Why cant she allow me to be the 23 year old independent woman that she wants me to be ......I want to get out in the world ad be happy and succesful, but I do not feel like I can with her always manipulating me to feel better and etc..........................I AM SO UNHAPPY......What do I do?
2007-03-31 07:28:58 · 17 answers · asked by soakingupthesun4u 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
Let me be more detailed......I am about to graduate college and my mom lives 1 1/2 hours away and she tries to control....me by implying that if i dont do something i am a bad person and you would think that by me graduating college with a good degree and getting a great job offer that she would be proud of me, but she isnt and she wants me to come and see her more and I hate doing that because she always makes me feel bad and their is always so much tension and that is why i dont want to see her and all.....I hate tension I think that having a bad parent who manipulates and lies just to get what she wants is almost as bad as not having a parent at all.
2007-03-31 07:44:15 · update #1
Sadly, your mom sounds just like my mom did. She used to check up on me, everything I did and I was in my late 20's, married and had a kid. She invaded my life completely and manipulated/controlled everything I did. When I tried to set boundaries and tell her how I felt we ended up in court for grandparent visitation and she called the cops on me saying I stole something from her house (which wasn't true).
In the long run I ended up having to completely eliminate her from the life of me and my children. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do but no matter what I did she would never treat me or my family with the respect that we deserved and she never accepted the fact that I was an adult. We have not spoken to or seen each other in 3 years and she lives all of 5 miles from me.
My advice, from personal experience, would be to TRY to set those boundaries for yourself with her. If talking to her is too hard for you and it ends up in an argument or more manipulation, write a letter, an e-mail, something to her to get your feelings about the situation out there. Depending on the type of woman she is she may either actually listen to you and try to change things or she will explode and try to manipulate you even more. My mother was the latter of the two.
You are a grown woman. I let the fear of what my mother was going to say or do control my life for almost 32 years, don't let that happen to you. Give her a reason to respect you as an adult (by setting your boundaries) and take whatever comes from that on a day to day basis. It's hard because as children all we desire from our parent's is acceptance and unconditional love and when we don't get that, it's devastating to us. You have to decide what is more important to you now.
2007-03-31 13:08:29 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Listen to what your mom has to say out of respect and then tell her thank you for your opinion I appreciate your imput. Then let her know while you respect her after all she is your mother, but you are a grown women and are capable of making your own decisions and mistakes and you would appreciate if she would also respect you and your decisions even if she thinks or knows it is a wrong choice. She should be supportive either way if she loves you. She needs to give you a chance to be yourself. Even when she is right let her know it will be more beneficial to you to just be there for you in a supportive loving way, not an I told you so sarcastic way. You will both have a better relationship as women and it will grow into a beautiful mature friendship down the road. It will not be easy for either of you, but well worth it in the end.
2007-03-31 07:39:05 · answer #2 · answered by passion2share 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If your 23, then she can't stop you! You need to decide what you want to do & then go do it! Do you have a job? If you do, then you should move out, if you haven't already. Your mom might be trying to help get you to do something to get you started, she is just doing it the wrong way. It's really all up to you! Figure out what you want, then make a plan of how you can make it happen, then go for it! A positive attitude helps a lot! Good Luck!!!
2007-03-31 07:39:33 · answer #3 · answered by Sherrie L 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When you call to talk to her you keep your conversations short and positive. Tell her about your job and the accomplishments you've made. Tell her about your friends and activities. But under no circumstances should you complain about anything, and if you feel like she is trying to manipulate or change you, cut the conversation short. Do not let her bring you down or talk you into doing anything you dont' want to do! You need to stand up to her and tell her how you feel and that you will not put up with it any longer. Give her an ultimatum. Tell her that you would like to continue to have a relationship with her but if she continues to belittle and manipulate you, then you will be forced to cut her out of your life. It may be scary at first, but you will feel good about yourself for doing it! Don't give up!
2007-03-31 07:45:18 · answer #4 · answered by Laura H 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get a job and move out. Invite her over to see how well you are doing. Could always have a talk with let her know you love her and when she says.... or when she does... it really bothers you. If you are living home stay over your friends houses once in a while. Or make time for you and your mom to spend together she may feel like she is losing because you got older. best of luck
2007-03-31 07:36:23 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Be an adult, sit her down and tell her so. Tell her you don't want to see her, because you feel all she does is put you down and fails to see all you've accomplished. Tell her that if she cannot be a positive force in your life and love you for who you are, you don't want to be around her. Sometimes people get into the habit of being negative, and they don't even realize it. She may be hurt, but sometimes you need to deal with the repercussions of your actions. Make your feelings known, don't let it eat at you until you explode!
2007-03-31 08:28:31 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am going through a similar time as you. Jobs are hard to come buy in my area, so are apartments. In my last job my parents took most of my money and i still got no freedom. I will be starting a new job soon and plan to save my money this time and move out as quick as I can. in the mean time be ultra helpful and pull more than your fair share. When you move out maybe she will see what she didn't before.
2007-03-31 07:40:29 · answer #7 · answered by Mel 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Move out and be independent. You have not had that "AH-HA" moment yet...it's the actual second you realize that you are in control of your own life and even though for 18 years you have had to listen to everyone else...you do not anymore. You are now in control of your life...but it is always nice to still be babied by your mom every so often. Go out in the world and make your mom proud!
2007-03-31 07:33:37 · answer #8 · answered by Silver B 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, at this point, you have to move out. Parents have a difficult time easing out of the strict parental role and downshifting to a supportive role if the child is still in the home. In my case, I actually had to move away for a while, too (we were 3 hours away) because I was married, and my dad kept putting down my husband and telling us how to spend our money. Well, we didn't have to move, but it helped our marriage and we were more dependant on each other.
2007-03-31 07:33:59 · answer #9 · answered by Lisa 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
The only answer is to move out and get on your own. This does not mean you forget your mothers advice she has given you during the years you have lived at home, but you do have a life to live.
2007-03-31 07:40:20 · answer #10 · answered by lynnsanner@sbcglobal.net 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋