I've been involved with my boyfriend for 3+ years now and his daughter has been w/ us the whole time. She says she thinks of me as a friend but we were joking around with her and said we were engaged. She has hated us and lashed out ever since. She told us last night that that changed everything and she can no longer have her Dad to herself and she feels she must suck up the hurt & jealousy and move on. My boyfriend is not talking and i'm sure this has just torn him apart inside. I feel like it's my fault because I was the one that came up with the "engaged" thing and I'm also the one taking her away from her "Daddy". He has said before that all his children want from him is for him to be alone and miserable and that I can't let this stuff get to me.. But this has really hurt him and I can't seem to stop thinking that he regrets being with me because of this.. I have so many mixed feelings.. Help?? What could my man be thinking/feeling??
2007-03-28 12:12:22 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Are you sure that your step-daughter is your friend? She did everything but act like one. But you have to give her credit for her honesty. She told you exactly what she was afraid of so now you know exactly what to say and do to assauge her fears.
The fact that your sd feels that she cannot have her father "all to herself" indicates that she has abandonment and jealousy issues. Has your boyfriend neglected her in the past? Has he allowed other significant others to compete with her for attention? Your SD may have been done nothing more than express a legitimate fear in an extremely childish manner.
Second, your boyfriend has to grow some b*lls and deal with this problem. Even if your SD does have a legitimate fear, your boyfriend should have called her on the totally disrespectful way she behaved. And refusing to talk about what has happened is totally chickensh*t.
Three, tell SD that she hurt your feelings. As I said before, she probably has a legitimate fear about something and she may not have meant to be so hurtful. I would also personally pledge to never intentionally do something that interfered with the relationship. I would also recommend counseling for your SD. The fact that she reacted so strongly at the age of 20 and feels that she "must suclk up the hurt and jealousy and move on" tells me that she has some underlying emotional problems that might be causing her problems in other aspects of her life.
Good luck and keep your head up.
2007-03-28 12:33:42 · answer #1 · answered by e_d_ellis2004 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like this girl is pretty insecure. It's interesting that you refer to her as your "step-daughter" even though you are not married to him. Freud would have a blast with that one... And you say she "has been w/us"... Does that mean you are all living together? If so you guys are not helping define these relationships at all. She may be as confused as I am.
Anyway, let her stomp and pout and do whatever she wants, he is very likely right about his kids being selfish.
But have a serious talk with him and ask him if this has really created a problem between the two of you. If he says no then believe him, call a family meeting and tell her you love her too and want to be a family. That will get her attention. That's what she wants anyway. She's probably just confused because you guys have not made a commitment yet and she's afraid you are going to leave too. Teens and young adults want everything their way and they are really still kids, remember?
I joined my family when the kids were 9 and 11 and we all sort of grew up together. I had never been around kids so I had quite a bit of learning to do too. The bottom line is kids, parents, moms, and dads all want to have the security of "family" with the structure it offers. My kids are both in their 30's now and we are very close. The kids need to know you care for them as well as their dad.
2007-03-28 19:44:59 · answer #2 · answered by AK 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok, I can see this comming from his daughter if she were a child or in her teens, But come on, a 20 yr. old. She needs to grow up and realize that her father needs to be happy too. Like your boyfriend said don't let this get to you. If your boyfriend was having second thoughts about he would definatly tell you, I believe that fathers should put there children first before a relationship up to a certain age...say, 18. After that his children are adults and can think or say whatever they want to, but by putting the kids first dosent mean he cant have a realtionship with someone else at the same time, it just means that his first priority needs to be his kids.
2007-03-28 19:30:40 · answer #3 · answered by I Like Grapes 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well i dont kno what he could be thinking and yes these things hurt but at 20 yes old it is time for her to grow up and accept he has his own life-as far as you thinking you are taking her away from her "daddy" do not think that way period!! YOU are not taking her "daddy" away she is making the choice to take herself from him-dont let her manipulate you into feeling bad or guilty as obvouosly has already happened-i know it is easy for me to say-im not the one going thru it, but i have seen ny best friends stepson manipulate her into feeling like she was a bad person when all she did was love his dad!!
If you relly love this guy and want to be with him then you fight for him-you tell her you love her dad but she will always be his "baby" but it is up to her if she wants that or not.This is not a 10 13 or even 15 yr old-20 yrs old needs to see she does no always get her way by threats and saying she hates people!!
2007-03-28 19:25:22 · answer #4 · answered by roxy 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You say you have been together for 3 yrs.? Why then would marriage change anything? I'm suprised that your not married, she's 20 for criying out loud, Yes children are the ones who seem to suffer the most, but she's an adult now. an she shouldn't be controlling your relationship, her input is good but it isn't all you two should be going off of. She should be happy that you two are tring to make a deeper commitment. It's just as much his fault as it is yours for the joke, he was in on it, right?
2007-03-28 20:04:30 · answer #5 · answered by KELLY S 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are you living together? The only reason I could think that she would act so immaturely is if you are not living with him, and by getting married, you would move in... Thus, threatening her standing as the only true woman in his life. She's making him feel like he is being disloyal to her by bringing in an "outsider". My suggestion, don't fight about it. He should just tell her that he loves you, and he wants to be with you, and if she can't deal with it - it's her problem. He is a grown man who owes nothing but love to his adult daughter. She owes him the respect a child should have for a parent, and should act like an adult and not be so disrespectful. With a little time, her selfish behavior will likely subside, once the idea settles in. But, if you guys retract the "engaged" idea, she will feel like she WON the battle, and you will be in for even worse trouble down the road. Daddy needs to stand up for his position, and his love for you.
2007-03-28 19:32:35 · answer #6 · answered by sarlha 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, a 20 year old should be mature enough to kick the "13 year old brat act." You don't have diddly to feel bad about.
You can't kill your happiness worrying about what your boyfriend's daughter thinks when it doesn't even bother HIM!
Your man is thinking (knowing) that he has found true happiness with YOU. And he doesn't want to be lonely. Cut out the evil-wishers and love your man.
2007-03-28 19:20:55 · answer #7 · answered by Talkstress 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it's a difficult situation. Firstly it's not ur fault. secondly you should really sit down with the daughter and have an honest conversation make her see that he will always be her father and will always put her needs before his own, but that it's his life too and he deserves some happiness. explain to her that nothing will really change and she won't have to call u mom or anything like that. she is just unsecure in herself so boost her selfesteem a little and all will be well.
2007-03-28 19:19:50 · answer #8 · answered by Emerald 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She is feeling insecure. Talk to her alone, and explain that you love her dad, tell her that you want him to be happy, obviously unlike her.
At 20 years old she should not be so dependent on her father! Is she still living at home? did she go to university? She has no right to stop her father livinng a happy life.
Tell him you are sorry, and offer to back off for a bit, but if he loves you then he will reject that offer, and may even try and explain things to her himself.
2007-03-28 19:30:14 · answer #9 · answered by Katie C 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This sounds very weird. A TWENTY YEAR OLD WOMAN...come on. She needs to get a life! Seriously!
Be especially nice to your guy...he needs support.
You know, children often hate to recognize that their parents are 'real people'. They seem to think they have some kind of ownership!
Be pleasant to this child/woman, be kind. Continue being her friend as much as she will allow. Do not tolerate her tantrums if she throws them. Tell her you both love her, but will not tolerate ugliness! Be firm!
A man wants his woman by his side...he loves his kids, but needs his woman. Be there for him ...3 years + what are you worried about?
2007-03-28 19:49:25 · answer #10 · answered by Eve 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋