So I've been having all of these ridiculous dreams where I end up getting in full force screaming fights with my relatively new step-mother (2 yrs). The strange thing is that everything we fight about in my dreams is something that I truly have a problem with in real life. Examples may include blattant disrespect from my step-mother (we'll call her Jane) to people that I am extremely close to for no reason, spoiling her children to the extreme with my father's money, and calling me her "son" when she knows that I don't want her trying to fill in the place left by my deceased mother. There are many other little things, but eventually little things can make big piles. After all these dreams, I am confused about what direction I should go in. I feel uncomfortable approaching her to talk about it. I have told my dad, but unfortunetly he is too busy burying his nose in parenting books trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I've done the counseling thing... Didn't work. Advice?
2007-03-30 13:06:48 · 8 answers · asked by Richard S 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I should add a little.. I have tried to talk to my Dad about some of these issues. Rarely more than one at a time because I already know that his attention span is limited and it just starts making me sounds like a brat. Because I am uncomfortable talking to my step-mother, I ask for help from him, but his response is more often than not something along the lines of, "You need to change your attitude," or, "Give me a break..." I am exhausted from trying to get across to him. I have been trying for two years and nothing has come of it.
2007-03-30 13:27:58 · update #1
Sounds like she is in love with her meal ticket, your dad. She knows what she is doing and is a manipulator and user. When she calls you her son or introduces you that way very politely look sad and softly say "My mom died when I was 13". When she is rude to your friends apologize for her behavior (right in front of her). Talk to your dad again. Don't list your grievances against her. Just tell him you need his help and ask him what to do about X. Just one problem at a time though, not the whole list. For example: "I feel uncomfortable when she calls herself my mother. I feel like I am betraying the memory of my mother. What can I say to her to get her to stop doing that?" Another time, another day, ask him for his help again. Let him know that you know he loves her and you just want to get along with her and he most surely will want to help you with that.
Don't bad mouth her to your father. She is a pro at manipulating people and you are a novice.
I hope your dad has a will so she and her kids don't end up with everything in the event of another tragedy in your life.
2007-03-30 13:21:37 · answer #1 · answered by lcmcpa 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I am a step-mom.
From the beginning I treated my stepsons the same way I treated my bio sons. Between the steps and bios I had 5 sons and that is what I said to folks "I have 5 sons". If I bought one boy a truck I bought the other 4 a truck too. If one got candy they all got candy. I showed no favorism. When they needed a hug and a kiss...they got them. If they worked real hard to get a swat on the southend....they got one.
I showed my sons respect....I played on their level. We all played in the sandpiles....including Mom. I allowed them to express themself WITH respect that I am not their "buddy" I am their parent. I would be their FRIEND when they were grown....and that is just what happened.
All of my sons are in their 30's....and I am their friend and equal now. We now talke as friends should and do. We do not always agree and that is ok....but I am still MOM and I am still loved by them ALL.
Perhaps if you will show her the respect she deserves things might change around your home. Even if she does not show respect right now....IN TIME and with PATIENCE....it will change. Angry words and feelings solve NOTHING...they only FESTER like a cancer.
The fact that she WANTS to call you SON should be an honor for you. She isnt trying to replace your mother. Unfortunately your mom passed on and that is very difficult to deal with...but I am sure your dear mom would not be happy if she saw you being disrespectful to your stepmom. Your mom would want you to do your BEST and make her proud of you. You CAN do it....be a "son" to your stepmom.....the benefits are fantastic.
Everything in life is a matter of ATTITUDE. It is either positive or it is negative and it is WE who make the choice of which it will be in our life. Being positive really blesses our life...being negative drains our happiness.
Have a great life...from a blessed Step-Mom
2007-03-30 13:27:21 · answer #2 · answered by Catherine J. C 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Blending families is very difficult. I am a stepparent but have also been a stepchild. Keep in mind that your stepmother is probably having as many problems as you. It is even harder when the parent is deceased. She did make a mistake by calling you son but maybe she was trying to get close to you. My suggestion is to try family counseling. This is really the only way to move forward. Also give it time. It takes years for blended families to run smoothly. You sound very intelligent, I wish you and your family peace. Also remember your dads happiness, it is obvious that he cares or he wouldn't be reading parenting books.
2007-03-30 13:41:55 · answer #3 · answered by peach 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Step parent problems are so common and not at all unusual - it is not you, it is just the whole step-family situation is tricky at best. I have to think you haven't given the counseling enough of a chance. Tell your dad you'd like to see a therapist and commit yourself to seeing one until you feel these bad feelings have receded to you satisfaction. If it's not working out after, say, a year, change therapists - you can interview therapists just like you can interview doctors, lawyers and dentists - you don't have to pick one that is not working out for you!
2007-04-03 06:53:20 · answer #4 · answered by kathyw 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry to hear about your deceased mother, nobody can take her place. Try to deal with it the best way you can, I know this can not be easy for you. Maybe the nicer you are to her the less belligerent she will be with you, its hard to be mean to some that is nice to you.
2007-03-30 13:13:43 · answer #5 · answered by dakota_gal_1968 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Go your own way and let her know she may control your dad but not you.
2007-03-30 13:59:22 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'd say you should have a heart to heart with her. If you don't have a discussion with her, things won't change.
2007-03-30 13:11:48 · answer #7 · answered by tony1athome 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Just do you and wait till your 18 so you can move out....sorry if this doesn't work. : )
2007-03-30 14:20:35 · answer #8 · answered by princess123 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋