My socially awkward friend always asks if others have said something about her! Is this social phobia or more?

Question

A friend of mine is socially awkward around people she has not known a long time. But with me and old friends, she's though still self-conscious if we stare at her while dancing or doing anything. A few years ago I realized it probably isn't shyness, but more of a social phobia, but I'm wondering if it's getting worse or something else.

For instance, when we visit her, if we run into her neighbors and she hears us talking, she immediately wants to know if they asked anything about her, such as if she works or ever goes out, because she dodges the neighbors and rarely sees them.

According to her, she's embarassed due to her unemployment and avoidance of neighbors, and worries they will begin to inquire about her, discover she's socially awkward and unemployed, and everyone will judge or gossip about her

It's really becoming a pain. So much so, that I'm thinking about ending our friendship. This has gone on years, constantly, always something, about someone, very draining.

Ok, if it's paranoia, does that mean it's permanent, and no hope for her. Isn't paranoia something that doesn't go away. She is draining me.

She wants to socialize with others, but is too self-conscious and afraid. I can't continue being her only source of interaction. We have one other friend between us, who is fed up also.

Bmac you've responded to all my questions. So you might want to learn the difference between obsession and interest. Secondly, it has taken me over 20 years to even ask these questions of anyone. There is nothing obessive about that. Skip questions not of interest to you, and stop looking for opportunities to post unhelpful comments.

Answer 1

I agree with the other posters that she sounds like she is suffering from paranoia. However, paranoia by itself is not a diagnosis. The best thing for her is to see a counselor trained in these types of things.

As a friend, you can suggest things, but you can't change her. In other words, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make her drink. I would recommend some type of caring intervention, like this:

Sit her down, and tell her what a great friend she is, and list two or three specific and great things about her. Tell her how much you enjoy being her friend and how much you care about her.

Then tell her that you've noticed some things about her behavior... and that it's been getting worse... and that as her friends, you're really really worried about her and think she should see someone about it... AND, if you think she can handle it... tell her how it's affecting your friendship... not that she's "being a pain," but that it's difficult, etc.

Then, give her a list of some counselors or numbers to call. Do some research ahead of time for some counselors in your community to make it easy on her.

Repeat how much you value her friendship, and that she's really too young to be unhappy like this. She honestly may not realize how bad things have gotten, since she is like this every day... you need to be her "mirror" and reflect back to her what she has become - gently...

That's all you can really do. The rest is up to her. Good luck.

Answer 2

Sounds as though she has a Social Phobia as well as Paranoia. Sorry this is becomming a problem for you, but your friend needs all the support she can get. Has she seen her doctor about this Paranoia.

Answer 3

Personally it sounds to me like she just has a very low self esteem. She feels very inadequate and is afraid that everyone around her is going to see that inadequacy. If you were ever a really good friend to her you might try and help her out. Get her a good self esteem book and try and be supportive but be honest with her and tell her that her neediness is pushing you away.

http://www.esteemableacts.com/speaker.html
this might be a good place to start looking, good luck.

Answer 4

Yes, it sounds like a social phobia, and she also sound co-dependent. As she looks to you to confirm her anxieties.
Have you tried telling her in personal exactly what you have written here? Half of the healing, is knowing. It sounds like you honestly care about her, before ending the relationship at least try..
She is afraid people are talking about her, and your afraid to talk... sounds like a pair :) but....that's what friends are for, to be honest and to try to help each other.

Suzan

Answer 5

Try asking her why she thinks she is so important that her neighbours would be talking about her. It opened my eyes when i read this as i am socially anxious and can worry what people may say about me although i really don't mind if people talk about me, i look at it from the perspective that it's nice to be noticed, mayby she should worry more that noone might talk about her.

Answer 6

I know how you feel,it is really very draining to have a friend like that,stay away from her for a while. Talking from experience.

Answer 7

Its social phobia and paranoia...In a nutshell, its low self esteem...The first thing she should do is stop worrying about what other people think of her...

Answer 8

She needs help. You need to step up and tell her something to boost her confidence. It's really sad how we are obsessed with what other people think.

Good Luck

Answer 9

Wow--she sounds rather schizoid! I would be honest with her and tell her your feelings. Do you think she would benefit from some type of counseling-if so recommend it to her. Don't end your friendship because of her sickness--you need to try and help her!

Answer 10

Ok, you are just a little too obsessed with this friend. Move on and away from her. She's sucking the life out of all of you.