but it's tough when the ghost of the past keeps reappearing.

Try these steps:
1. Remember to love yourself. Put yourself first no matter what. Make sure you are happy be it trusting or not trusting, you have to be happy.

2. After you clear about yourself and calm yourself down, ask yourself, what do you really want? Do you want to be with him and taking baby step in trusting him again every day or do you want to just let go and move on (another not-so-easy phase)?

3. If you want to trust him again, he gotta know that too. Talk to him. That it's very difficult for you ... but you want to. You've tried and sometimes the going really gets tough. You need his help. You need his constant reassurance. You need him to also put effort in your journey of healing and trusting. He has to do his part also after what he has done.

4. If after the talk, he doesn't change much and you too can't trust much, I guess, it's time for you to let go and find someone who truly deserves you and able to make you happy without much worries.

Hope this helps.

Answer 5

You both need to sit down and talk and find a middle ground to solve this problem. You both seem to have something good but you just need some work. He needs to show you that he is yours and to build trust he needs to show you he is not into these other women. You will always be tempted that's human its what you do when tested that shows how committed your are to the other person. Good luck!

Answer 6

thats sorta hard. you need to be honest with him. say that its really hard to trust him and see what he is doing, cause of what had happened before. he needs to see where you stand and how he can fix it. i think that he wants to get back with you, and if you want to take the risk and love again thats good for you. but first talk about it, be honest tell him how you feel. so he understands where you are coming from and what not. just talk. then maybe, you are both able to see what you can do from then on. if you want something going on again, talk about it. please, thats really the only way it works. and not sneaking behind each others backs, that will definately not work.

Answer 7

It sounds as though he truly cares about your welfare; ie. helping you with your bills, etc. You must decide whether or not you love him. If you do, and if he has not given you reason to distrust him since that first "emotional affair", you must put the past to rest and not waste your future with this man by worrying about something you cannot control. I wish you both a good life together.

Answer 8

probably never will. Has he ever given you a reason to not trust him since his ONE affair? If so then he is a player and you should kick him out. I was dating a girl who was repeatedly getting caught cheating with other guys (and girls). She was REALLY bad at hiding things. We broke up and it hurt for a long time but i realized I'm better off without her. I'm sure my constant checking up on her wore on her too, she couldn't do anything or go anywhere without me checking on her. If you bf hasn't done anything since his one time, lighten up or give up. No one is perfect and true love is forgiving.

Answer 9

we need time to love someone, to forget someone , and i think we also need time to trust someone all over again...we need trust to build a good relationship...i know that he done u wrong before,but as u chose to back with him then u also need to trust him again...u need to trust urself too that he wont do this anymore..u must convince urself that u are better than any other girl he had seen...maybe it's a test for ur relationship..if u could overcome this, then i think u would be the happiest girl....trust me...u must trust urself , trust him, and trust his love...worst to worst if he do something wrong to u again, dun be sad....and dun ever give him another chance anymore...ok ? wish u good luck

Answer 10

Not easy but life must go on.. Give him another chance