my daughter?

Question

My daughter Emily is very out of control. She is always getting in trouble at school and home. I just dont know what to do to get her under control. She is grounded right now but she dosnt seem to care about that. i have threatend to spank her she dosnt care about that either. I told her i would swicth her schools, she told me she would skip school then or just go back to her old one. Shes always talking back to me and my boyfriend. My boyfriend has told me that is she continues on with her behavior that he might leave me. I dont want that to happen what can i do to get her to behave and listen to me. Her brothers dont act nearly as bad at school or home as she does so i just am stuck as of what to do with her.
She just turned 14 a couple weeks ago.

I do not want to send her to her father's house only because he gives into her every time. Last weekend was her fathers weekend and she was supposed to be grounded well he gave into her and let her do whatever she wanted. So she would be even worse if i sent her to her father's house.

I do have to admit that i do sometimes give into her too, because i am tired of her screaming and stuff when shes bored. So i am trying to fix that and trying not to give in anymore.

Answer 1

As Emily's parents both her father and you must try to parent in a similar manner and not allow one parent to be played against the other..Children need to have expectations, consistancy and accountability to grow into responsible adults. It is never too late to provide the structure your daughter needs. Emily needs to know she is loved and sometimes a parent shows their love by saying no when the situation warrants it.If you expect nothing from your daughter that is what you will get in return.You are the adult and even at 14, Emily is still a child.Emily needs her parents to act like parents not pals.If you or your ex give a consequence stick with it,don't give in.Let Emily know that you love her and will always be there for her but she cannot dictate who you can see.Your boyfriend should not issue ultimatums either because it only increases the stress between you and your daughter.Sounds like you all need to sit down and have a family meeting.Talk to each other and more importantly listen to each other.Maybe Emily is afraid she is being pushed aside.Hang in there, the teen years are tough.on the parent and the child. Take care.

Answer 2

She is your daughter and you love her, right? If your boyfriend leaves, it is not the end of the world. You will get over him. You may lose your daughter and I don't think you could deal with that having raised her from birth. I had to give my daughter up for adoption because I was with a jerk that basiccially made me. It didn't last with him and I want her back. But it was when she was born and that was 7 years ago. BLOOD IS THICKER THAN SPERM. As for her behavoir, that I think is fairly normal for a girl her age.Be careful with how you handle her, and even if he leaves, than so be it. If he is not man enough to help you and your family through this then screw him, you're too good a mom for him. Maybe he is the true reason she acts out. She wants her mom all to herself. Think about it. The boys have a father figure and she is left behind , sharing her mommy.
A rebelious teen is a natural thing. remember that and if it has been mostly during the time that you and your boyfriend have been together then he's her problem.
If any adult other than a parent tries to discipline a teen that is acting out then it makes that punishment or conversation a million times worse in a teens eyes. Ask him to be a bit gentler in punishing and to keep conversations low key and productive to her advantage, as much as he may hate it, it needs to be done for her sake. Good luck, I was a rebel teen, and my parents stayed out of my way for the most part and I turned out fine.

Answer 3

Too bad if your boyfriend might leave you- FAMILY FIRST! Actually above all: CHILDREN FIRST!
She's probably pissed and distraught about her single mother having a boyfriend, where's the dad? When kids don't care that they're grounded it's because you've punished them so much that at this point there's nothing to lose. You take everything away and they don't care anymore becuase everyhthing is gone. She's out of control and now is the time to reflect on YOURSELF to see what you are doing to make her feel like she can act this way. Don't threaten, think rationally and follow through with what you say. Otherwise you just look like a push over. Talk to her like a person not a child. All too many times parent get caught up in thier "idea of what parenting is" instead of educating and guiding the child. It's always "Becuase I said so" or "do it, I don't have to tell you why". You do have to tell her why and you have to tell her why she is wrong for what she's doing and the consequences in life, not only in her home and then teach her what is right and why it's right.

Answer 4

Obviously she's had her way for a while now. Did she have a rough time with your previous marriage? Or maybe school isn't going very well. Or even something even deeper. Talk to her. This might be her way of letting out her anger. At first she might not say anything, but if you keep trying (don't nag), letting her know you'll listen, she'll eventually talk to you. Try offering her a 'treat' or prize of some sort for being well behaved. Let her know that you love her. Do not resort to spanking that will cause her to rebel more. Maybe she feels you give her brothers more time than she. Have a girl's night out or just have some alone time with her. I can imagine being the only girl. She also probably thinks your boyfriend is 'stealing' you from her. Again, let her know you will always be there for her. Do not beg her to do stuff. Be firm, but gentle, do not yell at her. In a firm voice tell her what you want her to do. If she refuses, punish her. No tv for a week, or no dessert. Be PERSISTENT (that's key)!
As for that boyfriend of yours, you can't let him say that about your child! If he leaves, he leaves! No man is worth that. If he's going to be a jerk, let him go. He doesn't deserve you.

Good Luck!

Answer 5

Is your daughter Emawee?? Look her up.

If she is Em, or even if she just sounds freakishly like her, let me just tell you what she is frequently told: with the exception of a few girls (including a girl named Lori), almost everyone tells her what a brat she is. She just responds with how much she doesn't care. But, she does sometimes email me and though I've never responded, I always read. She always ends up in ISS, and she recently asked a question about wether or not she should try to turn her life around.You wouldn't believe the amount of encouragement she got. I haven't checked the answer that she picked, but I'll give you a typical sample of Em's best answer: the one answer that agrees with her, be it completely self-destructive.

Here's what I think should be done. Em (which is what she knows only I call her) needs good influences in her life. For example, just knowing her, I know that if we were in the same school and same grade and everything, she would tease me mercilessly because I'm just a good girl. I'm not like her, but yet she seems to like confiding in me. My suggestion is to find those girls and guys: the ones who she likes because they have something in common.

Also, you need to not cave in. She always makes it seem like YOU cave in. Just don't. If you set a boundary, set it--no exceptions!! But don't hammer discipline into her head; just do it.

A final word: I don't think Em likes your guy that much. I don't really know the circumstance, but at first she acted out because she was upset with his discipline. She just got into it, I guess. She probably subconciously feels that she takes a backseat to him in your life, and you need to make it clear that she doesn't. Do some mother-daughter stuff, and she'll get over it.

Good luck!! I'm Victoria and I believe I've been helping your daughter for a long time. If I have, I hope I've helped you, too.

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Answer 6

Instead of disciplining her all the time, why don't you really find out what's going on with her. She's just trying to get your attention, whether it's good or bad. She'll take anything at this point, and the only attention you're giving her is negative attention, so she keeps acting up. Sounds like from your situation that things are a little rough for her and being 14 and not having a stable home life helps misbehavior.
You should really ask her what's going on in her own life. Maybe something is going on at school or she's running from something. Give her positive attention and really be interested in her. It just sounds like that you're really busy and she just needs someone to love her and give her a little extra positive attention.

Answer 7

It sounds like you need to get her into counseling. Something may have happened that you don't know about and now she is acting out. As for your boyfriend, if he leaves because of your daughter, then I say Good Riddance. No man comes before your child, and if all he's going to do is add to the problem, than you don't need him right now. If your daughter sees you sticking by her regardless of what that jerk says or does, that will go a long way toward making an impression on her that you care about her, no matter what she does.
Good Luck

Answer 8

sounds like a typical 14 year old. You may want to take her to a psychiatrist if you think it's worse than it should be. She may be acting out to you having a boyfriend or maybe something else in the family. You might just try sitting down and talking to her. Making time for her could be the best thing to do.

Answer 9

Well, I have gotten to know her and she is fundamentally good. She is a little spoiled, but so am I, so I understand her. Here is what you need to do:

1) When she tells you she is depressed, get her help, do not ignore her.
2) Stop drinking with your boyfriend so much. She is more important than him. Raise the standards for whom you date and let's keep the trash on daytime TV where it belongs.
3) Encourage her to succeed in school. I am spoiled too, but I am a "A/B+" student. She seems very clever and should apply it so she can go to college and get a good job one day.

Answer 10

If you are 'Emawee's' mother (which is sounds like you are) then I've got a few suggestions.

Emily and I have never got along. I've recieved some very vicious emails from her and I strongly dislike her.

Never the less I still have some advice for you.

My mother and her boyfriend were together about 5 or 6 years (I'm 17 btw). I hated him. He was an alcoholic, abusive and I didn't like him. I made it very clear this from the start. But still it took my mum half a decade to get rid of him. And the reason why he isn't in the picture now is because of money. Mine and my brother's safety and wants and needs were put far far down the line. I still hate my mum for this.

If your in a similar situation this is my suggestion. You may love your boyfriend. But you chose him, he could be in your life for 2more weeks or he could be in your life for 10years. But your daughter will be in your life for the rest of your life. Your family will stick by you. In all honesty, if you boyfriend is threatening to leave now, he isn't not going to stick by you when your in need.

Emily and her siblings take priority. You brought them into this world (i'm sure you don't need reminding of this) and it is your responsibility to make them happy and safe.


I believe what she is lacking is a good group of friends at school. Friends that are positive and will help her to make the right descions. Maybe give her a choice, she either pulls her head out and starts doing the work or you'll change schools a private one that is very strict. I'm sure she has a great group of friends and doesn't want to lose them.

Also I suggest you visit a careers advicer. They will help you and your daughter create some long term goals for after she leaves school. This has given me so much motivation for my last year at school.

Another issue is the threatening. A punishment needs to be followed through. No use threating when your daughter knows your not serious about it. I don't agree with spanking a child, espcially a 14year old. But your the parent, you make the choices.

Follow through with punishments. For example, no cellphone for a week means NO CELLPHONE FOR A WEEK! Lock it away. Don't give in.

Tell her if she wants to act like an immature 7year old then you will treat her like one. Bed time is strictly 8.30pm. No tv after that but 30min reading then lights out.

Be strict. Also maybe you should visit a counsellor together and seperatly. I also suggest self defence. This will help to make you stronger physically and mentally so you will be able to stand up to your daughter.

Talk to Emily's father. Explain to him that when he gives into her and lets her punishment slide he is actually making her a bad person in society. She will never know that for every action there is a reation. You should sit down, (all 3 of you) and create the house and school rules together. That way she cant complain because she has an involvement in the descion making process.

Also get the school involved, let them know that you don't approve of Emily's behaviour at school.

Remember who is the parent and who is the child. Remember where your priority lies (with your children first and foremost)
And the you must make changes for things to improve!