How did you end your friendship with a mentally ill friend suffering with an anxiety disorder?

Question

I know a lot of people will think I'm mean for doing this, but you have to keep in mind I've stuck with this friend for over 20 years. Her anxiety disorder is out of control, doctors, and meds aren't helping, and she's becoming more isolated and fearful. So I'm thinking of ending our friendship. Maybe having me around is the reason she doesn't try harder to get better, because she knows I'll run errands for her, stop by to check on her, and listen to her cry all the time. I love her, but love myself more, and this is messing with my peace of mind. So I'm not looking to be criticized, I'm just looking for comments from people who found themselves in this position, and chose to end the friendship. How did you end it without causing too much hurt? She has shown me her medical records, and it does list an anxiety disorder. Today was the last straw for me. I posted two other questions with describes my friend.

Bmac, the first part of my message says she has tried counseling and meds, MANY OF THEM over the years, and still no help. The meds don't work, and she says the therapists she has seen are not patient, or the sessions don't teach her anything she doesn't know. So what am I supposed to do, if medical professionals can't help?

Go Know, yes she does have a past history of sexual, emotional, and physical abuse from childhood till early teens. I sympathize with her, and have done so over 20 years. But I can't take seeing her this way. You yourself admit that honesty and accountability are the answers, which means it is a choice to get better on some level. It's not a good feeling to watch a friend wither away like this decade after decade.

Tylenol that's easy to say when you have not comforted a friend like this unconditionally for decades. That is why my question is for those who have and understand. Otherwise, you're just assuming I have not been a friend.

Answer 1

I don't think you are mean. Mentally ill people can often be very needy and self-involved, and that in itself can be very draining to others.
In my experience, I've found that changing my behavior and gradually withdrawing is the best solution because a sudden break can cause a lot of guilt on my part and hurt on the friend's part.
You need to slow down a bit, don't do so much for her, don't jump to every little request. Limit the time you are on the phone with her, drop in less frequently and make the visits shorter, etc.
If the time comes when you are confronted with your change of behavior, then tell the simple truth: that you need some more time for yourself.
However, you might just find that by removing yourself a bit and changing YOUR behavior that the situation is more tolerable.
See what happens...take care of yourself and the rest should fall in place.

Answer 2

Ok I have been in your shoes, in fact I had two room mates back to back who both suffered from anxiety disorder. Believe me, its no joke. The first one sort of ended it for us. Prior to us living together she had not left her parents house in a few months because each time she went outside she would think she was having a heart attack and needed to go to the hospital. She couldn't keep a job while we lived together and so her parents had her move back to their place until she could afford to live on her own. There were no hard feelings but she and I have not talked since. The other roommate is still a dear friend.

I know what you mean when you say "you love me more" but how would you like that coming from your friend of 20 years when you were at a really hard time in your life. You don't have to cater to this friend or be their slave. Thrown some distance in but don't throw 20 years of friendship down the toilet. You would want someone to stick through the tough times with you as well. I am not critizing because I know that what you are putting up with is tough, I just think distance is a better way to go about things.

Answer 3

What kind of mental illness? and what kind of anxiety disorder? You should just try one more time to help her out by finding her another psychiatrist.
Would SHE want to end a friendship because of your mental illness? (if you had one)
Is it really a friendship at all, what you've said makes it hard to believe yall are friends.

Answer 4

The word diagnosed is no better than saying.. "you have this you have that" in other words you're sick. I know trustt me having anxiety disorder and depression all in one is no easy matter. However, do you really feel this way? Why are you letting someone else labeling on how you are feeling? Your question is kind of vague, but I have to contradict on the fact that you're saying "mentally ill because of this" what does that supposed to mean? If someone says you have a cold so therefore you must have a cold.

Answer 5

Medications don't generally tend to help with personality disorders...

Whoever gave her medications for this was an idiot...

Behavioral reconditioning and memory repression therapy is the ticket.

She sounds to me to have been severely abused... You don't ever just snap out of that on your own unless you have honesty and accountability and a desire to get better...Which are things that the rest of us take for granted. You cant expect someone to understand something that they were never taught...

She is in mid mode and can't see a way out for herself... show her.

I have a friend who is schizophrenic...(which is probably due to latent traces of syphilis) I allow him only so far in and I am honest as much as he allows (as he can get violent and spiteful.)

I have been in your shoes and at a loss for knowing what to do and have wanted to leave many times... MANY!

He gets the massage now and only calls when he is grounded because he doesn't like to hear the truth. I would never deny him my presence OR and especially my honesty... Which can hurt sometimes.. . It is not fair to avoid and deny and excuse yourself, FOR yourself... when someone needs you to do anything but...

My friend understands that there are rules. I made them, and posted them loud and clear!

He understands that if you want to be in my company... No crazy talk! Therefore it is his choice, not mine.
That is teaching someone honesty and accountability which is the beginning of the entire mental health process.

You can keep her company... But let her know that there are rules. That in and of itself may help. If she has to work for your company maybe it will be a good enough reason for her to get well?

Answer 6

You didn't mention that she is on medications and seeing a doctor before. If you are constantly giving her attention and coming to her rescue, then yes...you aren't helping her. Just tell her you can't do this anymore. She is going to have to do more for herself. If she refuses, says she can't....well, then she doesn't want to get better and really just wants attention. Some people can actually be addicted to their misery. It's true. They fear if they get better that no one will pay as much attention to them...and they need attention.

Answer 7

Don't waste your time hanging around with nutballs... go enjoy your life and let them go be loony tunes somewhere else. Most people with "mental problems" are just immature adults who are looking for attention because they didn't get it when they were kids, or they use it as an excuse to be selfish or dishonest. Tell 'em to screw and hang out with normal people that you can do things with.

Answer 8

Wow. You are in the same position my ex-boyfriend was in with me last year. He said the same thing about me. He left me because he couldn't handle my isolation, paranoia, delusions, suicide threats, panic attacks, crying, etc. anymore. I was housebound for months because I was afraid to go out and I refusing to speak to anyone other than him. He began to have his own mental breakdown/anxiety problem because of the stress I caused him. He broke up with me 'nicely' by saying he still loved me, blah blah blah, but he couldn't take it anymore because his own mental health was going down the toilet. He said he tried everything he could do to help me but there was nothing else he could do for me. He said the same thing about how he believed I depended on him for too much and that he wasn't helping me, only making it worse somehow. It really upset him and he was very depressed because of the situation. After he broke up with me, I lost it and called him hundreds of times until he had to start ignoring my calls or cursing me out. He said he wanted to have 'distance' between us until I 'got better', etc.. He ended the relationship and the friendship.

I was pissed off. It didn't matter what he said, I still wanted to kill him for leaving me. I wanted to kill him and then myself because I felt so abandoned. I really was not in a good frame of mind and I really thought about burning his house down. I was that sick. All I could think about was that he left me. I couldn't think about how to get better. My mental illness made it IMPOSSIBLE for me to understand what he was going through and I felt little or no sympathy for him because I was the one with the 'problem', not him!! (that's what I thought at the time) There was NO WAY for him to have done that without me being hurt, angry, suicidal - the whole bit. I was so filled with hatred and all I could think about was how he 'didn't understand'.

In my situation, I was able to see a doctor and get help. I got on meds a month later and now I'm MUCH better. I had been untreated for years and that's why I was so impossible to deal with. Treatment is helping me and it's only now that I can understand how he must of felt. I'm still angry because he didn't wait for me to try medication but at least I'm doing better and 'fixing' my life. I'm honestly afraid for you because the friend you are describing sounds like she's not doing well at all. It sounds like she's worse off than I was since even meds are not helping her. I hate to say that I do not think there is an easy way out of this for you without out her feeling completely hopeless, abandoned, hurt and angry. She may even attempt/threaten suicide when you try to end the friendship. You may need therapy yourself to help you deal with this because you may feel immense guilt, especially if something 'happens' to her after you stop speaking to her.

I wish you luck and I'm sorry you are going through this.

Answer 9

dont take me wrong brother but i dont think you were a friend to start up with. friend in need is friend indeed......peter also denied jesus too.