How to deal with a difficult mom?

Question

Let me start with a brief history. Growing up my mom could be affectionate and loving but also had a really nasty side too. She angered easily and when she did she was verbally abusive cursing and belittling my brother and I. Often she would tell you how things ought to be done and if you disagreed she would instill fear, such as well this or that may happen. I am now 39 and over the past 10 to 15 years my mom has stopped with the cursing at me, thanks to some self help and me telling her to stop. However, she still is judgemental and will say things such as your house is a mess will endlessly tell me over and over your kids are tired and they need to nap when she know I have tried numerous times to have them sleep. I do tell her I've tried etc etc but inside I'm burning up and her comments to me often escelate to an argument. I give her credit for some positive changes but I feel I still have to explain myself because she assumes and as mentioned will keep repeating herself.

Answer 1

sounds bad..but she is a person who isn't happy unless they can be negative about someone..my mother is 100 times worse..just ignore her and do what you want...or tell her if she doesn't stop mistreating you that you no longer wish to be around her...I did the latter...she says nothing now and says I love you to me..I don't think these women know how terrible they sound or how bad they hurt our feelings so we have to tell them and anyone else who hurts us.......

Answer 2

My son is 8yrs old. It almost feels as if he could've been asking this question. I too am affectionate, and although I don't belittle my son, I do yell a lot. Thats often my alternative to a spanking. Sometimes, I lose my patience when helping him with him homework and he cries. I feel so bad afterwards. It never really dawns on me that I'm hurting my son's feelings until he starts to cry. It's never my intention to hurt him. While I realize I'm not right, I recognize that I geniunely want whats best for my son. I just have an aggressive way of displaying it.

I assuming your mother isn't intentionally trying to hurt you, that she's just showing her version of love- tough love. Tough love is not abuse but it can be extreme and is can't be applied to all children. As a child, I'm sure having to deal with tough love is rough. You don't really have much choice but to accept it. I try to be more mindful of my son's feelings. I don't want him to grow up and resent me. When I was a kid, I got spanked alot. I wasn't at all abused. I always said that I would never treat my child that way. I guess being overly aggressive with a mild mannered child is just as bad.

If your mother is like this with everyone she knows, I would say that she had some control issues. Some people only control who they know they can. But then again, it can just be a case where your mother wants whats best for you guys. Here's the thing tho. As an adult, you have the power to tell her to stop. You have the power to see her often or as little or you like. You can call her rather than visiting. You can respectfully end the conversation, if you like. The difference between you now as a man versus before as a child is that you have confidence and can convey your thoughts better. You know how to respectfully say, 'mom mind your business'. There's nothing wrong with that. You have to show her that she did a great job in raising an independent thinking, free-spirited man who can make good decisions and exercise sound judgment concerning his family. You have children of your own now. If you don't develop the backbone to stand up to your mother, how can you expect your children to grow up mentally and emotionally capable of standing their ground in any situation?

Answer 3

You don't have to explain yourself.

Your mother seems to have control issues. This type of person usually has a very high anxiety level, and telling others what to do, being overly "helpful" is a way to relieve stress. (They don't know this, but it's how control freaks work).

My boyfriend WAS the same way and his mother still is.

They both use the words "YOU SHOULD" quite often. It's unnerving!

I have told them both that, while i appreciate advice when i ASK FOR SOME, I don't need it otherwise. I told them perhaps they could focus on their own lives, instead.

My boyfriend has since stopped "you should-ing" me... his mother hasn't really... but i remind her that i haven't asked for her advice. that seems to shut her up temporarily.

People like this are really annoying.

I'm sorry your mother was emotionally abusive. I lived with that too (my father). Have since severed the relationship. It's good your mother has stopped that practice.

I hope you will find a way to cope with this! take care, ok?

Answer 4

It sounds like something has happened in her life to make her soo bitter and harsh to everyone....especially those she loves. I applaud her and you for encouraging her to get some help..self help or otherwise...over the years! Unfortunately she may never completely get rid of all the bitterness....continue to encourage her and try to control and be aware of the way you react to her...I'm in no way saying you are doing anything wrong, but just let her know she gets to you! It's a habit...for her to do it...and for you to let it bug you! You might try limiting her visits for a little while....so that you and your family can get into a regular routine....it's possible the kids are hard to get down for naps..or cranky becuase of negative tension they pick up when they're around her! Once you all get into a routine, then limit Grandmaws visits...or go see her and stay for just a little while. If she shows up unexpectedly...enjoy your visit with her but tell her..Mom, we've got plans and have to head of here in an hour, but we can visit until then! Otherwise, just brush off her remarks! If she's at all willing to admit that she needs some additional self help, take her to a library or book store and get some books that will help both of you.

Answer 5

My mom is like that too. A lot of Moms are very critical of their daughters. I don't think they mean to be, they just don't have anything else better to do. Sometimes I think they could be a little jealous or sometimes it can come from the way their mother treated them. My mother's mom was a very controlling person. So the cycle continues until someone breaks it. I'm not like that with my children.

Answer 6

Your an adult....."You have the right to live your life as you choose, provided you don't infringe on the right of others to do the same and don't hurt anyone." (Time to explain = her time for raising you is over, she needs to stop telling you what to do, and allow you room to use what she taught you and show the job she did in raising you.) this is her problem not yours and you won't change her. Loving her doesn't mean you have to want her for your best friend. Without hurting her or being inconsiderate limit your
contact and let it all go over your head.

Answer 7

Let her know that you are grateful for her help but it's your turn to be a parent and if you need help or advise you will ask her. As a parent it is ultimately your decision on what happens to your child. I could understand her stepping in if you were putting her in harms way but this doesn't sound like that's what is happening.

Answer 8

I think some people are just like that and even though telling them may help some, sometimes you just have to accept people for who they are and if you love them you accept them even with thier many flaws. My mom was and still is like that and at times I can see some of that in myself with my children so I have to make that extra effort not to be that way with them, but I love my mom and I know she just wants whats best for me, she just doesnt know how to express it in the correct way.

Answer 9

You're mom has ingrained this in your mind since you were little. Kinda like brainwashing. You have to take control or this will go on forever.

Answer 10

If she thinks your house is a mess and your not talking care of your family she shouldn't come over!!!!!