are you funny?

Question

I need somebody to make me laugh. I'm having a bad day. My bathroom and kitchen sink were cloged up and I had to fix it. My carpet got wet, I just finished cleaning everything. Now I'm in a really bad mood! What about a joke to make me laugh? Are you funny enough?

Answer 1

A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."

The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."

"What?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my ******* perch."

Answer 2

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum
powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The
Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

here is another one

Who is the smarter sex?
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad
one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly
neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars,
the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a
woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but
fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that
we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for
the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely."

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And
look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head
in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the
bottle, immediately puts the cork back
in and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Answer 3

A priest goes fishing with his buddy and catches a big fish. his buddy says "look at that sonofabitch!" The priest gives him a nasty look but his buddy says " no,that's what the fish is called, a sonofabitch!" So the priest says "ok, I'm going to take the fish back to the nun in the church kitchen and have her cook it up" So he takes it to the nun and says "look at the sonofabitch that I caught!" She gives him a stern look and he says "no, that's what the fish is called, a sonofabitch! " she says" ok then, the pope is coming over tonight for dinner, I'll cook it up for him. So the nun cooks it up and they bring it out to the pope. The nun says " look at the sonofabitch that the priest caught and I cooked for you!" The pope says " Hey, you fuuckers are alright!"

Answer 4

sorry, I don't know any jokes that's why I'm on here, I want a good laugh, but I'm very sorry that to had a bad day, I hope tomorrow will be better for you =]