How can I stop obsessing over my mom?

Question

I stopped talking to her over a year ago because she plays so many games with me and the rest of the family. She undermines my authority when it comes to my kids and she basically plays the victim so we feel obligated to take care of her. There are six of us kids and I'm the fifth child. She chose to live by me, which is 7 doors down from us. I let her know I wasn't going to play her games anymore and she told the other kids how aweful I am and so they all play with her and won't speak to me anymore. I have two sons, one who is 6 years old and has spent most of his life around her. I broke off that relationship when she slapped him in the face because he was being too wild. The other son who is 8 months old has never spent any time with her. She didn't acknowledge my oldest son's birthday a few days ago even though she lives a few doors down. Although not keeping in contact with her is good for me, I can't stop obsessing over her. What can I do?

Answer 1

It takes a long time to get over parental rejection, which is what you're experiencing. You wanted your mother to be a real mother to you, the type you saw your friends having, but she can't/won't be that.

This is hard, but what you need to do is to release your mother from the expectations you have of her. You still wish that she would be the mother you've always needed. I know this partly because it hurt you that she did not acknowledge your son's bday even though you haven't talked to her for a year...I also know this because I've seen it over and over in others, and experienced it myself. I'm sorry, but your mother is not capable of being what you need her to be, and she more than likely never will be. If you can release her from your expectations, then she will lose her ability to hurt you.

Answer 2

This is hard because she is your Mother but I can understand where you are coming from. Have you tried family counseling, just you and your Mom? A counselor will help you both place things into perspective so that you can understand eachother on a higher level. After a few months bring your siblings in as well as all the grandchildren so this way everyone can gently explain how her behavior effects them. She needs to know that there are bounderies in every relationship whether it be with a daughter, grandchild or a spouse and when those bounderies are crossed people get hurt and this is not okay! She had no right to smack your little boy and that needs to be addressed as well.
When someone is present who has the ability to mediate, everyone is able to have a turn in talking about how they feel and what hurts them and things can and will change if it's done in quiet enviroment with a professional.
When I hit my early 20's I had the worst problems with my mother, but My mentor told me that sometimes it is best to "Let Go and Let God" so I backed off and slowly came back with the rules that there was no yelling, accusations, or judging allowed. Today I am 27 yrs old and my Mother and I although we live 3,000 miles from eachother have a close, stable relationship that we can both cherish for years to come but we have this because we set those bounderies and we don't cross them.
I know it is hard right now but you can do this. Too many families spend too much time being angry over things that could have a more positve out come if the communication within the family was better. Please don't waist anymore time because your Mom wont be around forever and either will you. Find a Therapist so you and your Family can move on and be together the way they should be. I hope I have helped, Please hang in there!
God Bless you

Answer 3

I'm going to state the obvious... Find a new place to live in the area. Somewhere not as close, and try to keep your distance. Obviously your mother is still manipulating your life, and you're letting her, by staying there. Consider that she's manipulating you because she feels the need to control something, probably because she feels out of control in her own life.

Perhaps if you move into another neighborhood, but near your sons' schools, it would be easier on all of you, that way they won't have to transition into a new school and make new friends.

Answer 4

I've been through a very similar situation with my father - I've just moved across the world, partly to get away from his control freakery! It isn't actually necessary to do that, and in fact he carried on using email as his weapon, so putting physical distance between us didn't work as far as that goes.

I would agree with a previous answer - let go of your expectations for your mother. Not everyone who has children is a good parent and sadly, your mother obviously falls a long way short in this department. She has not been a satisfactory mother to you. Once you can accept this, and also accept that it is not your fault but hers (perhaps even her own parents' fault), you will feel a huge burden fall from your shoulders. You were quite right to stop playing her mind games - now go the rest of the distance and stop trying to make her into the mother you deserve, because it isn't going to happen.

Good luck!

Answer 5

Well this sounds like it goes both ways. I mean you are upset cuz she didn't acknowledge your oldest sons birthday, but you made it clear you cut ties with her. I guess i say you are goin to obsess over her and there is nothing you can do to get over it cuz she is your mom, and the only one that you have. Yes my mom has this tendency of underminding my authority with my kids also, and has smacked my son for being wild, but she is my mom.
Maybe this is the last thing you want to hear but maybe you need her. If your obsessing over her you need her. Make ammends with her. What happens if she were to pass away tomorrow? Make up with her you need her, and so do your kids.

Answer 6

i had the same relation ship with my mom and it's hard , i found that if i kept my kids from seeing her that help with my kids and their home life , but they missed out on the grandparents relation ship as we only had my side ,it's not easy to dislike your mom and it's not unhealthy, as for your kids she has NO right to hit them for any reason and as their mom you should have told her so, she should not under mind your authority you are the mom not her, if she chooses to abstain from a birthday party that is her choice , and you should tell her if she cannot treat all of your kids equally then don't come to any of your family b-day party's, now just take care of your family and move on , your mom will miss out on a lot and hope fully she will grow up, hope this helps some what

Answer 7

Maybe you could arrange to see her once a month even if it is just at a cafe' for one hour, just talk on non argumentative type topics like the weather or TV etc. I think that you are feeling sorry for your mother for not keeping contact with her. Her personality is probably very different from your own and I know myself that it is very hard to get along with someone who is so different from yourself, but if for that 1 hour a month you can just forget your differences and talk to her I think it would make you feel better. Also bring along her grandchildren, coz they deserve to be able to know their grandma. Communication is also very important so before you meet up with her discuss your expectations of how you want her to be. It may be her fault that you don't get along, but she still is your mother who gave birth to you. I think that it will make you feel much better to do this. I hope what I said helps you and I wish you and your mother all the best!
Regards
Ella B

Answer 8

Oh my gosh I'm going through the same thing right now...Such a tough one..It's hard when you grow up and want to live your own life because our moms feel like we don't need them anymore...At least that's what I think about mine...She tries to create problems so that I will need her to fix them..It's so frustrating...I like the advice about the expectations...I think i will use that as well...Good luck...

Answer 9

DEAR

NO MATTER WHAT SHE IS STILL YOUR MOTHER AND YOU ONLY HAVE ONE OK SO PRETTY PLEASE TRY MAKE UP FOR YOUR SAKE WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENED TO HER?

THEN YOU WOULD NEVER GET TO SAY YOU WAS SORRY IN THIS WORLD WE ARE TO RESPECT ARE ELDERS NO MATTER WHAT OK?

JUST SIT DOWN AND TALK AND IF YOU STILL FILL THE SAME WAY THEN BREAK IT OFF AT LEAST YOU CAN NOT SAY YOU DID NOT TRY TO WORK IT OUT OK
PS TALKING DOES NOT HURT ANY ONE OK

TAKE CARE

Answer 10

Ughh. That's a hard one. Even though you will probably hate it- you've GOT to try and talk to her about it. Maybe she and you can change your ways and act like a family again. Good luck and god bless!!! =)