Non-Chrisians, How do you deal with devout christian parents?

Question

I know I couldnt be the only one in this situation, so I need advice. My mother is a devout Catholic, and I mean DEVOUT! Shes probably more strict and devout that 95% of average priests or nuns! Im not joking either...
I have struggled with faith all my life and as an adult have decided that I do not believe in any particular organized religion. I believe in a God and living an honest, moral life and thats it.
I am 24 years old and my mother has no idea that I feel this way. For all she knows, she thinks I go to church on sunday, read the bible and pray the rosary. It's killing me inside to keep living this lie to her and I am getting married soon and I know all of this is going to come out in the open because of the wedding etc.
I'd really like some advice from people who are in my same situation. How do you deal with a parent making you feel guilty for no longer following the religion they raised you be? How do you deal with their lectures and tirades about going to hell?

Answer 1

Oh, honey, I know how you feel. I am 28 yrs old, was raised Catholic and converted to a more liberal denomination when I was in college and my parents still have not forgiven me! (Ironic, isn't it, since Christians are supposed to be forgiving?!) Religious beliefs are so rooted in people that they probably will not ever be totally fine with it. You just need to prepare yourself for the inevitable backlash when they find out and be prepared to stand your ground, gently. (Don't get into screaming matches like I did, it only makes you look irrational!) When I was in my younger 20s it was harder to deal with b/c I still felt tied to my family and needed their approval. As I have gotten older, I find that their opinions matter less and less to me and I can even roll my eyes when they try to make me feel bad. I still love my family and get along with them, I just avoid topics that might spark a religious debate and keep things on the surface and everyone gets along fine. Your mom may say things once in a while to "remind" you that she is is in disagreement with you, and then you can just nod and say "I know that's how you feel about that." Repeat as necessary, but don't say anything else! She can't argue with someone when they are not willing to argue back. Another thing I remember is--when people draw circles around those who are "in," Jesus will always be standing with the people who are "out." Stay true to your beliefs and you will find your way. Good luck!!!

Answer 2

How do you deal with a parent making you feel guilty for no longer following the religion they raised you be? How do you deal with their lectures and tirades about going to hell?

I try to ignore it as much as humanly possible. It does wear at your soul though. I suggest trying to separate yourself as much as you can from the toxic folks in your life that's the only way you can keep your sanity in such a situation.

My situation was and is a little different, my mother was a Pagan and very accepting of different people's beliefs unfortunately she has passed away. My father on the other hand is a Catholic and sounds much like your mom as far as religion goes. Even though I am an Asatruar he is convinced I'm an Atheist because I don't worship his god. My Ex-husband (granted not a Christian but Muslim) believed that we could not have a life together on account of his converting to Islam and me refusing to do so. All my half siblings, cousins, and what not are Fundie Christians and needless to say I do not spend too much time around them, they all think I'm a Satanist and am Hellbound.

Answer 3

I guess I was lucky - at the age of 18 I stopped going to church even though I was still living at home. That didn't come as a shock since from the point I was able to speak I let it be known that I hated going to church and ccd.

Plus both my parents, in spite of being devout, were also nice people. Loving I mean. They didn't hate me for my feelings. I'm sure they just worried and hoped that one day I would come back to the church.

So I guess I have nothing helpful for you. Except to say - just be honest. You're an adult, and if you're made to feel guilty, it's because you're ALLOWING yourself to feel guilty.

Easier said than done, I know. It might be a bit rocky at first but you can get through it.

Answer 4

You're 24. You're an adult. Respect is a two-way street between adults. If your mother expects you to respect her religion, she needs to likewise respect your decision not to subscribe to organized religion.

I know it's not that simple, BTW. Religion makes people loose all sense of proportion, even of true decency and morality. Your mother cursing you to hell is a good example. I'm sure that's ironically why you had a falling away from Catholicism. Still, you can either be truthful with her and accept the consequences, or continue covering up your apostacy...lol. I wish you the best. I like to think that in most cases, actual human love is stronger than religious bigotry, no matter how ingrained the latter.

Answer 5

It only seems hard to find a solution. I was Catholic and married an Anglican girl and got married in her church. All my RC relatives who were invited attended and my Mom, who was a Novice Nun when she met my father, enjoyed the ceremony and the reception. everything went as if I had been married in my own church! I had been an altar boy and sang in the choir, and our old church is now a Basilica!
It was not as tough as I thought it was going to be !
If you explain to your parents that this is YOUR DAY and YOUR choice, just as when they made THEIR choice when they were youn,...it may do the trick! I recommend you sit and listen to what they have to say without any whining! They will be hurt, of course,...but if they love you, they will be big hearted enough to allow you to decide with your lover's choice of churches instead of your parents! They will be won over!! God Bless you for worrying!

Answer 6

Wow! I had the same type of Grandmother. Unfortunately I didn't get the chance to tell her my true feelings before she died. In fact I hid it all until she was gone. I don't think that was the right way for me to handle the situation, after all she did raise me and I know she would have loved me for the kind of person I was not for my religion. Don't be me. I even went through the classes with my first husband to be married in the Catholic church because my grandmother wanted me to. Tell your mother. If she is the Christian she claims to be she has no other choice then to except you for who you are. Please, please, please don't wait til it is too late. You will regret it if you do.

Answer 7

Good fix.

Anyway, you should not live a lie. If your beliefs are important to you, you should never hide them. What if you had a friend in a similar situation who was gay? You would probably tell them that coming out is the only option, rather than living a lie. The same applies. Be who you are. It is exactly religion's teaching that you should fight who you are that led me to abandon it.

Answer 8

You are 24 not 5. You act like an adult.

Mine were easy. I told them around 13 I didn't want to go to church and that was it. They never even asked why. They really don't want to know more, so that is the end of it.

Answer 9

Personally, I moved to New York.

Answer 10

Tell her that you are a lesbian and then after she calms down tell her you are not but that you are turning away from the Catholic Church.


She will be happy to know you are not a lesbian and it will soften the blow that you are not Catholic anymore