What should I do about my mother?

Question

Ok my dilemna is this:
My mother is a devout Catholic who ended up turning me away from religion because she was so stircit, intense, outspoken, pushy and did nothing but make me fear the end of the world throughout my childhood and teen years. We get along but really do not talk to eachother as I have quite a bit of resentment towards her. Its doubtful that she knows how much she has hurt me...
I want nothing more than to marry on a cruise ship by a non-demonational minister with my fiance. It would be so much simpler and its what we both want.
But my mother expects me to marry in the catholic church and go through all of that hassle which I dont even believe in, in the first place.
She is old and I know she means well so I dont want to hurt her, but I feel guilty putting my fiance through all this religious stuff he doesnt want to do. And I feel like a coward doing things just for her.
What would you do? What you want? or what your mother wants? And why?

Answer 1

I think the issue is bigger than just pitting what you want against what your mother wants. Wedding vows are an extremely serious undertaking, and I believe it matters on a spiritual level in what denomination you choose to conduct your ceremony. Isn't it a bit hypocritical to take part in a ceremony crafted by a religion that you no longer claim as your own?

That being said, are you quite sure you are ready to reject the Catholic Church so wholeheartedly? Perhaps your mother, as much as you love her, wasn't the best emissary for the Catholic faith. It might make sense to have some meetings with a Catholic priest whose opinion you trust. If you don't know one, ask friends of yours who might know. At the very least, a priest might be able to help you clarify and explain to your mother what your feelings are on this.

Because you mention a non-denominational minister, it sounds like you still consider yourself Christian. Perhaps this idea will help soften the blow to your mother if you ultimately decide not to marry in the Catholic Church.

Best of Luck.

Answer 2

I think it would be wrong to get married in a church that you and your fiance aren't a part of. If I'm not mistaken, part of the Catholic marriage ceremony involves promising to raise your children as Catholics. If you are unwilling to make this promise, a church wedding probably isn't for you. Part of marriage is breaking away from your parents, and becoming one with your spouse. If neither of you want that kind of wedding, and would only be doing it for your mother, I could see some resentment building up. Have the cruise wedding. In the future, you and your husband may find a church that you both like, and could have the marriage blessed, if you want to. At that point, it would be a beautiful thing, and not something either of you felt coerced to do. Your mother may not like it, but she isn't the one who is living your life. You are. Good luck.

Answer 3

if yoru child winds up doing this to you, how will you feel about it? no parent is perfect. Your mother did what she believed to be right. how much more can you ask of someone than to follow their heart, soul and mind?
2nd. I understand how you feel about wanting to be married in your own way.
I let my mother talk me into having a wedding when all I really wanted was to elope. Since I can remember it has always seemed so romantic to come back and say 'hey everyone, guess what I did this weekend?"
And 25 yrs later, I wish I had done it. But it was more right to let my parents be part of my wedding.
Could you compromise? Have a quiet ceremony, get married on a cruise ship, keep it a secret from everyone, then have a wedding in the Catholic Church?
I had wanted to go get married by a justice of the peace then have a real wedding but I let ppl talk me into doing different.
And the most important thing is being married, RIGHT?

Answer 4

Is there a comprimise?

Perhaps a wedding on the cruise ship, but a small ceremony in a church to "bless" your union. (Just because you don't feel strongly about religion, doesn't mean you can't accept the blessings of others. ) Or a simple ceremony in a a catholic church. (My brother married a girl that is Catholic, but their ceremony was very simple with just family and close friends.)

When you look back on things in 20 years, could you possibly ever regret not being married in a church? Maybe when you have kids? You can still do the cruise.

Just remember: sometimes you have to choose between being right and doing right, and somtimes you have to choose between being right or being happy.

What do you feel is the "right" thing, and can you live with the consequences of choosing to go against your mom.

Good Luck

Answer 5

I think you should rethink your life beliefs. I think you need to talk to your priest or a local church group and reevaluate your faith. It is so wonderful to be a part of the Catholic Church. Marriage is a holy sacrament and not just something to take litely. You should be web in a catholic ceremony but be educated about it. Have it mean something. Both you and your fiancee should take some time to learn about the significance of the catholic church and marriage in the catholic church.

I was married in the Catholic Church almost 4 years ago and I feel so blessed to have done so. To this day, I love going to church with my husband. It fills me with joy to be recongnized by our Lord and have our love blessed by Him.

Answer 6

You can either do what you want or what your mother wants. Theres no easy answer, you could try talking it out with her and explaining why you want to do your idea, get her involved somewhat but from what you said I suspect that wouldnt cut much ice.

At then end of the day its your wedding, youre only going to get one and if youre so turned off getting married in a catholic church that itll ruin your day then dont do it.

Answer 7

I think if I were in your position, I would sit down with your fiance and your mother (and his parents too if you want), and all just talk about what you expect out of the wedding. At least sit down with your mom and just let her know that you understand where she is coming from, but you want to opportunity to have the wedding that you and your fiance want or are comfortable with. Hopefully she will come to find that this is your wedding and that you want to make everyone happy, but you want to be able to have the wedding of your dreams. Good luck and congratulations!

Answer 8

First of all, this is YOUR wedding, not hers. You will remember this day for a very long time and you need to sit down with her and let her know, you are an adult and we have freedom of religion, nobody should be forced into a religious ceremony they don't want. If she resents it, you have tried and you are not at fault. Have a great wedding and Good Luck.

Answer 9

No, don't get married in the church if that is not what you believe in. That would be horribly hypocritical and demeaning to those of true faith.
However, make sure you and your bf agree on religion, values and morals and how you will raise your future children - before you get married.
If you are mature enough to get married, you are old enough to explain this NICELY and SANELY to your mom. And you should have discussed your other problems with her LONG before now - that was not nice of you just to hold the resentment. She will die someday and you will miss her terribly (my mom died at 69), and you had best make sure you salvage some sort of relationship with her.

Answer 10

Both of my daughters were raised Catholic/ Neither marrried a cathol;ic. They were each married by a minister but not in the church. IWe were ok with it. It is their situation to work out now ours.