Have you ever attended a religious funeral for a nontheist friend whose family didn't honor his last wishes?

Question

Or attended a secular service for a friend you know wanted a religious funeral, but it was arranged by atheist family members?

How did that make you feel?

Paladin, Humanist and Unitarian Universalist.

When my best friend died, his parents ignored his last wishes for a secular service and paid for an elaborate religious service, since they were religious. It bothered me deeply that they had so little respect for him, but I decided that, since they were paying for the service, and since funerals are for the living and not the dead, it wasn't worth making a scene. I did mention that he was a nontheist when I went up to speak, though. His parents still won't talk to me because of that.

Answer 1

Yes, I have. My brother was an Atheist and the rest of my kin saw fit to give him a Christian funeral, in spite of the fact he was quite adamant about not having such a funeral. He just wanted people to set around a fire and drink toasts to him he told me once. I was pissed off about this and after the funeral did a toast to my brother. (Couldn't bring beer into the chapel.)

Far worse, was my mother's funeral though, she was a Pagan and had wanted a Pagan funeral. Now my family did not respect this at all, they (mainly my one half-brother who is a preacher) used the funeral service as an opportunity to preach about how if you don't accept Jesus you will burn in Hell...like the dearly departed is. That really infuriated me to no end. I could not think of anything more rude that someone could do at a funeral than to preach about how the person who died is in hell! I couldn't let it stand so, I went up there to speak and followed her wishes by then doing a Pagan prayer. This so upset some of the fundies there that one of them spit on me at the end...well I'm not one to turn the other cheek so I decked her.

I always believe no matter what religion or lack there of, the persons last wishes must be respected. It saddens and infuriates me that people don't do this and instead impose their beliefs on the person who has passed away, it's like one last insult, nail in the coffin if you will.

Answer 2

I've attended several funerals where I was certain that neither the dead person nor the family were believers. Why people then choose a church funeral is beyond me. Anyway, I would look at it as an opportunity to do good. Funeral services are really for those left behind, a final fair well.

Answer 3

No I have not been in that exact situation. However, I have been to many funerals where the decased's family was not that religious so they hired some unknown "Minister to administer the service. (Because it's the expected thing to do) These rent-a-preachers always go in to holy roller mode while delivering the elegy and talk of the great beyond and being at peace and how (Dead person) is now in the tender arms of baby jesus.... (Especially here in the South) Yada yada yada...

But it's all rendered null and void when they have to look at note cards to remember the name of the person that died.
The person that they are burying. The person whose family is paying to hear this drivel.....

I detest those kind of funerals and I have made it clear that it better not happen when I go or I'll haunt the **** out of everyone...

Answer 4

Yes, I've been to services where the deceased was a definite non-believer, yet the funeral had the hymns, the preacher, the whole nine yards.

It's all because the family needs that. But when it comes down to it, so what? It's not like the dead relative is looking down and saying "What are they thinking? How dare they!!"

He's dead. He no longer exists. He doesn't know what was said at his funeral, so, no harm done. The only ones affected are the other non-believers attending the service, who are forced to hear "Abide With Me" and listen to someone's pastor assuring us that our loved one is with Jesus now. But it's OK. We know better.

Answer 5

The closest I have come to this was with my grandmother. When she died they brought in the same folks who did her husband's funeral and it was all wrong, in my opinion. I was very angry - largely because I realized that it happened because no one took the time to discuss it with her. Nobody ever asked her what she believed or what she wanted.

Of course, she didn't make it too clear either, I guess. Later when I thought about it, I guess I didn't either - I just assumed that she believed as I did, which is a big assumption, really. When a death occurs, too often people really just have no idea what to do and it is very easy to just use the same stuff they used last time than to use their brains, which are often too cluttered with grief.

Peace!

Answer 6

I've never encountered anything such as you described, but there is one instance that sticks with me. It has nothing to do with religion, just honoring last wishes.

A friend of mine committed suicide a quarter century ago. The night before he died, we took a drive out to the cemetery so that he could show me the plots that his family had just bought. He told me that if he or his sister died before the age of 21 (he was 17), they would receive their plot for free.

The ones the family had purchased were right up by the road. Rod was a nature lover and spent hours in the woods. He asked that I make him a promise. Should anything happen to him, he wanted buried next to the woods. He was adamant about this. In fact, his last words before we left the cemetery were, "Promise me you won't let them bury me by the road Amy. I want to be buried up by the woods."

I promised, and he was dead the next day.

His family refused to even listen to what I had to say, they wouldn't hear me out. Rod's buried down by the road and traffic that he always hated, far from the woods he so loved.

This leaves me feeling torn. While I wish his last request would have been honored, I understand his mother wanting to keep him near. At best, the situation was difficult with no easy solution.

Answer 7

I haven't but I think if I did, then I would linger after the "funeral" or have a separate time away from the "family" members and say a few words (alone or with others that understood their wishes) on behalf of the departed.

Answer 8

i have never lost a friend (as off yet)

but i believe, that i would respect the familys wishes, but after the funeral, ill give him/her the service they wanted.

even if its me sitting alone next to the grave reading the bible, or playing their fav music, or both aslong as their fav music wasnt marilyn manson...that would be odd haveing a song playing saying "and im not a slave off a god that doesnt exist" while reading verses from the bible...heh

Answer 9

Such a family manifests its self-interest and self-righteousness. A genuine love and respect would lead a family with integrity to honor the wishes of the dead member.

Answer 10

too many times to mention

religious families can be so selfish and hateful when it comes to things like this.

what a shame.

PS: i just read the second part. Good for you. I'm glad you were able to at least, make his thoughts/beliefs known so at least his last wishes were known to all, inspite of the family's stubborn anger and spite.