i am an adult...but my mother is still making me crazy! help!?

Question

my husband and i moved in this past august with my parents.and there have been a lot of problems in our marriage b/c of it.my mom is prying into our business (looking at our bills/pay/bank statements) to make sure we aren't mooching off of her (not going out to eat, or making unnecessary purchases.) the agreement was to clean the house every week, which is fine. my hubby got a 2nd job so we could have a little spending money, but now are under such scrutiny every time we go out. where are you going, why are you going, don't spend any money. it's awful. i really feel as if i'm 15 again. i understand that my parents have gone out of their way for us, but no matter what i do, my mom is looking to pick a fight (just like when i was in high school)...i mean, i've graduated college and have been married for almost 2 years. she just is out to fight with me. anyway, we want to move, but are worried she will hate us forever...we're really not in a financial position to move again.

(((ran out of room))))
my mother never had a mom.she was raised by her grandma...because her mom and dad quit being parents.
now that you know that...i got married to my boyfriend of 5 years.everything was perfect, we rented our own house but i got very ill.and was in the hospital and out of work.my parents have definately gone above and beyond their call of duty in inviting my husband and i to live with them.we really appreciate all they've done....but i know that if we continue living here, my mom will ruin our relationship (the shambles that it's in now is as good as it gets)...our friends offered us to move in for 330 a month plus groceries (they're having a hard time paying their bills too)

anyway...please help me...i'm a christian, and i don't know how to tlel my mom...that she's making me nuts, has to back off, and we're leaving!

yes i am working...and yes, i do live in america--ohio...actually. pretty close to akron.

my husband makes 740 every couple weeks with job no. one. about 100 every 2 weeks with job no. two.
i work 45 hours a week too....roughly 430 a week. but as i said, we are poor...and past due on our bills...about 22 k in credit card debt (i know, stupid, i know...so please spare me the...you're dumb why would you have that much debt, talks)

Answer 1

First of I'm a Christian too, although you should be respectful and civil to her, the child obedience commandment is for children. You are clearly an adult in God's eyes. You and your husband should be on your own at all costs, God doesn't care about bank books. He call us to live in peace. Every young couple wants to go out to eat at times, buy flighy little things and just have fun together. All she sees is the bank book balance, this is not living according to God's plan for you. As the man of your marriage your husband needs to confont this with her, do not leave room open for dispute, tell her you have another place to love, and you are moving out, thank you for everything and you love them. She will argue, she will accuse, she will get very upset--and try the old guilt routine, but never allow anyone's personality dictate your actions. Yes she is treating you like a child and these should be some of the happiest years of your life. Look at you--a college grad!
Move in today with your friends and if it doesn't work, live in a one room motel, the first 5 yrs. of marraige are the most stressful as it is, you two need to be alone and serene. Your $ is entirely your own business.

Answer 2

It is wonderful that your parents have been so willing to help you out in these tough times but that does not give your mother the right to try to run your life or pry into your personal affairs. You need to draw some boundaries lines with her. I would sit her down and tell her how much you appreciate their generosity but that you will not put up with the way she is treating you and the things that she is doing to harm your relationship with your husband. If she refuses to back off and come to some compromises and give you some privacy your only alternative is to leave. It would be a mistake to leave though without letting your mother now how you feel and what affects her actions are having on your relationship and your own feelings. Sooner or later you will have to set these boundaries with your mother as it it is likely she will continue this behaviour even after you leave their house.
She may not even be fully aware of the negative effects of her own behaviour, she may simply see it has being an helpful and responsible mother with your best interests at heart.

Answer 3

Hello,

I can certainly understand the hardships of just starting out on your own, it is very difficult!! I tend to believe that it is one noble thing to do something nice for someone, and that it is something completely else to remind that person you did something nice for them and make them feel guilty for it. You and your husband are a young married couple, and I can only imagine the difficulties of trying to maintain a healthy
relationship while living with your parents.

The best advice I can give is to examine your financial situation and find a way to get back on your own. Find a reasonably priced apartment where some of the utilities are included, and penny-pinch until you get on your feet.

If you have a halfway decent relationship with your parents outside of this situation, they should support your trying to go back out on your own and be there for you. I would hope they would be supportive and proud of you blossoming into an adult, and coming back from being really sick, and definitely not hate you for it.

In all honesty, I would definitely not live with my friends, despite their offer, either. When there is money involved, people behave differently towards each other, and in the interest of preserving the friendship if at all possible I would try to find a place with just yourself and your husband.

Best of luck to you, and take care.

Answer 4

Ok, well first be grateful that your mother has given you the opportunity to move in so you can save money. I kinda agree with her since you are not paying rent and you are there to save up for your own place. I think that for now you should not be going out spending on fun things until you have enough saved up for first and last month rent. Give her the money you would be spending on going out to each to cover the extra utilities and grocery bills. Look at this as a gift that she is there for you. My mother is passed on and would not be as luck to have help if I was in your shoes and be forced to struggle or possibly be homeless. So be grateful that she is there to help and save to move as soon as you can.

Answer 5

ya gotta laugh

love your mom

and dad

realize that, living in America, as you (I think, do) you live better than 90% of the planet.

you're a Christian? are you? how is the gratitude thing going? how is the prayer thing going? how is the forgiveness thing going?

when someone pis=es you off, pray for the assh=le! pray hard

again, learn to laugh. be happy for what you have

there is NO SUCH THING AS A NORMAL FAMILY

not mine

not yours

relax. Laugh. give thanks to God that you have what you have

honor thy father and mother, that your days might be long on the land that God has given you.

good luck

Answer 6

The truth is always the best. You can't be concerned with hurting her when she is hurting you and your relationship. Your mom is only human as well and you have to put your foot down in order to save your marriage. Take the offer your friend gave you. IT might be the ONLY way to SAVE your relationship with your mother and your husband.

Answer 7

Well if you are living under their roof then I guess you have to follow the rules even though you don't like what they have to say..And that is the least that you can since they offered you both a place to live and if you don't like it then I would have to say leave and find a different place to live then..

Answer 8

best advice is to move out because sonner or later your parents will ruin your marrige so even if you get an apartment together thats fine because thats what happen to me and my wife but now everythings ok because we moved out of her parrents home. Good luck and please move out you will be happier together alone by yourself with your husband.

Answer 9

Move ASAP. If she gets mad and says something, tell her you had to go or else you might end up hating her for the way she acts.

Answer 10

If you are as "adult" as you say you are why are you living with your mom? Get the hell out of her house and leave her the hell alone!!!!!