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My husand and I are from a large family on both sides and my question is why do people that we are related to think we should have to view things they way they do? My relative breathes for her gandkids and that is fine.
But KNOWING full and dam* well we could not have kids she says to us you should get involved with your niece and nephews more. But just because she gets the privlidge of being a grandma does not mean my husband and I have to jump up and down and whisitsle dixie.

Why do people in families insist that you have to share in thier every joy and trumph? I am happy for my realtive I truly am and I ahve come to terms and accepted the things I cannot change.
I feel very strongly there is always a sibling or an in law that does get favored, worhsipped or esteemed more than
the other kids how as a christian whould I handle this and what can I do to be a better witness? What is a good way to handle insenstive people who truly have no clue about certaint issues?

2007-04-02 10:02:42 · 11 answers · asked by encourager4God 5 in Society & Culture Religion & Spirituality

11 answers

I feel your pain! I really, really do! :(

My husband comes from a large family of ALL WOMEN (yeah, try marrying into that!) whereas I am an only child. . . you can imagine what a transition it has been for both of us.

Adding to the already difficult situation is my mother in law, a real "individual", one might say. (I'm trying REALLY hard to be nice here!)

She made my life a living hell while we were dating, even going so far as spreading lies about me to mutual friends and threatening my mother and father. But if you ask her, she is the holiest Christian to ever walk the face of the planet. (No comment.) What really gets me is that she has not once apologized to me for how she treated me, even though the wedding was over a year ago.

Speaking of the wedding, she also, along with her daughters, organized a 5 minute tribute to my husband at the reception, cheesy country song included (which my hubby hates!). For me? Nothing. Apparently, even though I was the BRIDE I still didn't deserve anything about my life, not even a 10 second clip OR a mention in his. They didn't even ask my family if they wanted to do anything for me. Typical behavior for them: my husband is the second coming of Christ and I'm chopped liver. (Did I mention my bridal shower, organized by my oldest sister in law, was held at an IHOP??? I rest my case.)

We recently went on a fishing trip with his ENTIRE family . . . I went because he promised the fishing would be good. (He was right- I out fished him! :D) The trip would have been fine except for his mother screaming at me in front of the entire family. Unprovoked, I might add. I wanted to go home more than anything else, but felt bad ruining the trip for my hubby.

So, (sigh) I stayed, however reluctantly. Of course, his mother was all tears and repentance after the fact. My husband had a talk with her, and pointedly told her to stay out of our marriage! (It pleased me very much. :0) At least I'm not dealing with a momma's boy to boot!)

Anyhow, what I decided to do was not dwell on it at that moment, and let the family enjoy the trip without a giant pink elephant in the, er, tent :)

I'm not "over" it, by any means, but I am trying to be a Christian about it, even if his mother isn't. I have never said a bad word about her to anyone but my husband (he sympathizes completely) and my mom (witness firsthand to his mother's behavior) and myself (just can't help it!) and have always been nice to her, even when I wanted to introduce her face to my fist! (I would never do that- it just feels nice to fantasize about it every once in a while.)

But that's what being a Christian means: turning the other cheek. I try to keep in mind all the things Jesus had to endure- torture, persecution and death, even though he had committed no crime. I have committed no crime against my mother in law, save marrying her only son, (which he considers his salvation), so I am unjustly persecuted as well.

But if I were to "return evil for evil" to her, I would a) be no better than her, and b) prove her right by behaving badly. So I smile, nod and try to give them the benefit of the doubt. I also try to take a genuine interest in their lives. Apparently, when you get other people to focus on their favorite subject (themselves), they conveniently forget to put yours down. Additionally, you learn about them personally and can usually find good things that you like that can outweigh the bad.

It's hard, I readily admit that. And I have my bad days and my not as bad days. But if I were in your situation, (and I almost am, just no grandkids) I would try to stay above the petty comments and favoritism by focusing on your behavior, not theirs. It gets tiring, but by showing a spirit of love and mildness, you are setting an example that is obvious to everyone outside of the family, if not them as well.

And who knows? Maybe, by your being so nice and patient, you will be able to "win 'them' over without a word."

At the very least, you will be able to sleep at night knowing you are doing the right thing and reflecting the fruits of the spirit: love, joy, peace, LONG SUFFERING, kindness, goodness, faith, mildness, SELF CONTROL.

2007-04-02 10:37:11 · answer #1 · answered by danni_d21 4 · 0 0

I have heard many times that when you marry someone, you marry their family too. Your hubby's relatives are now yours, with all the mixed blessings that come with them. Pray for them and love them, but maybe you should take his mother aside and tell her that her son is grown up and can make his own choices, in a nice way. If she does continue to butt into how you both live your lives, and keeps being insensitive about this, then it may be time for you all to move out of the area. I have a good friend who got married a few years back, and her in-laws were breathing down her neck, telling her how to raise her children, how to keep house, etc. Finally, she and her husband decided to move ninety miles away. Far enough away that the in-laws could not interfere, but close enough that they could still visit them frequently. Sometimes a change of scenery is good so both of you can make decisions on your own. And, as always, pray for them and love them, and realize that they probably do have your best interests at heart.

2007-04-02 17:12:11 · answer #2 · answered by Licia 2 · 1 0

People are people, some are nicer than others, some are just plain rude or worse mean.

Sounds like you are dealing with an overbearing mother in law, that is as natural as anything in family dynamics. My only advise is to take your lumps up front when the relationship is rather new, that way you can establish yourselves as independent and won't feel obligated to play the game in future get togethers. If you try playing the obligitory game you will grow to resent your mother in law over time and family events will become a chore. Get your husband to back you up and show a united front, that says we are a unit and separate in our behavior, we still love you all, but will dictate our own path. You will initially be vilified for this, but in the end, if you truly love your inlaws, will be respected for it.

2007-04-02 17:10:30 · answer #3 · answered by ɹɐǝɟsuɐs Blessed Cheese Maker 7 · 2 0

Many families have family members that believe they know what is best. I think the best way to handle their 'innocent' comments and suggestions, is to either be politely straightforward or to begin to make suggestions of your own. Not necessarily mean but to the point. Tell her you spend time with your niece and nephew and that while you value her suggestion it is really unnecessary. If she is showing some sort of favortism, when she suggests you show her favorite attention, say something like 'that is a good idea, when are you spending time with (whichever child she leaves out)?'. She should get the message but if she doesn't be more straightforward. 'I appreciate your suggestion but we are happy with how we are utilizing our time and would like it if you did not continue to tell us what to do.' Sometimes this is the only choice unless you decide you can live with the behavior.

2007-04-02 17:11:11 · answer #4 · answered by future dr.t (IM) 5 · 0 0

they are your family. You are lucky to be in their life. You should do what they say when you visit them, it's commen courteousy. Likewise, when they visit you then you get to tell them what to do. What's wrong with playing with the kids?
I think you need to change your attitude and you won't see them as bothering you anymore. For example, when you say "What is a good way to handle insenstive people who truly have no clue about certaint issues?" then you pretty much tell everyone how judgemental you are and that indicates that the problem is your reaction to the situation not the other's person intentions:)

2007-04-02 17:13:30 · answer #5 · answered by lisa 1 · 0 1

The best thing to do for your health is to let go of all of that. Honestly, I'm not trying to be mean at all in saying this, but if you cannot let go of the feelings you're holding inside of you, you should seek help and talk it out with a professional. You'll feel so much better.

Having come from a background of a large family who constantly got in my business, I know how it feels. It's not easy and talking it out helps. Good luck.

2007-04-02 17:08:47 · answer #6 · answered by glitterkittyy 7 · 0 0

I'm sorry that your family is insensitive. You say she knows you can't have kids. Are you sure she knows how hurtful this is to you? Have you ever said, "I appreciate that you want to give us suggestions you feel would be helpful to us, but the way you go about it is painful to me. Our nieces and nephews cannot replace the children we wanted, even though we love them very much."?

Really, unless your family member is gloating and boasting, you should be happy for her. (Romans 12:15) And they should be willing to weep with you when you weep.

If you can't be happy for her, are you sure you _really_ have grieved your losses or your infertility? We went to a support group for perinatal loss for about two years and it was a life-changing experience. I know there are groups for infertility as well. You may need to surround yourself with people who really understand what you feel and who have found proactive ways to deal with family members who just don't get it.

I try to remind myself when people say something insensitive that they are clueless because they haven't experienced the same loss. And thank God they haven't. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

I get this feeling from your questions that jealousy is eating you alive. Honey, don't let that happen. Some people would challenge you to keep better control of your feelings, but I think it's a good indicator that you have some healing to do. You are not really at peace with what you have lost.

It may be scary to think about, but are you sure that you aren't maybe a little mad at God for not giving you the desires of your heart and are focusing your anger at your relative who has what you want?

God is strong enough for you to be mad at Him. If you consider the difference between Moses and the children of Israel, Israel complained and murmured against God. Moses took His complaints TO God. Job questioned God. Jacob _wrestled_ with God.

Pour your heart out to Him. Find a good support group to help you work through your grief and get some good strategies for dealing with insensitive friends and family members.

2007-04-02 17:46:14 · answer #7 · answered by Contemplative Chanteuse IDK TIRH 7 · 0 0

Misery loves company. What I mean about that is that if a person is truly content with their life then he or she wouldn't feel the need to impose their beliefs, thoughts, culture, religion or anything else on others. Its a feeling of dispair that leads a person to behave like that. The most important thing is if you are happy with your life then who cares what others think or say.

2007-04-02 17:17:09 · answer #8 · answered by j_alh 1 · 0 1

She probably thinks she is doing something good in trying to involve you in the rest of the family and does not realize that her good intentions are causing you pain. Sit down and talk to her about it and you may be able to help her realize this.

2007-04-02 17:13:31 · answer #9 · answered by Mr. E 7 · 1 0

Love them. Pray for those who spitefully use you. Don't be bitter about not being able to have children because it will cause you to be sick. She said what she said knowing that you are bitter and that it would help you. She is not insensitive. She is wanting you to be happy and she doesn't know how to help you. The lady loves you and she is worried about you. Even I, a complete stranger, see the bitterness. Ask God to help you overcome being bitter about not having children. Ask God to help you understand, because you don't understand. When we don't share in the joy and triumphs of others, we normally envy or we are jealous or we are just an angry person. God can help. Take it to Him in prayer.

2007-04-02 17:26:24 · answer #10 · answered by Jeancommunicates 7 · 0 1

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