Why does he bring this junk up when he knows it hurts me to be reminded of such terrifying experiences? He asks why didn't I report these. Because that in itself is hell. How can he think it hurts him as much or more than me? We're talking about many years before we met. When he brings this garbage up, it is like reliving it again. I had made peace with it being over and done with, but he doesn't get that HE is hurting ME, by making me think about it over and over? He says he's got to pay for someone else hurting me. Sounds kind of warped to me, but if anyone has an idea how this makes any sense to him, Please Help. Don't suggest I still prosecute the guys, or go for more couseling. My past is past. Like 1980's past...
2007-03-31 10:56:02 · 16 answers · asked by baglady 7 in Health ➔ Mental Health
I should have said that we'd been together almost two years. It would be two today. He's done this for almost that long. You are all so sweet, and kind and supportive. My caller ID is always full, voice mail too with awful stuff, and I JUST WON'T TALK TO HIM ANYMORE>
2007-03-31 16:23:29 · update #1
To be honest, it sounds like this guy has issues of his own. As a sexual abuse survivor myself and a psychologist, I know from personal experience that some people often have a warped reaction to sexual abuse survivors. Now, before I say this, I want you to know that this is not how I feel, but it is what I have experienced personally. In addition, I want you to recognize and realize that it's just not true. However, many people have a warped reaction that sexual abuse survivors are somehow impure. I know that I've had a lot of people who, after finding this out, were unable to look at me the same way. I've even had people somehow blame me for my sexual abuse, saying that I should have done something differently. He may be feeling this way. He may not understand that you were truly a victim, especially since it happened more than once by more than one person and you never prosecuted. He may be feeling this way, and that is why he may be feeling this pain. Sexual abuse still has a very big taboo in this country, and it's very hard for people to willingly engage in a relationship with a sexual abuse survivor. I would suggest that you talk to him about him seeking counselling for his issues with your sexual abuse past. Since you don't have any issues with it, it's clear that the issues are coming from him. He may need to deal with whatever stigma it is in his psyche that is preventing him from letting this go, and hurting you in the process.
2007-03-31 11:10:33 · answer #1 · answered by lilmissmiss 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Your boyfriend is insensitive and an abuser. That's right, an abuser. He knows very well that this bothers you but he can't leave it alone. There are some people who subconsciously get a sexual kick out of mulling over the sexual abuse that has happened to someone else. He sounds like one of them.
Rather than prosecuting or counseling, I say lose this jerk. By what he is doing, he is raping you through reliving your past rapes. If you stay with him, then you will have all the more reason to seek counseling.
A man who respects you would respect your wishes to just move on with life. He sounds like a creep, and a disrespectful one at that!
2007-03-31 13:35:29 · answer #2 · answered by thezaylady 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all, I am sorry that you have experienced such a traumatic event (more than once) in your life. I am sure it is painful to think about and especially if you feel your boyfriend is constantly bringing it up for discussion. It sounds like your boyfriend is having a hard time with this situation and I wonder what is triggering him? Does he feel that you should do something more about it? Of course counseling is always an option but it is something that you get to decide to do. It is not up to your boyfriend to tell you how to deal with it. If he is having such a hard time with it then maybe he should seek counseling to sort through his thoughts and feelings. If he really loves you then he will respect your boundaries and not continue to bring it up when clearly it is hurting you. I would have a heart to heart with him and let him know that each time he brings it up it is stirring up those horrible memories that you feel are better left closed. I would also let him know that if and when you want to talk about it then you will make that decision. I hope this helps! Good luck.
2007-03-31 11:17:33 · answer #3 · answered by athi 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Being a guy i don't comprehend a lot approximately this , yet from what i comprehend there are underlying themes basically an authorized proffesional can resolve , thinking how undesirable it has develop into. there is not any longer something susceptible in asking for help, bypass ask for help and resolve ur issue from a expert. now and returned , i think ladies experience getting raped replaced into their fault and experience they did some incorrect to get raped. don't experience in charge for somebody else's misdeeds . all and sundry is gorgeous and perfect and so are you , and if u've a loving bf wht else u want. Get help , even Tiger Woods is present day technique scientific care.
2016-11-25 02:45:17 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't let your boyfriend's issues with how you dealt with rape bother you. Men sometimes have trouble understanding things that women experience.
My husband said similar things to me last year. I didn't mention it before we were married because it was a long long time ago and it wasn't an issue for me anymore. Then I just happened to mention it in a conversation about another person getting raped and he just went off. He said that he had to live with the damage now...and that he wanted to get back with them. He wanted to know why I didn't press charges. He went on and on.
What can you do? It is part of the problem with rape. It is sort of like someone saying that you can just sue over something. It just isn't worth the pain and misery sometimes. And you know what I mean.
Maybe you still have some issues with the rape. Maybe you don't. But just having your boyfriend fail to support you in this moment just isn't right. It is hard for him because you are his woman, and rape just isn't right. But it is the past and you may need to remind him that it is the past.
I suspect that he just found out about it. Give him time. He will chill in a while. It is like a new rape in his eyes and he needs time for it to sink in and become the past for him too.
A man can never understand rape for the person that has experienced it. Just face it. And if he brings it up over and over for the foreseeable future, it is an issue with him and not you.
I commend you for getting past it. If you had sued or done something else, it is possible that you wouldn't have moved past it. So commend yourself. REALLY.
You are fine. Give him a little time...and recognize that it is terrifying for him too. Later he will be fine too. He just loves you and anger is the first emotion that some people show. It is a natural response. Just like women may just experience depression or denial over it all.
Goodluck. Be patient. I did and he has forgotten rather quickly.
2007-03-31 11:33:08 · answer #5 · answered by kishoti 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry he's forcing you to relive these traumas. Do you have trouble with intimacy and trust? Do you have issues with sex? I think this is what he's referring to when he thinks he's paying the price for what these monsters did to you. You don't need to prosecute the guys or go for more counseling, and you shouldn't have to talk about it anymore. However, it might help if you look at your actions and how well you play the companionship role, and how your past affects your comfort level in an intimate relationship.
Good luck!
2007-03-31 11:06:24 · answer #6 · answered by goodenoughforwhoitsfor 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well its very hard to explain.. but my girlfriend and I have been dating 2 years.. and i just found out in the last 2 months that she was molested and raped.. and its actually been hard for me too... i know it sounds selfish, but its a big stress on me mainly because i know shes still dealing with some of the issues. In my mind she has certain weaknesses which might effect our relationship. Shes been taking advantage of many times in the past, even by her friends in little ways. It just worries me that if im not with her, can she be strong and not get taken advantage of... and im sure that is where your byfriend is coming from.
2007-04-04 02:33:15 · answer #7 · answered by a a 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
They've done cases WAY older than that... But if you feel that your bf is forcing you to act upon this now, then don't. You seem to have passed on from them, and you should make it very clear to your boyfriend that it's a thing of the past and doesn't matter now. It almost seems as if he's jealous of the people who raped you! It's not like he was your boyfriend then anyway.
2007-03-31 12:32:42 · answer #8 · answered by Not Dave 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It sounds like he has a macho bullshit problem. He wants to avenge what happened to you and can't do a damn thing about it. He won't let it go either. I think you have to tell him that this is something that he either quits bringing up or you have to tell him to go. This is like somebody picking at a scar till it's open again and then pouring salt in it. It's very straight forward , He quits bringing it up, or jams down the road. You're not seeing him to hurt you are you? That's about it.
2007-03-31 11:17:01 · answer #9 · answered by redd headd 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Uh, no....I don't get him either. If it was in the 80s and many years before you met.....he's full of **** to say those things. I think you need to let him go. The fact that you confided something to him that hurt you so badly (you didn't have to) and for him to turn it on you....BS. You need someone that thinks you are the bravest girl in the world and is proud of you for going on with your life.
2007-03-31 11:02:58 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋