My 7 year old son wants to live with his father, what should I do?

Question

My son who I have custody of, and his father lives 4 hours away. My son wants to live with his daddy and asks and asks and asks all the time.

I am the disiplinary and he has rules here. His father he sees once every 3 weeks for just a weekend and has a ton of fun there. But at his fathers he has a lot of friends he can play with. Where I live, there is no kids his age to play with. He doesn't like his school and argues with me a lot.

My son told me at his fathers house, he doesn't have to bush his teeth everyday, he doesn't have to floss, he doesn't have to take vitimans. And his father has a strict eating rule. My growing son can only eat at scheduled times and if he doesn't or if he doesn't like what he has to eat, he just won't eat. His father won't give him any food if he doesn't eat. He can not eat if it's after 6pm. Only at the schedule times.

I think him being 7 he should stay with me until at least 12 years old. I don't think he'll be cared physically.

Answer 1

For little boys, and many big boys, life is a party. That is a common complaint for divorcees that the non-custodial parent acts like Santa Clause. You are the real parent. Keep your child with you until the other guy grows up and decides to take his role seriously. Your son will grow up much more stable and respectful with boundaries. Don't let the child rule - of course he wants the party life, but power over big decsions in his life will only make him less secure. Try to find him some friends and let them spend time at your place. He could be lonely. Plan simple things with the other boys and take photos, blow them up, and frame them. Nothing fancy though. You will make memories for him that he will appreciate, and you can keep your rules and your son.

Answer 2

Here's a different opinion from a father's point of view: Studies conclusively show that fathers matter to the development of a child, on EVERY level. The more your sons father is involved, the better it will be for all of you. Now I'll grant you the fact that his father probably won't win any awards for "Father of the Year", but that does not change the fact that his father can have a significant impact in your sons life.

You mentioned that at his fathers, your son will have eating issues, will not have to brush his teeth, etc... Let's face facts-- Do you really think that your son, afte, say, a month of being at his fathers place; will come back a skeleton with rotting teeth?!

What I would do is this: Talk to his father and ask if he would be willing to alternate weeks with his son. If so, then tell your son how even though the courts will not value his opinion until he is 12 or so, that you DO value his opinion. Tell him that you asked his father if he would alternate weeks with you. If his father is really as irresponsible as you feel he is, then you will have nothing to worry about-- your son is only 7 and ANY 7 year old will need to be taken care of. It is my prediction that if his father does not take care of him, your son will be back to you within a month-- along with a new found appreciation for you.

Answer 3

I am going through somewhat of the same issue right now except my daughter is 8 and her dad has her 6 days for every 8 days I do. My house is the house she has discipline in, has to do her homework, has to keep her room clean, and has to be responsible. My ex helps her with everything and treats her like a princess.

I am sticking to my guns. Although it seems like your son is having a hard time right now, if this went before a judge they would rule to keep the son with you. Talk to your ex if you can and let him explain that the rules would be enforced if he lived there. And if they wouldn't he wouldn't be living there. Too many kids have no boundaries because they are children of divorce that think they can just bounce to the more leniant parent when things are not great at the other parents house.

I will watch this question though because obviously it has been waying on me as well. Hope things work for you.

I would also see if your son can find some friends around you. If he lives there fulltime then there may be another issue with a bully or something that is causing him to want to run...

Answer 4

You are absolutely right which is probably why you have custody. I too have custody of my child and have the exact same type of set-up - one place has rules (ours) and the other is just fun and games with his big child-friend (his father). He is confused by the rules/no rules and of course thinks he wants the fun-house, but deep down, he knows he needs rules and wants the boundaries. If you are concerned about him being taken care of and for his safety, you must keep him with you. Sometimes little (very visible) gestures can go a long way - why don't you call his father when he is with you and say "you know, _____ really misses you. How about you spend a little extra time with him - maybe this or next weekend (if it isn't his normal time)?". Your son will be happy that you are "on his side", if it's not possible you won't look like the bad-guy, and he will feel that he has more options. This might be all about options. If he asks you again about living with his father, tell him that you would just miss him way too much and need him to stay with you, but you will work with him if he wants to spend more time with his dad.

Answer 5

You're absolutely right. I wouldn't let my child go somewhere if I didn't know they were being cared for pyisically. And not only that, you didn't mention that dad is trying to get custody or anything, who's to say that he even wants to be a full time parent?
I know children can be really difficult when they want something badly. Just don't let this one be any different than the latest toy or game system you had to put your foot down about. He will respect your decision one day when he is older and can understand the circumstances better.
But would it hurt to play the nice guy a little bit? Giving him a little leniance or some fun days just the two of you could make him want to leave less. It sounds like thats all he wants is to get away with more.
And even though there aren't any other kids where you live, don't you think it would be worth it for you to take a drive to bring him to a friends house for the night? Or you could host regular slumber parties for him at your house with 1 or 2 friends over.
Anyways, I just think there are a lot of proactive things you can do that will make your son forget all about the fact that he wanted to go live with his dad. You can be a fun mom and still be a disciplinarian at the same time. It's just a matter of having a good balance of respect to go with the fun stuff, like having him earn his fun outings and toys by doing chores and helping you out around the house. Not to mention that builds a great work ethic for him down the road when he gets his first job.

Answer 6

Wow - I'll probably be in your shoes in six or seven years, and I've put a bit of thought into how I'd handle this.

What it comes down to is "No." You have custody - if you have sole custody, the courts thought (or the dad thought) that you were the better equipped parent. Sometimes being a parent means enforcing things your child might not like very much, but are best for him. At seven, he is not old enough to be calling the shots on where he lives. "I'm sorry, that's just not an option right now. You and I are a team, we live together."

However, there are some things you could do to ease this.

Talk to his dad, find out from him what the scenario is, it could be that your son is just saying he doesn't have to brush his teeth. Let the dad know that consistency in rules and behavior is important in raising a child, and that you expect him to be on board, to work with you -- note, this might mean you have to be flexible in some areas, but you are the custodial parent and do get to make the big decisions about day-to-day care.

Talk to your son, find out what would make his life with you happier. Are there after-school things he could do that would increase his friend-group? Scouts/cubs, martial arts, sports, anythign to get him interacting with local kids.

About the eating rule ... that sounds much like how I grew up. He'll be fine, and if it were a regular rule he'd learn to eat what he's given. But perhaps suggest that healthy snacks (fruit, for instance) be available for between-meal hunger emergencies.

I hope that helps!

Answer 7

You are right on Mom...he should definitely be with you until he's at least 12, if not later...He is too young to grasp the differences in child rearing with you and your ex...but its important routine and structure be implemented in his young little life! Not having anyone to play with is a pretty serious thing though, as well as not liking school - you need to get to the bottom of the latter matter. Find out what's going on and get the teacher's perspective.

Perhaps if you joined a church group or some group where there are children, scouts, whatever, he would develop some friends?
You need to do more in this area to help him.

Grace

Answer 8

I think your son should stay with you, he would appreciate it if he were older because not being able to eat after 6 is crazy... what if he had like a soccer game that didnt get over till 8? can he not eat? sounds like he just wants to have fun at his daddy's... I would suggest maybe letting him spend more time when his dad like instead of once every three weeks, make it more frequent.. who knows your son may not like it over there as much as he thinks.. 4 hours is rough but not if you two agree to drive in the middle.. i think it would be a lot better if he got to see his dad as often as he sees you, maybe he just likes the enviornment change... and as far as no kids to play with.. well at 7 there are lots of activities he can do.. put him on a rec soccer team, or a little league baseball team!! he can even do wrestling at 7.. just anything that gets him involved with other kids so he has structure in both places.. take him to the zoo, to water parks, kids love these kinds of things.. you can do those activities just the two of you and bond with him.. even the aquarium... I was a camp counsler and we did things like this with the kids!!!

Answer 9

We have the same problem with my husband's nephews. We've had custody of them for 4 years now. They're 7 and 9 years old. They love going on visits with their mom and often talk about living with her. Like you said, it's all fun and games, no rules, they can do whatever they want.

We just explained to them that it wouldn't be like that every day. She promises the boys a big farm with horses when they come live with her. She promises them 4-wheelers and motorcycles. One day I asked them, "Does she have those things for you now?" . They said no. So I asked, "What makes you think you'll have them if you live with her?". I think after that they realized that she's all talk.

Your son is getting old enough for you to explain to him why he should live with you. Take the time to spend with your son. Find a park on the weekend, there will be kids his age there. Invite a friend home from school. Find out why he doesn't like his school. Maybe it's something you can change. When he wants to arugue...walk away. Tell him that you will talk to him, but that you won't argue.

You have the ability to change things and make him happier at home. If you want him to be happy there then you have to do something about it.

Answer 10

He is using the "live with daddy" routine to manipulate you. If your ex is egging him on, then you have a double whammy! I think you should keep the kid based on your information. What you really need is some support from your ex so the kid knows that living with his dad is not in the mix. His dad needs to talk to him about it, so the kid understands from both parents what his options are-and aren't. Too bad you live so far apart. It sounds like your son could use a little more time with his dad.