forgiving your mother?

Question

My mother was never there for us and left my to raise my two younger siblings. She comes and goes as she pleases these past 10 years. Well now she is back and says it has all changed, wants to be with us again. She done this before and left, so i dont know if i can trust her to even for give her? i believe in second chances but how many after that are you suppose to give?

Answer 1

Tough choice. Someone once told me that you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. Sad but true. I dunno, she's your mum. If she wasn't your mum, would you choose her as a friend?

It's your decision, but maybe you can say to her that this is her last chance and next time, you won't let her take you on an emotional roller-coaster ride again. It's not fair to you or your siblings - she needs to grow up.

Answer 2

my mother left me at a few weeks old with the next door neighbour, she then came back when i was five but left again after having more children which always stayed with her. at ten shre decided she wanted me to live with her but changed her mind after two weeks telling me it wasnt fair on my sister as she was used to being the eldest and that her boyfriend would have to make a new claim on the state and it was all hassle she could do without. i didnt see her for 8 yrs until i was pregnant and i thought she had changed. she went all out to help me with the baby then borrowed money off me and banned me from her house cos she dint want to pay it back!!!! she has spread rumours and done other non motherly things. when ppl ask how many children she has she doesnt count me. i gave this woman chance after chance and all she did was piss on me. my point being that just because she is your mother doesnt give her the divine right of being forgiven. you need to put your needs and your siblings needs first. why should she swan back in and expect to just live happily with no repercussions from the past. the last choice is with you. if you feel she hasnt changed then dont let her back in. this will give the incentive for her to prove to you and your siblings she can be trusted. make her show you. if she cant then you'll know you did the right thing and if she does show change then you did the right thing again. she's your mother yes. but she hasnt acted like it and you owe her nothing. she owes you. good luck

Answer 3

The predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

I believe in second chances too, however; you gave those to her when 'she came and went'. Things changed? Terrific. She should do it alone and SHOW you guys. That will be the only thing that you can do is that, to protect yourself and your siblings.

As far as forgiveness. That is a toughy I've been in your shoes, walked a mile (or more--or less) and can tell you that forgiveness sometimes can't happen. Not right now. It is too soon, too raw and with her continued leaving and coming back you couldn't heal just from that. The abandonment you justifiably feel sometimes doesn't go away. Forgiveness does not equal forgetting. You could forgive her and still not allow her back.

From personal experience, don't let her in until she has proved it to you for a year. If she can do that, and she has stability in her life; then terrific that's what may be needed. But don't inadvertantly open this door to what she thus far has proven nothing but pain.

Answer 4

Only you can decide how many chances to give someone, especially someone like your mother. You'll know she's ran out of chances when you are no longer bothered by what she says, does or acts. Sounds harsh, but guess what, I've been there, done that, got the T-shirt, and came out the other end! And you can, just stand your ground, otherwise you only set yourself up to be dissapointed again! Yes I know you may think she won't dissapoint you or let you down, but sometimes thats the way it goes hun. How I wish I listended to others just a few days ago in a Question I asked on Yahoo! Answers, as my bro has yet again let me down. So thats it with him too now, I can't take anymore from the pair of them!

Answer 5

Hi there Papillongirl, I think that it is admirable that you have managed to raise your two younger siblings. It sounds like your mum is some kind of a 'free spirit' who has problems with commitment. It is true that you only have one mum, and regardless of the past ten years, it seems to me that you do genuinely love her. However, from past experience, you know what your mother is like. So, in this case, it may be best that you do forgive your mum, but keep it in the back of your mind that she could go at any given time. Then if she does stick around it is a bonus. Unless your mum is a really bad person, you may be able to find it in your heart to forgive her and 'tolerate' her being in and out of your life. Would you be able to accept the possibility of seeing her at intervals in your life, rather than on a regular basis? See how it goes, get to know her while she is around; and let her know that she would hurt you if she went away again. Tell her how you feel. She may have changed this time, and wants to settle down. Get to know her, and try to find out and understand why she went away and left you in the past. Not all mothers are intrinsically maternal. You are grown up now, and although it would be nice to have your mum around, you do not need her to look after you. You coped before, and if your mum goes off again, you will cope with it. Try to be compassionate, even if it means allowing your mum to come in and out of your life at intervals, at least you do get to see her. I wish you all the best! :o)

Answer 6

I can understand your hesitation to let her back into your life.
She is your mother, but that doesn't give her the right to do what she has done. Talk to her, find out where she's coming from. Let her know how you feel.
You can forgive your mother, without giving her the ability to hurt you again.
She will have to earn your trust again, and given her past mistakes that should not be a shock to her.

The only person you end up hurting by not forgiving some one is yourself, because you are essentially refusing to let go of the pain.

Answer 7

Just carry on with your life, if she chooses to move near you and get involved fair enough but don't accommodate her in any way. That way if she goes she goes, she will probably return again anyway. Sounds like she needs you more than you need her, you have learnt to survive all this time with or without her, it is hardly fair that she thinks she can come and go as she pleases, most mums take being a mum more seriously. It is a life of sacrifice.

Answer 8

Wow this is a blast from the past, you know what it is going to take along time for you to be able to trust your mom. She has caused a lot of pain for you. Trust and forgivness are not the same thing.

You can forgive with out laying your self open for another let down.

In my family, it was my dad that was never there. He would run off for weeks, months, and at times years and then pop up like nothing ever happened.


believe me when I say I know how you feel. I never really got to know my dad. because of this. I didn't forgive him either I held on to that pain and anger until this year. My dad died when I was 12 years old. I am now 38 years old. That is a long time to dwell.

I know that this is going to sound really stupid but you need to forgive her, for your own good. except the fact that she hasn't been there and that is just the way she is. never expect any more from her. enjoy her when she is there and expect her to walk out again.

There is something in her life that keeps her from commiting even to her own children. Maybe it is her low selfesteem or the fact that there is some kind of depression or maybe she just can't believe that she deserves to be loved. there is a reason weather or not you will ever know that reason or not.

I really want you to let go of all the anger it really is the best thing for you. Holding on to that anger and pain only keeps you a victim. It will cause you to miss trust people. and keep you dwelling on your past instead of looking to your future.

I know that the reason you are so angery isn't really about you, more about watching what it does to your sibblings when she walks out. You have taken care of them protected them and held them when she ripped thier hearts out. It is a normal reaction to become furriouse at those who hurt the ones you love.

Don't let her take any more from you. If you are a prisoner of anger and hatered she still has power over you. Show your sibblings that holding on to anger is a bad thing. And not to expect her to change.

If she does great, people can change they do it all the time, but in this case you are better off to not expect anything more than what it has been in the past. If you aren't expecting things to change you cant be disappointed if they don't.

Let your mother know how you feel, Tell her that it is nice to see her and to spend time with her but the whole trust thing just isn't going to come that easy. Tell her that you except her for who she is and that it hurt a lot every time she walked out on you and your sibblings. Tell her how painful it was to try to comfort them, and answer the question why doesn't she love us enough to stay. Tell her that is why it will take a long time for you to ever trust her again. Forgivness is excepting that someone has hurt you, and releasing that pain. It does not mean that you have to lay your self open to be hurt again.

Answer 9

We carry pain as a product of unforgiveness
PAIN is like a poison that can eat your flesh out.
It is burning inside of you, so much so, you think
you have no way out .
I just pray that you can learn the power of forgiving . . .
where you can find your self free from all of these
feelings .
It is something not very easy to do, which i mean
not just say it but do it, but once you learn it , you can
feel something has just got out of you, then you'll back
to who you are.
I recommend that you read books on forgiveness, that
maybe you can find it useful and thankful that you did.
Just read some related materials that relates to your
situation, and at the end they're out of it.
You're mom knew she's done something wrong and
what she tries to do now is to at least have a little chance
to let you know that you are still a part of her life, that she
just can't throw you out of her being.

Please do something before it's too late,
we don't know what's tomorrow.
.
PLEASE REMEMBER :
THERE'S A REWARD IN FORGIVING . .
your heart will tell you that.
.

Answer 10

I think you should give her another chance but just be prepared for her to let you down again, dont expect too much from her she obviously has problems. You only have one mum she make the most of the time you have with her - she wont be around forever!

Answer 11

You dont have to worry yourself too much right now about forgiving her. She needs to prove herself, but you need to be wary and protect yourself and your younger siblings. Let her in, but just be cautious. Only time will tell, I think you already know that you will give her this chance, but be guarded. You are the mature one out of all of you, and it will be up to you to overview the situation. If she lets you down again, then you know this is her last chance and you need to protect your family. I hope she doesnt, but you dont know till you try, though I feel you dont expect a good outcome. xx