i am so confused about our relationship...............?

Question

we are 26 been together 5 years and live together.problem is i feel ready to maybe get married and have children. yet he is still wanting to go out every weekend with his mates drinking. i am not saying i dont like going out with my friends because i do i love it. but i think i want something more now i have been going out since i was 17 . i just dont know if we have a future- if i wait around to see if he changes (as he says it would be different with kids)what if he doesn't and ive wasted my time. or i cut my losses and find someone who does want the same things as me????????????? any advice or if you been in similar situation

Answer 1

You are maturing and he is not. Your leaving him behind. Kids, marriage, a house, he's not ready. You'll either have to wait or move on.

Answer 2

Noone will be able to answer this question for you, but hopefully I can help a little. So often I think couples neglect good communication as they assume they know their partners 'take' on things and their expectations without ever actually talking to each other about them. I have an exercise for you! Yeegads! For 5 minutes one of you describe why you love the other and then its the others turn. Do not interrupt. Then take the next 5 minutes to talk about what you both think a loving relationship is and what you want out of the relationship from each other. After you've had your say try discussing it together. If you dont want to do this, ask yourself why. If it is difficult talkng about good things how will you handle tough situations? (Like discussing having children!)

The above then can open the door to honest discussions about your future. Where does your partner want to be in a years time? Five years? Ten years or at retirement? How does that future look? What about you, how do you see your future? How will you both get there? How does that reflect on your relationship now? Perhaps you could both then write your own lists about what would be great about having a child and what would not and then discuss it openly and honestly together. You will then be able to discover what is really important to you partner and what the real reasons are behind his not wanting to have children. I would guess that its not about him not being able to go out for drinks with his mates, but perhaps a fear of loss of freedom. There could be a great deal of fear there too about the pressure it could put on your relationship or even the financial pressure. Or fears he might not make a good father. Or any number of things. The only way you will find out is to have a really open and non-judgemental discussion. Once its all out in the open and you both feel you have said thats on your mind then you will be better able to see the way forward. Hope you're still awake! Sorry for prattling! Good luck!

Answer 3

Hi,

I totally understand why you are confused. I take it you love him very much? You didn't say so, but I'm guessing that if you've been together for 5 years and you want to get married to him, then you do.

At 26 I am not surprised he is not ready for marriage and children, to be honest. Men generally mature at a much slower rate that women. In fact, I think you'd be hard pushed to find a 26-year-old guy who wanted marriage and kids right now. Has your boyfriend said he might want it in the future - or has he said he definitely does not ever want it?

It all depends how important marriage and children are to you and how eager you are to do those things. If it really is very important to you and your boyfriend definitely never wants marriage or children, then yes, maybe you should think about leaving. He could change his mind as he grows up though, so it all rests on how deeply you love him.

I think you need to have a real sit down with him - maybe if you said (without actually giving him an ultimatum, as that isn't fair) that you really want to be married and have children and may have to leave him if he really doesn't want these things, it may make him re-think his ideas and he may realise how important you are to him.

You may find that he is willing to compromise - get engaged to show his commitment to you, but agree to not have children until you're both say about 30. That's still not too old to have kids! You musn't pressure him though, as you'll most likely end up resenting each other and things will go rapidly wrong - you'll be left holding the baby and he'll still be out with his mates.

Ultimately if it's not looking good after speaking to him, then yes, maybe you should think of moving on.

Hope this helps
xx Emmie

Answer 4

Most of the time, women mature faster than men. also women have this thing caled a biological clock and they begin to want to settle down and reproduce. Unfortunately, men do not have the same instinct. oh they want to reproduce all right, but they do not want to settle down. By choosing to hang out with his friends every weekend and never include you, he is sending you a strong message. and it will not change once you get married. my advice to you is if you have not conpleted college do so, and if you have, then move out and begin dating and enjoy life and experience life. at 25 you are still free to do some more growing and traveling and maybe wait untill you are say around 29 or 30 before you begin having kids. i know you probably dont think i nake much sense. howevre, give your self time to think it over and i am sure that you might agree. a baby does not mean he will stop drinking and partying every wekend. when you deice to have a baby then you and your partner should be deciding together because you both should be in the same place mentally to have a child. habits that you are detcting now do not miracously go away because one gets married, has a baby, etc..... what you see is what you get. if he is not including you in your life now, then that is not likely to change. at your age, you should be enjoying a nice social life and you should b comparison dating. you would be surprised how many traits a child has of the parent that are negative and positive. look around for someone with your values about life, family, how you raise children, etc.....peace and blessings

Answer 5

Don't think that you have wasted time. Everything that we do in our ives teaches us valuale lessons. If you are ready to settle down and start a family, and he is not, then move on.

The biggest lesson I have learned in my relationships as I got older, was that as we get older we all change. Many times both people change at a different speed, or even in different directions.
My husband and I got married when I was 25. We both liked to go out and drink/dance/etc. Later down the road, even after having a child, he was still a party guy. I wanted to just be a mommy/wife. I ended up leaving him a few years later.
15 years later, I am a professional with a career, and he is an alcoholic. Yet I don't consider the relationship a waste of those 7 yrs together. It was a growing experience.
Listen to your gut and do what makes you happy.

Answer 6

What you are describing is the male phobia of commitment. Sounds like your boyfriend is content where he is cause he gets the best of both worlds - has you with him when he wants, but chooses to spend most weekends with his friends drinking.
The first thing you need to do is bite the bullet and ask him for some time to have a good chat about where things are at.
You should avoid accusing him or attacking him, but you should state your position clearly, and ask him where he is at, and try and find some ground to talk about issues.
If he is a decent bloke then he will understand this (he may not like it) but he will at least be honest with you. This is all you can ask. If after a good chat or two it becomes clear that you are not at the same stage, and he is not prepared to compromise, then you might be better off without him.
If however, he is prepared to compromise and see where you are coming from - great, you have to decide if this is the bloke for you to marry and be the father of your children.
I have seen a number of girls in the same situation as you. Just make sure you are not being taken advantage of, but also that you are not missed out on a good future together.
Best of luck

Answer 7

Well 1st and formost, talk to him about the direction your relationship is taking, look at what both are you looking for in a relationship at this present time at the moment.

Is the love still there??, thats important also, do you feel that he is the one you want to be with for the rest of his life.

If there is no shared sense of a future together, then I suggest you cut your losses and discontinue the relationship, there is no point flogging a dead horse.

It will be hard but you need to know what you want.

Remember marriage is not the end of people's lives, you can still do the same things you did before you were married, the only thing is that you have made a lifelong commitment to each another. not like they have scanners at clubs barring you from entering if you are married, right?

Answer 8

This may not be what you want to hear but me and my ex were together from 17 till 22. He broke things off because we are in two different parts of our lives. I was thinking about my career and buying a house etc... he was enjoying his life as a student going out all the time. He ended things and it hasn't been long but i now realise that without knowing it he was holding me back.

This seems to be similar to your situation too, even if you love someone you may want different things and that's a big problem to have. What you have to think is you have been with him a long time now, but if you know things are not working long term then maybe you need to look in to your relationship you do not want to put this to the back of your mind to feel the same in two years time and feel like you have wasted two years. I hope this helps!

Good luck!

Answer 9

don't rush him into marriage and kids, cause it could blow up in your face. he might end up leaving you or detesting you for pressuring him. and you will be all alone with a baby on single mother welfare. He doesn't sound like he wants to rush into marriage nd children, and when he does he will ask you if you would like to get married. Marriage and children are between 2 people not 1. If he's still like this after your both in your 30s then maybe think about staying with him or not, seems like you want to live two different lives. You are both still in your 20's enjoy it.

Answer 10

You are expecting him to change, but you want a time limit, that's your problem.

If you are expecting him to change, then you need to set an undefine amount of time for him to change, and as you can see by yourself, you're not willing to do that.

So... my suggestion is... do NOT expect him to change.


Okay, lets move on to your next problem, your relationship with him. As you have mentioned, your relationship with him is pretty good despite some of your unfulfilled wishes. You have a good relationship and you don't want to break it.

So... my suggestion is... do NOT break your relationship with him and continue to keep good relationship with him.


Okay, lets move on to your next problem, getting married and have children. As you have mentioned, he doesn't seem to be interested in those things for the time being nor in the near future.

So... my suggestion is... said to him that you want to be married and have children, NOW!

Said to him that you're willing to compromise, but the primary is a marriage like relationship (which you sort of already have) and children.

Tell him if he can't do that, you are forced to find someone who can.

But remember what I said before, do NOT break your relationship with him. Keep the current relationship, but add another one to the collection.



A note here, if you do break up with him, there's a chance you will end up in the same situation again, with another person. So if you want marriage and children, breaking up with him would be pointless and not necessary.


As for going out every weekend with his mates drinking.

Many husbands do that.

Answer 11

I have changed, after I've settled down with my wife and started a family.

People do change, not all.

Don't know if you guys had sat down and discussed it seriously and if you have tried and for how long.

Suggest you get him to sit down and relate to him that you are very very serious about this if the relationship is to go on. Then, give him sometime to adjust and observe if he realizes your seriousness and if he had made any effort to adjust his lifestyle (of course not giving up his male friends totally). Meanwhile, talk to and discuss your thoughts along the way to find ways of compromise.

If after some time you find that it is not working and that he is not making any effort at all, then you know exactly what you will have to do.