Should I move out if I'm dealing with a controlling father?

Question

I'm about to be 20 years old and live with my parents. My father is EXTREMELY old-fashioned and very controlling. I can not go out at my own will without him knowing where I'm going, who I'm going with, and wihtout him giving me an EARLY curfew. I'm in a serious relationship withe a man who I am deeply in love with. Thing is, my dad heard rumors and does not like him at all. We have fought non-stop over this for the past 3 months even though I've been with my boyfriend for the past year. Its to the point where he told me to pick my boyfriend or my car. I gave him my car key to show that I am defending my love. I've tried talking to him but he won't listen, it's like he tells me, he only sees "black & white, there are no in-betweens". I don't know what to do anymore, I used to love spending time at home as well as out with my friends, I was always happy. Now its taking its toll on me and I cannot deal with things. I'm no longer a happy person.

The only time I seem to be happy is when I am with my boyfriend and away from home. I love him more than anything. What do I do?

I do go to college full-time, however I also have a job. So I am financially stable. I would be able to handle moving out on my own, but am afraid that my dad would 'disown' me for doing so even though I hate living under his roof. Considering if I move out, I would have kind of a hard time buying furniture.
What should I do?
Stay home and deal with my controlling father jeapordizing my relationship?
Or risk loosing my dad and move out and be HAPPY and in control of my own decisions?????
HELP...

Answer 1

Sounds like an open and shut case to me.

Move out.

Your dad will come around + you are way to old to be told when to come home at night.

Start off with lawn furniture, you wouldn't be the first to have to go through that. Your in love and in college surly you can find a room mate. (Boy Friend)

My dad was a royal pain too. I was in college for 3 years. Once I graduated I got a full time job. He wanted me out so bad he just kept making all sorts of unreasonable demands. He wanted me to put coal on the fire every 6hrs. 1st I would have to set an alarm and interrupt my sleep every night. 2nd have to com home from work on my lunch break. 3rd get up again at the crack of dawn. 4th around dinner time. F that, he took it like such a slap in the face that I just wouldn't do it. My freakin mom backed him. I left and never looked back. Once I was gone and never called or visited much now they call me and act like were best friends.

Definitely move out.

Answer 2

Well youre 20 so if you move out that would really be fine.

I would never suggest that you move out so you could keep a boy friend. You probably wont keep him but the thing is, you might want to move out so you can keep the relationship with your father.

As far as the boyfriend goes, there might be very real reasons why your dad doesnt like him for his daughter. Sometimes people dont see themselves as they really are and they go out with people that are not their equal. Did you know that when we marry, we are supposed to marry "up"? Your dad might be able to see something about this guy that youre not able to see or dont want to see. Do calm down and give what your dad says some serious thought. Cant hurt. Relationships are serious. And they can really hurt a person.

I think your dads been very lucky to have you stay home so long. And youve been lucky to have a father that is fine with you staying home. I dont know who pays for college. Im assuming dad?

Have a heart to heart with your dad and explain what he already knows. Youve grown up. You love him but there are two adults in the house trying to decide what you should do with your life and at this point in the game there really should only be one. You. He should be there to advise you should you go to him for help, but not tell you anything else. some people will say, oh she is living under his roof. He owns the air she breathes. And I guess that is right.

Just dont leave mad. Do it because its time and youre mature enough now to live on your own. Your father did a good job raising you. Thats the whole point. To raise our kids so they will be able to make it in the world. Sounds like youre ready. Your father probably doesnt know it but he is probably ready as well.

Take care. Bottom line?? Your dad loves you and wants only the best for you. Not bad I'd say.

Answer 3

I feel that your father loves you and he wants whats best for you. You say he heard some rumors about your boyfriend, but you didn't say what they were. The truth of the matter is, it's his house and he can run it anyway he wants. You also said that YOU are deeply in love with this guy, Do you know if he feels the same way about you? Don't make any moves without thinking the whole thing through. You need to be sure that the rumors your father heard are not true and/or will not bring harm to you. Don't base your moving out just on your need to be with this guy. You said you used to love being at home. You also said that you've been with your boyfriend for the past year, but you just starting fighting with your father 3 months ago. Were his demands for you to choose between the two of them based on that rumor? The last thing a father wants to do is watch his daughter get used or hurt. It is against his nature to just sit back and say nothing while it happens.
Moving is your decision. If you break up with your boyfriend will you want to go running back home to daddy? Make sure that you are moving for YOURSELF and no one else. Estimate ALL your monthly expenses. Make sure that you will be able to pay all your bills on time.The last thing you want to do is ruin your credit. Will you be able to pay all your bills on your own with one paycheck ? Now that you don't have a car add transit fare into that equation.The last thing you want to do is move out and then have to come home for food or to do laundry. You say you are in school. Is your reason for school so that you can find a better job? If so, and you still want to move, consider finding a roomate ( i don't mean your boyfriend). You are approaching twenty one, it can be your emancipation of sorts. GOOD LUCK !

Answer 4

When a parent tries to protect a child (no matter what age) the parent is seen as controlling. I completely understand where you're coming from but try to see this situation through your dad's eyes for a minute. If he didn't love you he wouldn't worry about you. Your dad is afraid of losing you. He's trying all the old tricks. Insisting you choose between your boyfriend or your car. I'm guessing dad's paying for your car? Setting an early curfew. Unfortunately, there are too many stories in the news these days about girls your age disappearing or being raped or killed. Your dad is just plain scared that something might happen to you so he sets rigid rules. What he's not seeing is that he did a good job of raising you and that he has to let go sometime. How well does he know your boyfriend? Does he have any specific objections or is it just generalizations? Has your boyfriend ever done anything to warrant being distrusted by your dad or is he just going on the rumors? Is your dad willing to get to know your boyfriend better?

You are 20 years old and you are old enough to live your own life. When I was 25 I insisted that I was mature enough to get married to a man who my mother objected to. I insisted that all she wanted to do was control me. Looking back, 27 years later, I see what a disaster that marriage would have been and that she only loved me and was doing what she felt was best. Too often parents get a bum rap for being overly controlling. The reality is they've been there before and they see the pitfalls more clearly because they are more removed from the situation. On the other hand, everyone has to make their own mistakes and learn from them.

You said you've tried to talk to your dad about this situation. Did you try to talk to him in the midst of a disagreement or when things were calm? Did you approach him from the standpoint of a daughter being controlled? Maybe try again, this time acknowledging that you understand his fears and his love for you. Help him express what he's feeling and try to express your needs. Let him know that you appreciate all he's done for you. If he has specific objections to your boyfriend, consider that there might be some validity to his concerns. Try to be objective about your relationship with your boyfriend. In the end you have to do what you feel is best for you. Just be sure whatever you decide is coming from inside your heart and not from someone else's influence. I wish you all the best with whatever you decide to do.

Answer 5

Move out. You are 20 years old and at some point you'll have to leave the nest. You say your dad will disown you, and yes, he might be upset at first, but he's still your dad and a father that truly loves his child would never disown them for any reason. As far as getting furniture, you could get used furniture or buy with credit. If the furniture is the only reason you don't move out, then you probably don't really want to.
Go, start your life and be happy.

Answer 6

You want to be independant?Your going to have to cut ties with daddy.He will either get over it or he wont.You however MUST realize that he loves you and wnats you to be finished with school and be able to have a good job that will support you before you get too involved with your b/f.Where theres smoke theres fire, the rumors may be true about your b/f or they may partially true.Get the facts and base your decisions on fact not emotions and fantasy.For instance, just suppose you 2 are fooling around and you got pregnant and he dumped you, (of course all single mothers never beleieved that could happen to them before it did)what would that do to your life right now?Thats what your dad is looking at.Your dad doesnt owe you a car or anything now that your an adult.You can respect him by honoring his wishes as you continue to live in his home until you graduate and move out on your own, or you can move out buy an air mattress and tough it out for a while until you graduate.

Answer 7

You are old enough to make your own decisions and your father should respect that. If he does not like your boyfriend... fine but he can no longer stop you from seeing him. If the car is in your name then he cannot take that from you either. However if it is in his name, even if you paid for it, there is not much you can do about that. If you cannot live by your father's rules anymore and can afford to move out and live on your own then do it. It sounds like it is time. There has to be a time your Dad lets go and lets you be an adult. He raised you now he should trust that he raised you right. Good luck!

Answer 8

You should do what you think is best...and it seems to me that even though you're worried about the consequences you still think that moving out would be best. Hey, you're 20...that's plenty old enough. By now he should be encouraging you to move out and be independent...he can't just expect you to live with him forever and it sounds like you've got everything under control. I'm 17 and I live on my own and sometimes bills are tight but things always work out in the end. If I did it I think you could to. I'm not trying to go through college right now so I can't advise you in that aspect but I'll be doing that soon enough so I definitely feel for you and realize that it will be hard. You've gotta do what's best for you...and if you love this guy then chances are you'll be with him for a very long time. You can't just be fighting with your dad for forever. You've gotta stand your ground and prove to him that it's not just a passing fling...maybe it's just that your dad loves you and he sees that this guy is different and it concerns him because he's not ready to loose you yet. That scenario certainly isn't unheard of. Either way he's obviously pushing you away and he needs to learn that that's unacceptable. Ultimately it's your decesion but my advice is move out now.

Answer 9

If you want to move out, then move out. Make sure you are stable financially. You say you would have trouble buying furniture, then how do you consider yourself financially stable. I will have to admit, that when I moved out, I couldn't afford furniture either. Do you have friends who live on their own? You could maybe room with them and split rent. They probably already have furniture so you wouldn't have to worry about that!

Then if that happens, save up some money for some nice things. Some furniture places have programs like 6 months same as cash. So you wouldn't have to have all the money up front!

Just think about it, concentrate, and pray about it. If God believes it should happen, then he will put in a chain of events that will make it happen.

Talk to your friends, let them know whats going on, especially if they live alone. I bet you a lot of them will allow you to stay with them until you can get your own place.

If you want some more advice, email me! I don't want to write it all down here and you could give me more specifics!

Answer 10

Move out, and start living on your own. In time your father may come around. As to the boyfriend, once you are out of the house, you can evaluate him, and see if you were only rebelling against your father, or if there is a real relationship.