Am I a bad son?

Question

My parents are divorced, I have never met my real dad(he's in another country) and I've lived with my mom and step-dad for 10 years (I'm19). First time I ever received a letter from my real dad was when I was 10, so we talked and then we lost contact for like 8 years.Recently, he's been trying to get in contact with me and started sending me e-mails and pictures, we havent talkedon the phone yet nor have I replied to any of his letters. I'm not very enthusiastic when it comes to talking to him, its like I dont care kinda thing. I dont hate him or hold resentment for him, I just dont think we have anything in common to talk about. Well, my mom has been pushing me to call him and reply to his letters. All of this kinda made me feel bad for him, do you think I'm being evil by not replying to him?

Answer 1

I don't think that makes you evil, he should have contacted you before you were 10 and made more of an effort to be in your life. Only you know what'll work and what's best for you so just don't whatever you feel is right.

Answer 2

Hi luv,

No, you are not a bad son!!!

I had a very similar long-distance dad! In fact the ages are about the same. I was 10 when he left and 18 when he made contact. Like you, I wasn't too ready to become "best buddies". I didn't feel much, maybe a little anger. He was just a stranger, that's all.

We were world's apart in our lifestyle/thinking. I wished him well and didn't see him again for ten more years! We were friendly enough, I guess. I mostly felt sorry for this 'lost old man'.

When he died, I didn't go to his funeral. I lived far away and thought "Why bother...I don't know this man". I've been told by family members that I look like him, act a lot like him...that's weird. It's 'the gene' thing I guess.

I don't think I was bad and I don't think you are bad. I think two people get married, have sex (barely knowing one another, sometimes) a baby is born, and then they split! It's not really a fault finding thing. People are way too young when they make life-altering decisions. Children are their victims!

Your dad may be hungering for 'family' for the son he does not know. He too, probably feels "bad" for not being there while you have grown up. It's possible he's a really nice guy (much like you), but has made some mistakes. It happens.

You might want to meet him, talk to him....adult to adult...who knows, you might like him!!

Answer 3

No this is not evil or bad!Really what does your mother ecpect?She doesn't have the right to push you into anything regarding this issue! If you want to pursue it that is up to you-don't feel bad for the guy either cuz where was he all your life?I am 21 and have never met my real father either i lived with my mother and step-father from the age of 4 up until they both passed away 9 mos ago and you know now that i am older people want me to contact him and stuff b/c my step-father and mother are gone now but i mean really your right what is this going to do for me?IT's like a complete stranger one day deciding to want all this love and attention and a relationship.But this doesn't work for me either i also don't hate the guy but don't feel like i want anything from him at all!So no you are not the only one who feels this way lots of kids go through this right into there adult lifes so it is completely up to you and remember you don't owe him anything just because he is your biological dad doesn't mean he deserves to know you and can pick and choose when it's convieneint for him to come into your life.So be honest with both your mother and father about it and when you want more-a relationship with him if ever that's up to you and no-one should make you feel pressured or forced into this it will only make it that much more uncomfortable and hard for you if you don't truly want it.Good luck though and please don't feel bad he is the one who chose to not be involved along time ago when he should have been so now it's on your shoulders to decide not his or anyone elses.

Answer 4

You are not bad. I went thru this w/my dad. My suggestion is that you should only take on what you can handle. Don't shut him out, but take the relationship for what it is. If you expect a close relationship, you will be probably disappointed. If you accept that it is an intermittent thing, then respond. A dad is someone who was there on your birthday, your first heartbreak, graduation, the special moments. A father is the legal term for the male participation of pregnancy. Only you can figure out what you want to do. You never know why he trying to contact you unless you respond, and you never know what you will gain. You may have more in common as a 19 yr old than as a 10 yr old. You are also in a better place to accept the reality of who your dad is. We never know why our fathers (parents) chose to leave, and it is really none of our business. We know who our parents are because of the memories we have, and who we call when we hurt. As a parent there are things in my marriage that my children don't know about, it isn't their business. Just be careful before you shut someone out completely. Use caution, restraint, and the love of your parents (mom & step dad) to support you thru this.

Answer 5

OK, here is a question to ask yourself:

If I don't get in touch with my Dad now, or in the near future, will I regret it?

This is the "life" question on any sort of deli ma and I still use it. Talking to your father is something you should do. Who knows what life has in store for you or your dad? One of you could be gone tomorrow? Then what? You live your life wishing...I should have, I could have , I didn't. It's just not worth withholding your feelings and you might be losing a contact that could change your life. You don't have to be all "gaa-gaa" over him, just keep it simple. He's trying to right a wrong. If you don't forgive him and meet your Dad while you can, you're only hurting yourself.

Godloveya.....;)

Answer 6

I guarentee you are not a bad son. Your father lives with you. Your biological father does not. There is a difference. Divorce is the largest disease out there inecting families. It's a cancer that infects everything it touches. Do not let it affect yours. Your biological father can come to you as a person not as a parent, unless he has information about physical conditions that might affect your life in the future. Even then the relationship would have to grow as a frendship if you want it to not as a parental relationship. I do not know who has the guilt regarding the divorce, but they are the ones that have to make the resolve not you. Buck up your not wrong!

Answer 7

No your not a bad son. You are talking to someone who you don't really know and so you don't have anything in common because of that.But still strive to giving your Dad a chance because your bond may be broken now but if you keep trying to get to know him better than you might be able to start the friendship you never had.But, I don't think you're a bad son at all.

Answer 8

I don't think you are being a bad son. From my perspective it seems as though you are hurt mentally my you biological dad's actions without even being able to realize that. Its understandable that you don't feel a connection to him, but don't you think it'll be best for you and you father, the biological one that is, if you tried to reply to his messages. Sure you are as excited as he is to do this, but if you don't attempt to build a relationship with him now, you might end up regretting it in your future, and by then it may be too late. You are hurt probably because he missed the small things that mean a lot to you from your childhood, he missed making memories with you, but remember its never too late to try something new. So think about it, perhaps you should try to get to know your father better to a deeper level.

Answer 9

you have the right to do what you feel is comfortable for you. but, you do have an unresolved problem. you don't know why he lost contact with you at 10. eight years went by, and you don't know why. now he comes back into your life, aren't you curious to find out what happened all those years and why now he is contacting you. if this isn't a problem to you, you don't have to do anything, but, if you want to bring closure or a new beginning to a relationship, then, you should reply to him. but, do this for you, and only you. you are not a bad son. you do have choices, and the choice is yours. good luck in what you decide.

Answer 10

No it is not that you are evil, but if you can manage, please do respond if you can. even if to say you really don't know what to say to him, or that you think you have nothing in common. It can feel quite cruel not to receive a reaction, so if you can find it in your heart, send him a brief message at least. there is so much bad things in the world that I just wish for something good I guess,... it always remains your choice. If you do not want to respond, then don't, but ask yourself if you might later regret it. you may make contact now... but you can always decide to break it again.... could you not? :)