I was a 19 year old virgin when I started dating my fiance. In the beginning stages of our relationship we didn't discuss how many people he had slept with in the past, but I knew I wasn't his first. When I lost my virginity to him, he said that he wished I would've been his first. Despite what he says to try to make me feel at ease, nothing changes what I was raised to believe. From the time I was a child, I was told that sex is something special you should save for the one you truly love. It bothers me to know that my fiance has had casual sex with people whom he wasn't dating at the time, let alone people he was in serious, long term relationships with. I suppose I would feel better about the situation if I didn't know who he has been with but we run into his past lovers from time to time when we go out and it makes me uncomfortable. I wish we could've been each others firsts but I know that's not an option. I guess I just want to hear from others in my situation. How should I feel?
2007-04-02 11:00:16 · 28 answers · asked by Desiree 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
When the relationship was new I told him that I was a virgin and he said he wished he could've saved his virginity for me. As the relationship progressed, I heard of his past lovers from mutual friends of ours that I later confirmed with him. He never provided details of his past until I heard it from someone else, which makes me wish people would've kept quiet about things.
2007-04-02 12:43:09 · update #1
Desiree-
You have got to find a way to get over it. It is important to realize that what he did in his past happened before he met you, and he probably really does wish that you were his first.
I am remarried, and although my second wife had several partners before we got married, she feels that she would rather I had many partners that have been married to someone else for 10 years. Its all a matter of perspective.
the longer you two are together, the more it will erase the girls he knew before you- but you have to try to get over it. Jealousy will get you no where- and could actually serve to drive him away.
2007-04-02 11:09:44 · answer #1 · answered by johntindale 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know how you feel... I am going thru the same thing with my fiance. He was my third... as where I am somewhere around his fiftieth... I, like you, was raised to belive that sex should be saved for the 'one and only', but things didn't work out quite the way I had originally planned, so I always just put it out of my mind how much I wish that we could have been together since the beginning - - not just because i want to be with him and wish i hadn't wasted time on guys who didn't deserve it, but also so that I don't go crazy wondering who he is secretly comparing me to... We occasionally run into his old girlfriends/flings/whatevers... and it drives me nutz... It probably wouldn't be such a big deal, but I know how he feels about sex and women in general... I don't really know what to tell you about how how you should or shouldn't feel. I always just passed my feelings off as jealousy, but sometimes there's a little something more to it. Don't let anyone (including him) tell you that your feelings or convictions are wrong... Take EVERYTHING into consideration and truly examine the reasons for how you feel.
2007-04-02 11:21:58 · answer #2 · answered by Adeline 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You should be happy he feels the way he does instead of worrying about something that has already happened. He hasn't lied to you or cheated on you, this shouldn't be a problem.
Clearly you understand this is a "you" problem, you can do nothing but stop thinking about it. It's not like you can go out and find the man of your dream and a virgin all in one.
If you don't stop this, it can poison your relationship and that would be a shame. Especially since he has done nothing wrong, you were not there so you can't judge him.
2007-04-02 11:13:15 · answer #3 · answered by Just a friend. 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
These are different times sweetie. It doesn't make it right, but casual sex is much more common. You can't change the past, so why dwell on it? You either need to get past this or let your relationship go. You could find someone with the same values as you, but remember that YOU now have a "past" lover as well.
2007-04-02 11:06:55 · answer #4 · answered by MissG 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My own fiance has had a very large sex life before me. We also run into some of his ex lovers and it bothers me too. Sometimes when we are having sex we have to stop because I get so bothered by the fact that he was with so many other people before me. The best thing to do is to relize that you are not his first and you can not change his past. He is who he is because of his past so be thankful he had his past. Also maybe he got his wild hair out before the two of you got married and he cheated on you.
2007-04-02 11:28:43 · answer #5 · answered by Lulu 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First off does it really truely matter? Does it really effect how you feel about him? What matters now is you are going to be his last. He is marrying you, don't worry about the past only worry about the future. I don't like to think of who my fiance was with or even who I was with. The past is over you can't change it, so don't dwell. Also it isn't worth the possibal argument, because he can't change his actions. He is a man and he is human and we all make mistakes. Just focus on your big day!!
2007-04-02 11:10:24 · answer #6 · answered by reineralli77 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Jealousy will kill an otherwise wonderful relationship. You have to rise above the situation and ignore his past IF he's the one you want. You're with him, not them. So what if he's experimented at least you didn't so he can never hold that one over you and you should be very proud of it. You are the one THEY should be jealous of because they gave themselves to him without any relationship and acted cheap. You are a woman in love not the town tramp.
2007-04-02 11:07:31 · answer #7 · answered by lindalousmile 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to maybe get over this problem really quick. You are making a problem out of nothing and one that will only serve to make you feel uncomfortable. Your fiance may have had an active se x life and if you don't like this it is a problem you have not him. I strongly suggest you get over it quick before it becomes a major problem between the two of you.
2007-04-02 11:06:48 · answer #8 · answered by michael_trussell 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get over it. He had a life, don't condem him for not meeting you and not having the same parents and morals you have.
Having sex is nothing compared to true love.
If you want to find a virgin at 19, you're going to have to look for a looooong time.
Be happy you found someone.
2007-04-02 11:06:28 · answer #9 · answered by ScooterLibby 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're the one he's with now, and you're the one he's going to marry. Most people have sex before marriage. Think of it this way- he's been with other people but loves you most and wants to be with you above everyone else. It's better to be the last than the first.
2007-04-02 11:05:43 · answer #10 · answered by moonbaby 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋