How can I politely (and effectively) ask my parents to let ME raise my daughter the way I want?

Question

I recently moved back in with my parents with my five-month-old daughter. My daughter has become very clingy lately and whenever I put her down so I can do something, she screams. I don't want to spoil her, so I let her cry for a few minutes until she calms down. My mother or father will come in and say, "Oh, she's crying... pick her up!"

I try to explain to them that I don't want to spoil her and have to carry her around everywhere I go, but they disregard everything I say. How can I politely and effectively ask them to let ME raise my daughter the way I want without hurting their feelings or making them think I'm being disrespectful?

Answer 1

You are doing the right thing! Do not pick up a crying kid. You just teach them that screaming like a brat gets you what you want. When I was little my mother would wait til I calmed down and then she'd say "Are you finished? Do you think you can behave and just say what you want instead of being naughty?" It didn't take me long to give up the crying and behave better.
Just tell your parents that you value their advice, but that you will ultimately decide how it's carried out.

Answer 2

I went though the same thing with my daughter when I lived with my parents! I tried to talk to them politely and not step on there toe's but it didn't work. I ended up having to just come out and tell them that she's my daughter and I'll raise her the way I want. After that they finally stopped trying to tell me how to do every thing.

And your right you don't want to spoil her. I know someone on here said you can't spoil a 5 month old but their wrong! I've seen plenty of spoiled babies. As long as you know that she's not hungry or in need of a change then it's not gonna hurt her to sit there and cry for a few min. Good luck with your parent's I know how hard it is!

Answer 3

You've got a problem. Grandparents want to spoil their grandchildren, where they were raising their children to be responsible adults. That's not how they are thinking anymore. You need to gently and FIRMLY let them know that this is your daughter, their granddaughter, and that you're decisions regarding how she is raised are mandatory. It's unfortunate you have to live with them. It makes it difficult on everyone. If they only saw her once a week, their spoiling wouldn't cause a problem. It would just be "grand parenting". Because they are with her every day, they must abide by your wishes. You love your daughter more than anyone, even the g-parents. You are her mother. I realize they probably love her very much. But they must work at respecting that YOU are her mother and THEY are the grandparents. They come second to you in decision making.

Answer 4

Well, there probably is not an easy way to do this and chances are someones feelings are going to get hurt. You have to start off by telling your parents that you think the did a great job in raising you, but how will you ever have the same satisfaction if they don't let you be a parent to your child. Tell them, that you respect what they say but you need to raise your daughter they way you feel is most beneficial to her. Tell them, if there ever comes I time when they feel your parenting skills need a little adjustment- they are free to politely tell you so but never in front of your daughter. Tell them again, you feel they did a great job with you; therefore, you will do a great job with her. Don't forget to mention how much you appreciate their help and support. Whatever you decide to tell you parents, remember to be tactful and don't lose your cool! Good Luck! :)

Answer 5

i would just sit them down and tell them that they were allowed to raise you the way they wanted to so you should be able to also. see what they say. if they still wont let you have your own parenting style then i would try to find my own place. spoiling your child can be very bad. so you need to think about your daughters future. i know that it is easier to live with your parents but this is the time when everything that happens to your child will shape them to become either a good child or a child with a lot of problems.

Answer 6

good luck , i went through the same thing and yes a 5 month old can be spoiled. the trouble with some grandparents they think its cute to spoil the children, but what happens when their gone and the parents can't afford to give the child everything? I have 5 grandchildren now and believe me I do not give them everything,IF THEIR PARENTS SAY NO,ITS NO

Answer 7

I dont agree with the your under their roof if that were true I would be able to tell my mom not to spoil her grandkids in my house. Have a "family"meeting sit down and lay out the ground rules be firm and fair you can do more than just pick her up for example
"mom and dad next time she is crying let her sort it out on her own if she is still cring after 10 minutes then by all means pick her up and soothe her"
and
tell them you are doing thier best tell them to look at you apparently they did something right let me make my mistakes. She isn't going to be tramatized by crying for 10 minutes. I used to rush in and grab my daughter when I ladi her down for a nap and she would cry my mom got fed up with it and put her foot dwn and made me sit on the sofa while she was in bed screaming (it was hard) and we set the timer for 10 minutes after five she stopped I was scared but when I looked in her room she was asleep in her bed after that when I laid or put her down she would whine but the screaming stopped it was so awesome because it saved me from being a nervous wreck.

Answer 8

The thing that works best for me and my mom is for me to remind her that I know what is best for my own son. When I see her spoiling him I tell her that she is only hurting him by doing that...she is teaching him that bad behavior deserves a reward, and that is not what we want to teach him (by the way, he's older, I'm not saying your 5 month old is behaving badly). BUT, I do believe that you can solve this if you can help you parents realize that they are doing more harm than good for your little one. Good luck. And by the way, just because you are living under their roof does not have anything to do with the way you raise YOUR baby. You are the mom...and you have the final say, I don't care who's roof you are living under.

Answer 9

Just tell them that although u appreciate them letting u stay there, u feel that u need to raise her how u want and they are intruding on that. tell them also that if u want their input on something that u will ask them but in the mean time to just keep their distance and concentrate on being grandparents. Also tell them that by not picking her up all the time u are trying to teach her independance. My parents were the exact opposite, where they wouldnt do anything for my son when i lived with them and they also told me not to pick him up everytime he cries as he will expect it all the time and it is a hard habit to break them of.

Answer 10

I've been in that situation, only that my DD was already 18 months old at that point. But I know, how you feel.

Effectively, you can't do anything but moving out as soon as possible. Because your parents will continue with this as long as you live with them. I lived with my parents for 18 months back than, and though I told them over and over again, it didn't helped at all. They wouldn't allow me to discipline her at all (and I don't mean spanking, but short time-outs). Ironically, they were rather strict (including spanking!) with me, when I was a child...

They really spoiled her rotten back than and when I moved out with her to live with hubby, we had a hard time to teach her appropiate behavior and boundaries.

But my advice would be to move out before they degrade you to something like an older sister and take over the role of her parents. While a 5 month old doesn't need to be disciplined, think in a bigger picture - over a year, she will need to be disciplined gently and will need to learn first boundaries and it will be impossible to teach her those boundaries with your parents undermining your efforts.