My dad wants to bring his ex-wife to my wedding. My mother hates her. HELP!!?

Question

My dad's second wife was very mean to me when I was younger and he wants to bring her to my wedding. They were married for 8 years and have been divorced for 9 years. He says she has changed and that he loves her. My mother does not want her there and she's paying for the wedding. I believe she probably has changed but I don't know what to do. I don't want to make my mother mad because she has done so much for me, but I also don't want to make my father mad because he is also paying for the wedding. I want him to be happy and I don't want to be a bridezilla. How do I deal with this? I told him how I felt and that I didn't want her to be there but he insists she has changed and he really wants her to be there with him.

Answer 1

Tell your mom and dad to sort it out. They both keep telling YOU how THEY feel, so now they need to work it out among themselves. It's THEIR issue since THEY got divorced- tell them to leave you out of it.

Answer 2

If you don't want her there, then she's not invited. Period. This is where you stand up to your dad, being prepared to accept the consequences (him refusing the pay for what he's agreed to). It would be different if she were still married to him, but since they've been divorced for 9 years now, and you didn't get along with her while they were together, to me it seems a moot point. I wouldn't be nasty or rude about it, and tell your dad you would love to get together with the 2 of them after the wedding, but that you are concerned about your mom, and you don't want to risk that your father's ex-wife has changed (or hasn't) at your wedding. You're just trying to avoid a scene, and/or a potentially uncomforable situation. Good luck.

Answer 3

Dear Curly,
Frankly, dear, it doesn't sound as though your Dad's other wife has changed at all. She has to know that she would be unwelcome, but is (you can BET your life on this one, hon) insisting that she be included in your wedding day because she can do it. She has no interest in your feelings, or your Mom's. Your Dad is a moron for getting involved with her again, but that's not your problem, except for how it impacts your wedding.

This woman is as much trouble now, as she was before... and has reappeared to cause you grief once more. Talk to your Mom about cutting back on the expenses for the wedding. Tell your Dad to take a hike and stay home with the old gal since she seems to be more important to him than you having a beautiful wedding. Good luck, hon.

Answer 4

this is hard any way you cut the pie the ex is kinda a hard roll to have an some are mean an what not but if your dad is also paying for the wedding along with your mom i think the reception will be a large one an no one has to sit together i say for one day why cant everyone be civil an let her come it can be you sending a olive branch over an make mends life is to short to hate an hold grudges but if you strongly feel you do not want her to go can u afford what dad has paid he might want his share of the money back an not have him walk you down the isle an vise verse can u afford if they come having you mom upset pulling out an not fluffing your dress its a hard one as i say let everyone come set them across the room an let nature take its coarse

Answer 5

Normally I would say invite her and just be done with it. BUT this woman has been very mean to you, it doesnt matter how she has changed that wont magically erase the years of torment you put up with in dealing with this woman. I would sit down with your father and really talk to him so he will listen to you. Tell him that its YOUR feelings that arent being considered, go through the laundry list of things she did to you and the way she made you feel for all those years and MAKE him understand that even though he may see a change in her, that you just arent in the mental and emotional state to forgive her at this time. Unfortunately he is going to have to make a choice, your happiness or hers. I would hope that after speaking to him that he would become the father you have always wanted and would want to ensure your happiness for the day and decide that what you want is what will be happening.

Good luck.

BTW, I dont think this has anything to do with your mom. She doesnt want her there because this woman was mean to you, her child, not because she couldnt rise above it and deal for the day. I am a mom of two daughters myself. I hate anyone who gives them a hard time just because they are my children, and being mean to my kids just brings out the "mama bear" in me, just as it probably is doing with your mom.

Answer 6

If you truly don't want your dad's ex at your wedding, then tell him - sorry, but you have to leave her at home. That is if YOU, yourself, really don't want her there. It's your wedding, you do the inviting.

If you can take it or leave it - get out of the middle, get your mom and dad talking, and have them sort it out. Tell them whatever they come up with will be fine with you. For them to put you in the middle and have you choose sides is not fair, and you shouldn't have to do it. They can resolve their personal issues on their own without runining your special day. Good luck and congrats.

Answer 7

If you don't have any kind of relationship with her, your dad has been divorced from her for 9 years, and your mother hates her, I would say to not invite the ex. Even if things aren't amicable between your mother & your dad, your dad needs to respect the fact that it's your wedding day and you want to be with BOTH of your parents for it and you want both of them to be able to enjoy the day. Your dad won't *not* enjoy it if his ex-wife isn't there, but if it will truly bring your mother a lot of anger & it will truly make her unhappy, you should decide based on your mother's unhappiness if the ex comes, as opposed to the little bit more enjoyment that your dad might have if the ex comes.

(Unless you have a relationship with the ex and you truly want her there to celebrate your wedding... then you should invite her.)

Answer 8

divorced parents are always a hard thing to deal with in weddings....
Ask YOURSELF these things:
Do I want her there?
Will I resent her presence later?
Will she cause me embarrassment?
Do I really think my mother/father would miss my day if I do/dont invite her?
(Chances are your birth parents WILL NOT miss your big day for almost anything)

IF you should decide to invite her, there are some ways to "ease the pain" for all involved.
First, Your mother gets first row seating at the ceremony... Father and Ex-Stepmom are to be seated in the 3rd row (this isnt just my solution, this is considered to be good etiquette as well)
Second, at the reception have 3 parents tables (4 if his parents are divorced as well) One for your father and his family (new spouse or girlfriend, aunts, uncles, etc from his side?) One for your mother's family (new spouse or boyfriend, aunts, uncles, etc from her side?)
One for your fiance's parents (or one for each parent, if divorced, just arrange like stated above)

If you need further assistance, feel free to email me.

Answer 9

Both of your parents need to put aside their differences for you. I know exactly how your Mother feels as I've been there. We kept our distance from one and other during the reception and all went well. I was complimented many times over about "acting with class" It can be done and I hope your Mother holds her head high and simply enjoys her daughters day, Congratulations

Answer 10

I would stand up to your father and say that out of respect to you - you request she does not attend. Weddings are stressful enough as it is - you don't need some blast from the past. Especially from a woman who was mean to you. Your father needs to be more understanding and know that he is making the bride and the mother of the bride extremely uncomfortable.

Answer 11

Oh dear...Having to deal with this on top of everything!

Well, hun...I'd say sit down with your two parents and TELL them that you are stressed out over this issue.
Tell them it is a very special day for you and you want to share it with them both...and that you feel like the ham in the sandwich right now!

Ask them to please not make things worse for you, and try to explain to your dad that you'd rather not have his ex-wife there because she was mean to you when you were little.

Tell him you respect him and understand his point of view, but that you are asking him AS A DAUGHTER to please come without her.

If he still refuses to budge, then perhaps your mom might be able to be a Princess and accept having her there--FOR YOUR SAKE!
..................................................................
(( It's the bad thing about not paying for one's things, no? If your dad wasn't paying for anything, you could just say "NO" to him and that's it....))

To give you an idea of my wedding: My mom paid for EVERYTHING....My dad showed up without his new wife.

When they divorced, my dad's mother and his sisters were very mean and cruel to my mom...So of course I didn't want them there! I told him this when I told him of my wedding and he was so upset that he decided to get back at us by not paying for anything at all...!

BUT....It went along fine... Both my mom and my dad walked me down the aisle. (He later gave me furniture and other household items...) But he came to the wedding alone.

Good luck...And congratulations!