Should kids be allowed to go to funerals or viewings?

Question

Basically, at what age do you think kids should be allowed to see dead family members? I have a close family member with terminal cancer who will die within the next couple of months, if he last that long. My 4 and 10 year olds will most likely want to be involved with all the procedings. Should I take this time to explain the cycle of life to my 4 year old, or save that talk for another time. To make it more interesting, my family members who will be attending have strong split opinions on the subject. HELP!

Answer 1

Yes, IMHO. 4 is old enough to need some closure if it was a close family member. Don't push, but let your kids take the lead. Maybe go in from the back of the room, and wait there. Let the kid decide if he wants to see the body. Be prepared to leave if the kid gets upset, but honestly my little ones have always handled death far better than our older relatives. Frankly, I can't think of a better time for "the talk" with either kid than when death actually happens.

The 10 year old is old enough to make his./her own decision, I think. Let her know that if she wants to come to the wake or funeral, she should bring a book or something to pass the time, and don't push her to stand around with the grownups. Let her sit in the far corner and read if that's what she needs to do.

Basically, give them the opportunity to do what they need to do to say good-bye and understand that your loved one is not coming back, but don't force them into anything.

And please accept my sympathy for your loss. Remember to take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids. All those people asking you right now if there's anything they can do? Don't be shy - take them up on it. Maybe a sleepover at a cousin's house would help your kids and give you a free night to cry your eyes out and say good-bye yourself without worrying about scaring them.

Answer 2

First of all, you're the mother, so the fact that your family members have an opinion is somewhat irrelevant. You will make the decision that is best for everyone involved.

The age at which children should be allowed to attend visitations/funerals really depends upon the child. Ideally, the child should be old enough/mature enough to understand your family's beliefs on death and dying - whatever those might be - and not be overly frightened. Some kids grasp these types of concepts sooner than others.

The other consideration is whether or not your child is old enough to sit still and quiet for the length of the service - even though the other people around him/her might be very upset and emotional. A funeral service is not the time or place for misbehavior. Children can either be a terrifically comforting presence at a funeral, or they can be hugely disruptive. The other mourners will appreciate your child if he/she is the former, and will be greatly upset if he/she is the latter.

One thing I would encourage you to do is to be sure and talk about the process with your children as it occurs, rather than waiting until the family member actually dies and they have to absorb that information in a very short period of time. Particularly the ten year old, if he/she is close to the person who is ill, might want the opportunity to say goodbye before someone passes away. And remember - there are many stages to grief - anger being one of them - so be prepared for your child to react in ways which you might not expect.

Good luck to you, and my condolences on your situation.

Answer 3

Yes, now is the time to start talking with both of the kids about death. They will both probably have questions, but not necessarily right away. This gives all of you time to start coming to terms with it.

As for taking the kids to the funeral home, that really depends on the individual child. My daughter was 7 when my uncle died, and she was at all of the visitations and the funeral. I spent days going over the details of what she would see, and what kind of behaviour was expected from her. I also let her decide if she wanted to view the body. At the very last viewing, she saw me reach out and pat my uncle's hands, and she did the same thing. She had been curious, but needed that 'permission' from me in order to touch the body.

Just recently, at another family funeral, someone showed up with three kids, 9, 7, and 4. They ran around the funeral home tossing a mini football, and were very disruptive. No one was supervising them, and they really should have been left at home.

Since this is a very close relative to you, you may want to consider hiring a sitter to come with you to the visitations. This way, the kids can come, and if it gets too much for them, the sitter can take them out for a walk or something. That takes the pressure off you, and limits the amount of grumbling by the rest of the family.

My deepest sympathies on your upcoming loss.

Answer 4

Hi,
I have a 7 year old, a 5 year old and a 1 year old and I have never sheltered them from this type of thing. I began taking my 5 and 7 year olds to funerals/viewings from the time they were babies. I truly feel that it has helped them to understand, at least a little bit, about death. I, personally, feel that sheltering them from this type of thing only causes them to be scared of dead people/funerals/etc. I remember being taken to the funeral home for the first time when I was 9 years old and being a little afraid because i had never experienced anything like that before. I guess it all depends also on how many people have passed in your life, whether or not you have had the opportunity to take your children previously. We, unfortunately, have experienced a lot of deaths since my children were babies.
If you do take them, keep in mind that they will get bored if you are there for an extended amount of time. You will want to take some activities for them to do quietly (coloring, books, etc). Most funeral homes accomodate children well and are prepared for them to be present. Most of them also have a separate room that family/children are allowed to hang out in if they are there for extended times. Snacks are usually allowed in there also.
Personally, I feel that sheltering your children from the circle of life does more harm than letting them experience it. It's something that they will have to face someday anyway and children handle the unknown MUCH better than adults do. :)
Hope I've helped!

Answer 5

I don't think I would take the 4 yo. If I took the 10 yo I would not want them to see the body - that can be unnerving even for an adult. I can remember seeing the bodies of dead relatives when I was about that age and it was extremely upsetting to me. I did better with that when I was a teenager, though. It would also depend on what the funeral was going to be like - if people were going to be extremely upset and crying loudly, then I probably would not take the 10 yo. But this is a very individual decision and is up to you.

Answer 6

I think your 10-year-old can handle it. The 4-year-old, maybe or maybe not; at this age it all depends on the child, and only you know your child well enough to figure it out.

My daughter was 3 1/2 when we lost my grandfather, who was like my dad. He was in the hospital for 2 weeks before he died, and she visited him there 3 or 4 times. Luckily, she had been exposed to the death of a pet not too long before, so she had the whole heaven concept down to a point. But when my grandfather passed, I felt that even though she understood where he was, the sight of his body in the casket might confuse her, so I did not take her to the funeral or cemetary. Shortly thereafter, she lost a helium balloon in a parking lot, and I told her it was flying up to him and the dog in heaven. To this day, (she's almost 6 now) she will let balloons go like that on purpose and say they are going up to them.

Fast forward almost two years later. I go to the same hospital to drop off some legal documents to a client, not really thinking about where I'm going until I get off the elevator, turn, and realize I'm on the same hall where he died. My daughter was with me, and she completely lost her mind and refused to go down the hall. I looked down the hall, thinking there must be some scary-looking equipment in the hall or something, but it was empty. This was such uncharacteristic behavior for her, but I was in a hurry, so it didn't hit me until two days later what was happening.

I don't claim to know what the episode was all about, but I thought it might give you some perspective.

Answer 7

talk to both of them about you family member who is dying and explain to them that there will be a wake and funeral. ask them how they feel about going. if you don't explain anything to your son he will not understand seeing people upset and crying. he will probably ask questions anyway. when you go maybe have your 4 yr old sit in the back of the room with other family members while you go and pay your respects. ask him if he want to go to the casket. if he is too scared, he can do it from the back of the room. ive done that with my 2 young ones when i had no sitter and needed to be there. they sat in the back or the other room of the funeral parlor with coloring books or something to keep them quiet and occupied. i wouldn't hide it from either child, but i wouldn't force it either. death is hard no matter what age, but it is a part of life that everyone has to deal with at some point. the 4 year old may not understand now, but maybe in a few years will ask where the person is or why he wasnt allow to say good-bye. there are good points to both sides, but i wouldn't hide it. talk it over with your spouse and both children then come up with your decision. you may be surprised at how much the 4 year old already knows.

Answer 8

I am reminded of the scene from "Indian in the Cupboard" where an Indian dies, and Omri (the 10-year old protagonist) acts afraid and doesn't know what to do. Littlefoot (a shrunk-but-adult Indian) asks him, "Don't you have dead people here [sic]?" And Omri says, "Of course we have them, we just don't see them." And Littlefoot exclaims, "How can you not SEE them?!"
I think this scene was a reflection on our own society that tries to hide death from children. My daughter is 4 years old, and I have taken every opportunity to teach her about death. Sometimes, when we see roadkill on the road that is in reasonable condition (just looks "asleep" - isn't gory or anything) I will pull over and take my daughter out and let her take a good look at it. I have done that with a dead skunk, deer and a bird. She now understands what "dead" means. She also understands why people cry when someone dies. My husband doesn't think I should expose her to death, but I think it is good, because she is eventually going to run into it, and it's better for her to be prepared now. As long as she is capable of understanding, why should we withhold unpleasant information from her? It's part of growing up.

Answer 9

I think your 10 year old is old enough to go to and particpate in the funeral, your four year old is a bit young. I dont thnk they would understand what was going on. I would take the 4 year old to a night of visitation and use that to explain that such and such is no longer with us and they are with God now (or whatever you belive in)
In my family young children, under the age of 10, do not attend funerals and viewings. We consider it inappropriate and can be a bit distracting for adults trying to say good bye to thier loved ones. But i can also see how a child can be comforting to a greiving adult. Ultimatly the choice is yours in this matter. If you feel your children arent ready to face this part of life then find someone to stay at home with them. Good Luck and God Bless

Answer 10

I was 4 when my dad past away from cancer and I was there and understood kind of what was going on. I think your 4 year old should understand. My son is 2 and one of his little friends great grandmom passed away about a month ago. They didnt take her to the funeral because it would be hard to handle a 2 year old, but they explained that great grandmom was in heaven with Jesus and Great Grandpa and she was an angel now looking over us and keeping us safe. She understands that. There are certain things that a young child will understand and certain things they wont depends on how they are explained. But I think the speech given to the 2 year old would also work for your 4 year old very well. Best of luck to you and your family. I will keep you in my prayers.