should i make myself less available?

Question

i have been dating a married man for the past 6 months, please i know the morrals of it all, but that is not my question. quick 411, i'm 24 he's 40. this doesn't bother me in anyway, and obviously doesn't bother him. we work together and were friends before it all started. but we have come to apoint where it has become serious for us both. he didn't before, and does not now, want to stay with his wife, but this is a complicated issue as you could understand. my question is, if i want to say "speed" up his decision making, should i stop being so available to him. i'm there when he has time, i squeeze myself in when its convienent for him, etc. i know now when he doesn't get to see me, he calls constantly, when he doesn't have time, he makes it... somehow i'm thinking if i say i can't spend time with him after work, this will start to erk him and push him to, for lack of better words, do what he has to do. or is this just retarded thinking?

Answer 1

If you love him, maybe you shouldn't be wanting to speed up his decision making.

If you have some reason why you need him to commit, perhaps you should discuss it with him.

What would happen to a relationship if you started to manipulate things and play games?

TALK with him.

Reason with him.

If you need him to speed up his decision making, tell him why. He should understand (and if he doesn't are you sure this is what you want?).

If you want to start playing with stuff like being less available and seeing if he chases you or telling him that you're pregnant or whatever - it'll blow up in your face and you won't like it.

He's a guy. Be direct. State needs/wants/desires. This indirect stuff drives guys NUTS.

Drive him nuts enough, and he might not like you so much.

For instance (and this is only a for instance) how would you feel if you were to find on yahoo answers that he has asked some weeks (or months) back - he's seeing this girl yada yada and should he go ahead and leave his wife or should he slow things down and see what this girl is on about ... ? How would you feel if you found he was manipulating the situation like that rather than communicating openly and honestly with you? (I'm sure he isn't - I just made that up myself just then).

Answer 2

It is as you put it "retarded thinking."

If you know the "morals" of it, then why do you continue in this relationship?

Ok, so you don't want to think of the "morals"...well why not think of what the long term "complications" will take place when you go with a man who has no problems walking away from an established relationship...someone who is not only old enough to be your FATHER but also old enough to know better and who is more than likely USING you to regain his "lost youth" in his real or imagined mid-life crisis... someone who is going to wind up having HALF HIS PAYCHECK go for child support, and quite possibly alimony!

Think of the social implications: and yes, this does happen even in 2007! If you hover over this marriage like some vulture waiting for it to die, don't be surprised if you become public enemy #1 in your respective families and amongst your friends and communities...and the smaller the community the harsher the judgment will be!

In nature, Vultures are considered ugly birds...and what you are contemplating, my little chickadee, is EXTREMELY ugly. Sure, he's doing wrong, too...but women are almost always judged far more harshly for it than a man is...and the price they pay is much higher!

If you do manage to "snag" him and become the next "Mrs."....Don't be shocked if your future MIL wants nothing to do with you, if his children hate you and try to make your life a living hell, if you lose friends left and right or suddenly invitations drop off, and if people on your job start questioning your credibility and ability to do your job because you have no problem being a "homewrecker" at worst and a "pushover" at the very least...and fished off the company pier to boot. You may have kissed your promotability good-bye with this "dangerous" liaison...

Besides, even if you do "win" and get this man, what makes you so sure he won't turn around and find someone else and cheat on YOU? This happens more often than people think...a perfect example of this? this recent NASA kerfauffle when the astronaut left her husband, only to discover the other astronaut was dating someone else!

There's an old saying: A man who marries his mistress is advertising a job vacancy.

As for this business about "speeding up his decision"... I sincerely hope you don't mean "trapping him with a child"...it's the oldest unworkable trick in the book...and extremely unfair to the child! fuhgeddaboutit!

Complications? Oh, there are plenty of them...and lots of reprecussions if you keep on the destructive path you are currently on... You're only 24 years old. You have your whole life ahead of you. Why waste it on a selfish man who has such a cavalier attitude toward his family and responsibilities?

Sweetheart, you shouldn't just make yourself "less available"...you should break it off completely and then find someone who is actually AVAILABLE and ATTAINABLE, close to your own age and most importantly NOT MARRIED TO or otherwise involved with SOMEONE ELSE!!!!

Answer 3

To answer your question, you can speed him along a little by becoming somewhat less available. Don't cut the contact off completely or you will not get the result you want.

I know that most of these situations are complex. I personally think that you should prepare yourself for disappointment because I think he will pick the wife instead of you.