Is it appropriate to give money in a condolence card?

Question

My 12 year old son's best friend's mom died last week. I wanted to know if it's okay to give money with a nice card to
my son's best friend and his siblings?

Answer 1

There are 2 definite schools of thought. Among middle and upper class white people in the Northern half of the USA it's considered tacky. Apparently it's the custom among people in the south and some African-American groups. I've been on the giving and receiving ends of both schools of thought, as I live and work among both groups. My co-workers took up a collection when my mother died, but they all happened to grow up in the south and said that it's customary. My In-laws were aghast at this, and said that was tacky and money should only be given as a memorial to a charity. They would be classified as the first group mentioned. So I guess it depends on the local customs for wherever you live. In your case, I would try and think of something nice to do to help out in the loss of their mother, like cook a couple of meals and take them over to them after things have quieted down.

Answer 2

If you mean give the son money to spend on himself, I don't think that is wrong. But it might be more meaningful if you and your son took him out for dinner or ice cream or something to help him get away for a little while. Most people feel isolated after a close family member's death and really appreciate when people make an effort to be around them.

If you mean money to go toward a memorial for the mother, that is absolutely appropriate. In fact, most families prefer that instead of flowers b/c it can be given to the deceased's favorite charity or used for a scholarship, something that does more good than flowers.

Answer 3

I'm with the people who feel that it's a bit tacky.

If you know that the family will suddenly have to find money that they don't have for unexpected expenses, then it's a very kind thought, but it might be easier to wrap it up in a gift token, or even to make a few enquiries and then (for instance) pay for a house-cleaning person to come in, or make arrangements to fill the freezer with food - something practical and not as stark as money.

(Or if it *has* to be money, make it a collection from a group of many friends who simply sign a card to go with, and don't give any indication of how much each friend contributed).

Answer 4

Anyone who has been unfortunate enough to have to prepare & pay for a funeral knows how incredibly expensive it can be. There is absolutely nothing wrong with enclosing money in the sympathy card. Besides, often, in lieu of flowers, it is asked that donations be sent to a charity, organization, or special fund. I think that it's wonderful that you want to help out the children who, above all else, have just lost their mother. Follow your heart & you will never be wrong.

Answer 5

I would give the money separately from the condolence card. It is perfectly acceptable to give them money, but the condolence should come more in the form of flowers.

Answer 6

It seems kind of tacky to me. Wait a while and then offer to take them out to eat or offer to your sons friends father to help out with grocery shopping, picking the kids up from school, housework- whatever he and the kids need. but I think givine money to the kids at this point is inappropriate.

Answer 7

Aly is right again. Better to ask them what help they need. It's likely to be something other than money.

Answer 8

Yes. You can do this. When my mother passed we received many beautiful cards that contained cash.

Answer 9

It's the perfect time! It helps with the unexpected expenses.

Answer 10

No, send flowers instead. I don't think money is appropriate.