Two year old doesn't want to go with grandparents.?

Question

My daughter gets very clingy and irritable when her grandparents come over. She says she doesn't want to go places with them. She usually isn't like this with other people, and she sometimes, though rarely, does want to be with them. My question is, when she is crying and says she doesn't want to go, what am I supposed to do? They are very pushy and tell my husband that I never let them see her (he works out of town), though they already see her a couple of times a week. I have never refused them, but I feel like I am teaching my daughter that her feelings are not important. What should I do?

Sorry, for the confusion, they are his parents, not mine.

Answer 1

Some children do this when they do not like the way the people they are with treat them. I am not accusing them of hurting her or anything, by all means. I just know from having a daycare and children of my own that at that age they want to be where they have the most fun.

Answer 2

If your daughter doesn't want to be alone with them you should respect that. It would be different if we were talking about a father in one main way -generally two divorsed parents can't get along for prolong periods.

Assuming that you can get along with (or fake it) the grandparents there is NO reason for her to be alone with them. Honestly I don't understand this push relatives have to take kids away from their parents. I used to go see my dad first every saturday -and then later every other weekend and that was fine. However I never went to stay over at any relatives until I was old enough to want to, and I am sure if I had said I wanted to go home my mom would have picked me up. Seriously if it wasn't appropriate for my dad to keep me overnight until I was I think 4, it isn't necessary for anyone else to be "alone" with your child.

I would also suspect there is a reason -whatever it is- that she doesn't like going places with them. I am not saying they are abusing her or anything. But something is making her uncomfortable and that needs to be addressed AND respected. It could be something as simple as they encourage her to do things that she knows are wrong. For example if you don't let her drink pop and they are constantly trying to encourage her to drink pop to "spoil" her. That could be enough to make her very uncomfortable. Also if she doesn't want pop, pop isn't "spoiling" now is it. But some people are just weird. My mom's best friend used to sneak me off to the bakery all the time and all I every wanted was a bagel with cream cheese -no matter how many cookies she would point out.

I don't know what kind of language skills your daughter has but see if you can get to the bottom of it. However I really believe that ONE SUPERVISED visit a week is more than enough for any grandparent. My grandma comes visit about once a week, but she also helps out when she is over. And my MIL and her mom come once a week for about 15-20 minutes on their way to their weekly shopping outing. That's it. My mom drops by maybe twice a month. And my dad we see about 4 times a year.

You are the mom, you do what is right for YOU and YOUR CHILD. And no one else. NO ONE ELSE! I am serious. If your child were begging to go and you were being over protective that might be a little different. But that isn't the case.

You need to decide what is right -for now. Then you need to discuss it with your husband (preferably in person) and tell him he needs to be on your side.

Answer 3

Luckily she should outgrow this in a year or two. My son did the same thing for awhile and only wanted me and my husband. At this age they sometimes think that if Mommy is gone then she is gone for good. She thinks she might never see you again. I had my parents start coming over and playing with my son in the living room or his bedroom and I would go about doing my chores around the house and leaving the room but then coming back into site every so often. This way she knows that you are around and you will come back. They don't need to take her anywhere to spend time with her. The can play games, do craft or just have her show them her toys...right at home. Then try going a few places with her and the grandparents so she knows it is safe. In a few years she will be begging to go with them.

Answer 4

Oh dear, that's a rough spot.

On the one hand, the girl is clingy. But most little ones can't wait to go see Grandma and Grandpa.

On the other hand, they are pushy. Which makes me wonder if the girl isn't picking up on something with them.

It's a lot to ask of such a young person, but have you tried asking her why she doesn't want to go?

And meanwhile, the grandparents need to understand that there are limits to what they reasonably can ask for, and expect.

Answer 5

Grandparents should never push themselves on their grandchildren, as yours seem to be doing. Complaining to your husband isn't right. I would not force your daughter to go with them & they should be more understanding. Your daughter will be miserable if she goes with them & that's not fair to her. Someday, she will grow out of her "clingy" stage, but for now, they will have to accept seeing your daughter in your home. Like it or lump it. Did it ever occur to you that your daughter senses things about her grandparents & that is another reason she doesn't want to spend time with them? Children are very smart when it comes to adults. Don't let the grandparents be "pushy" as it will only make matters worse, all the way around. My inlaws were like that with my sons & I respected their feelings & didn't make them go with their grandparents unless they wanted to. My inlaws didn't like it but that's the way it was. Part of the problem was the harsh way my sons were spoken to when my husband & I weren't around. It came out later, the older my sons got. Kids know!!!

Answer 6

I think there is plenty of opportunity here for your daughter to spend time with the grandparents. If this is a situation that basically is about the grandparents (she's ok with other people) I would respect that.... for now. Perhaps with more visits with the full family, she'll come around.

Certainly 2-year-olds can be finicky. Hope this improves!

Answer 7

i have six kids DONT EVER MAKE THEN GO WITH SOMEBODY THEY DONT WANT TO. Children have an unusual way of comunicating she is trying to tell you she does not want to go with them. You are her mum and know her better than anybody. My son was abused by somebody very close who i would never of expected would of done that. I am not suggesting this is the case but hear what your daughter is saying please my son could not talk he was too young but on hind sight i should have recognised his body language and actions. Your daughter may just need time to grow and adjust and feel secure but she nees to know she can trust the most important person in her life. good luch

Answer 8

Have you asked her why?

Your parents need to be a little more sympathetic towards her feelings though...I remember not wanting to go to my grandparents when I was little because the ride there would make me travel sick and they didn't understand that I was scared of being sick...so I figured that the way to avoid my fear was to not go...and got yelled at and my feelings weren't important- I had to go.
Just ask for understanding from your parents, make sure your husband knows the truth and find our what you can from your little princess.

Answer 9

Whats more important are your daughters feelings why is she not happy to go with them whats really happening when they are together strange normally kids are content be with their grandparent's calmly talk with her and ask her to tell you why she feels that way she is afraid of being far from you possibly

Answer 10

If she doesn't want to go, she doesn't want to go. It could be something really simple but huge in a kid's mind. I had an uncle who had big ugly tattoos (nothing against tattoos, but these were faded and misfigured from age and weight loss/gain) and I was afraid that his "ugly crayon markings" were going to rub off on me if he touched me, so I was afraid of that uncle.

At age two, she probably doesn't have the words to tell you what is scary about grandma and grandpa's house/vehicle/whatever. I would be cautious any time she doesn't want to go though, because she could have a legitimate fear.