Just sold my daughter's car...?

Question

Well, we sold my daughter's mustang, because she split to be with a boy whom smokes pot, and has gotten kicked from school for doing so (I've written about it in previous questions...) No calls from her as of yet, and she let me know that she didn't want me calling her, so I've given her her wish. I know it's too late now, but was I right to sell the car? And her 18th birthday is the 19th. Should I call her for her birthday even if she, in the not so distant past will not answer her phone for me? Also, it's going to break my heart if I call her, and she doesn't answer her phone. Well, break whats left of my heart anyway. Also, was I right to stick to my guns about this boy? I just feel that my daughter was so much better than to get involved with someone like this kid. She's smart, and beautiful, and when he's in her life she seems to have a dark cloud over her, and defies her dad, and myself ever chance she gets. Am I right? I'd like any advice you all have.

This boy has gotten in trouble for smoking pot with the authorities. I think it's a real problem. He's been disrespectful to my husband, and myself on several occasions. My daughter has confided in the past to other people that she needed to get away from him. When she's associated with him her grades drop, she's emotional, and she's skips school.

Answer 1

Mojo: In my opinion, certainly within your right to do so. Having a car is a perk for kids, not an automatic right. She obviously didn't appreciate it, so kudos for taking away her perk.

My youngest daughter tried the emotional blackmail and difiance, it didn't fly. She had marched off to live with her stepdad. Ok, no prob. Her birthday rolled around and I did not call nor send her a card. She was home within a month.

Now for your broken heart dear lady. Come on now, we women are tough. After all we spent hours in horrid pain birthing these little snots, we can certainly tough it out with the emotional b s. I know it is not easy. I have had a few heart wrenching moments myself. However, these kids get an idea into their heads and parents become the dumbest, meanest things on the planet. If they can't manipulate us, they defy us. It hurts like hell. But do you want it to control you?

She knows she has you in the "hurt locker". She is depending on her actions to cause you enough grief for you to capitulate. If she can't out-talk you, out smart you, she is going to hurt you. Do you like knowing this is what she is doing? Do you like being hurt? Only you can stop it. Take back your power dear. Call her bluff. Call her up and leave a message that the rest of her clothes are packed if she would like to pick them up.

Mojo: I had girls like this in counseling. They would come in thinking they could act like jerks in my office and treat me the same way they did their parents. Big surprise. My stock line to them..."you are here because THE JUDGE said so...MY office MY rules, so sit down and shut up". Once in a while a kid would push the issue...I would have to get even tougher so I would tell them..."hey you don't want to participate...no prob here, I can call the cops and have them pick you up.....you go to jail, directly to jail and no blow dryer or make-up and I won't hestitate becaue I am not your mommy and you can't blackmail me". I actually did have one kid hauled out by the cops, it was the last one...the rest squared away REAL quick. It was a matter of keeping MY power and not letting them manipulate me.

It's a lot harder for parents because they have the emotionally bind whereas a counselor can remain detached from that bind. Parents can however stop the abuse. You don't feed it. Allowing her to hook you is feeding her abusive behavior. It is tough to kick old habits. It's also tough to be stern with a kid after being lenient. If you don't do it NOW, it will only get worse.

You and your husband need to talk through this and decide on a FIRM plan of action....and both of you HAVE to support each other...stand firm together. Let your daughter know you love her by FACT, but not by act. She needs to know the foundation of love is there, but that love is not up for compromise nor condoning bad behavior.

If she chooses to hang out with a kid engaged in criminal activity, then she also will face the consequences along side of him if caught. We as parents cannot play rescuer when kids only want us in time of trouble, but dump on us the rest of the time. It's a bitter lesson for the kid and a heart wrench for the parents.

Mojo: quit calling her. The ball is in her court. Let HER make the next call. You've done your part....now quit bleeding. I lay money on it...she will call when it gets real close to her birthday.

As for the b/f...oh hell no that is not acceptable. His actions are illegal, he was kicked out of school for it, so obviously it's not a simple recreational issue. Were it my daughter, I would be pitching a fit too. Not responsible, law abiding behavior. YOU don't condone this simply because the daughter THINKS she is in love. She is playing on the dangerous side. Many girls do so because it holds a certain kind of romantic charm to be with a "bad boy". They feel honored to be with a "toughie".

The more parents protest, the more the kid wants to "show them". I've told many a parent, stick to YOUR rules, assure your child you DO love them, but you will not accept the abuse. When the kid decides to behave, then you can talk.

Mojo: Get yourself involved in some activity that will keep you from obsessing. Show your daughter that you and her dad are carrying on just fine. If you can find a parents group, try going to a few meetings. Sometimes sharing your pain with others going through it can be cathartic. And you will darn sure find out you aren't alone.

I will say extra specials for you Mojo. If you ever want to talk, give me a shout out via email. In the meantime...take care of YOU.....:)

Answer 2

It is so hard being a parent. You sold her car (I do understand) but you wanna call her for her birthday and everything will be o.k. when that subject comes up? While I definetly think you should stick to your guns about the boy and the car, I think you need to lay off the phone call. Not to be mean but to let her know that you mean what you say AND not to give her any opportunity to get back at you. Although she told you not to call, she wants you to. Don't!!! Even though she will technically be an adult, you're still mom and she needs to know that. Don't give her the control OVER you. You have set the standard and it doesn't change becase she's angry. I would get her a gift and keep it at the house. It may be a while before she gets it but I think you and she needs the opportunity to experience some of the joy of her 18th birthday. Again, it may be a while before she gets the gift, but it will do something once she knows that you thought about her and had it waiting. Also, if she gets the gift it will be because she's come home, even if for a visit and that may help lessen some tension. If she contacts you by phone, be nice but firm. Don't wear her out about this boy so she can run to him even more. Some of it is just being a rebel. My prayer is for strenght for you and your husband.

Answer 3

is the boyfriend stoned all day long, or does he smoke pot socially? just a question, because many people are social smokers... either way, it's a concern for you and i know you're simply looking out for your daughter's best interests.

You can call her for her birthday, if that is what you like. At this point, i'd simply send a card letting her know you still love her, think of her and hope that one day she will start communicating with you again.

Perhaps you can try calling her a week or so after her birthday, to ask how she is and if she had a nice birthday.

I hope your daughter comes back around someday soon... i'm sure she loves you.... situations like this happen, just do your best to cope, hon.

If your daughter stays with the guy, you're going to have to accept it if you want to have a relationship with your daughter.

I hope things work out.

Answer 4

As parents we sometimes have to make and stick to some very difficult decisions where our children are concerned. We can only let them know our feelings on certain matters, and our position on what we will and will not accept from them. If you let her know the consequences of her actions and she knew what was coming then by all means stick to your decision. Definitely call her on her birthday. She not only needs to know the rules but she needs to know your love for her is unconditional. Good luck to you! I wish you the best.

Answer 5

Just because a boy smokes pot, doesn't mean he isn't a great individual and cares for your daughter very much. A lot of people look at smoking marijuana as a bad thing, yet many smart and great individuals do smoke pot. He was definetly stupid to have smoked pot while at school that's for sure. Selling her car seems to have definetly been a HUGE punishment just for dating someone...did you even give the boy a chance? Did you get to know him before you judged him and sold her car? I understand you care for your daughter and want the best for her, but don't you trust her judgement?

Answer 6

Your job is to be the parent, not her friend. Get some help (counseling, etc.) for your family. You do not have to fight this battle alone. She is being brainwashed by this boy. She doesn't realize that she is just entertainment for him.

Answer 7

i think you did the right thing. you had no choice but to sell the car. she's the one who left. as a parent, you had to make a stand when it came to the guy. she's to young to trust her own judgement,she just doesn't know it yet. i know you don't want anymore of your heart broken but, call her on her birthday. you have to give it a try.she needs to know you still love her cause if she keeps going the way she is, she'll need to know you're still there. hopefully, she'll soon come to her senses but she has to do it herself. i know i did. best of luck to you and your family. if you want to talk, e-mail me. god bless

Answer 8

Ha! My sister's birthday is the 19th.
Ok...
You're daughter wants to feel free to make her own decisions.
Yes, dating a druggie is wrong. I will agree with that. But perhaps she got him to stop and was pissed because you sold her car.
Which you seriously had no right to do, by the way. Believe me, if you sold my mustang, I'd be pissed to. She just needs some time to cool off.
Call your daughter. Just try to fix the relationship.