Should I Become An Orthodox Jew?

Question

I’m a liberal Jew and my boyfriend is an Orthodox Jew. His parents are ultra orthodox and told him that he wouldn’t inherit his fortune if he married a goyim or a non Orthodox Jew. Ever since we started to get serious he has been on and on at me to become an Orthodox Jew, even though he knows how much I despise it and how much I love liberal Judaism. At a Shabbat dinner he to told me that if I didn’t become an Orthodox Jew he wouldn’t be able to marry me in the future, I was shocked and decided to become an Orthodox Jew, but now I’m miserable and dread going to synagogue. Should I tell him or should I just try harder to embrace Orthodox Judaism?

Answer 1

Although I love it when people become more observant, in this case it seems like it isn't right for you. If being Orthodox makes you dread going to synagogue when you previously loved it, it isn't right. You should definitely tell him--if you're unhappy going into the marriage, you won't be happy in the duration of it. Besides, no matter how much you love this man, it is not worth making yourself miserable in your religion over. You should tell him your concerns, that you really aren't happy being Orthodox. If he loves you truly, he will understand.

Answer 2

There are two separate issues here -- one is your relationship to your boyfriend, and the other is your attitude toward Orthodox Judaism.

Boyfriend: I see problems here. He's pretending to be Orthodox, but a real Orthodox Jew would not go out with someone who didn't share his beliefs and observance. (Those are fundamental, and a couple who aren't on the same page will face many problems in their relationship.) He's also trying to manipulate you, and is putting money ahead of you in his list of priorities. To be honest, I think this relationship, if you continue it, is very likely to cause you a lot of pain in the future.

Orthodoxy: You say you despise it -- but what do you *really* know about it? I'm sure you've heard lots of bad things -- but have you ever *really* studied Orthodoxy from an *Orthodox* perspective? Do you have any idea how much kindness toward others real Orthodox Jews show? Let me give two examples:
#1: A young couple from Israel had to come to the U.S. for one of them to get cancer treatment. They were given an apartment *free of charge* by a member of the Satmar chassidic community, and that same community gave them meals, rides, friendship and emotional support for the months they stayed in the U.S. The couple weren't Satmar chassidim -- they weren't chassidim at all -- but the Satmar community gave them all kinds of support for months just because the community saw a family in need and wanted to help. (This is the same Satmar community commonly vilified for being "ultra-Orthodox" and not caring about anyone else.)
#2: An Orthodox Jewish doctor in Chicago who regularly had people dropping by his house for free medical care -- sometimes several at the same time. He *never* asked anyone for payment -- he saw someone needing help, and he gave it. He was also instrumental in starting an organization that now provides medical care, food, counseling, and other resources to more than 10,000 needy people a year. And none of this is exaggeration -- I know him personally. (Incidentally, he's one of the most modest, self-effacing people I've ever met or even heard of. It's never about him -- it's about helping others.)
I'd encourage you to learn more (if only to be able to make an intelligent, informed decision about Judaism in your life). An excellent resource you might try is Partners in Torah, an organization that matches up Jews wanting to learn more about Judaism with other, more knowledgeable Jews who are willing to study with someone -- for free. (Even the phone calls are free -- the organization provides calling cards to the teaching members so that they can call their partners and no one has to pay the phone bills.) You get to choose a topic, together. They're online at PartnersInTorah.org.

Answer 3

As a Liberal Jew who became Orthodox I am in full agreement with you on this one.

A persons religion is a matter of choice. To force yourself to follow what you do not believe or enjoy is wrong.

Personally I think this man is a coward for bowing down to his parents because of money.

But if you want my advice I would suggest a compromise for when you get married.

For Example:

Keep your home Kosher, but keep to your own standers when eating out.


Live in a neighborhood with both a Liberal and Orthodox Synagogues so you both have a place where you want to worship.

The list goes on, but if you two truly want to be together you need to find a way for all parties to be happy.

Answer 4

Moving from liberal Judaism to Orthadox Judaism is a big leap.
You are probably viewing lots of 'obligations'/commandments as burdens upon yourself, rather than enjoying them.

True authentic orthadox Judaism requires one not to see the commandments as a burden, but truly happy to perform. Of course, this is easier said than done. But that is the goal, and what you must do is develop an appreciation for what you do.

Learn insights into the commandments, learn WHY you do what you do, and bring meaning into your action. Then you will find a greater appreciation, joy and even a strong desire to keep the commandments, and wonder why you didn't appreciate or keep them before.

There are many books on this subject, because what you are feeling is not new, but stay strong. :)

Answer 5

I think you answered your question yourself. You said that you "despise" Orthodox Judaism. I doubt he would want to marry someone who would give up part of what they believe in order to join in marriage. Becoming Baal Teshuva is quite difficult and if you don't believe in the aspects of Judaism that your boyfriend and his parents do, then you are at an impass.
Ask your boyfriend to wear a wig, stop standing on the bimah, and cease fully participating in the services. I doubt he would be willing to sacrifice that for you. I don't think you should have to for him.
Stay strong.

Answer 6

first of all, i think you should lay down the law with both him and his parents. you need to make it clear to him that if his inheritance is more important than your happiness, then you have better places to be. and you need to politely demonstrate to his parents that while you appreciate their concern that their son's marriage is fully jewish in nature, you will make your own choices in your own life.

secondly, they don't seem like the friendliest people, and i'm guessing that this attitude is probably common to their entire synagogue if you dread going there so much. some communities are just like that, all the nasty people gather in one place. you should tell your boyfriend that you don't mind studying and considering orthodoxy, as long as its done at a more caring synagogue where you can actually enjoy yourself. do some research into the other shuls in your area, maybe pay some of them a visit, and you will probably find one you actually like.

here is a link that you can type in your area and it will spit out a list of orthodox synagogues around you and info about them:

http://oucentral.org/network/synagogues/synagogues.cfm

and here is chabad's "find a center" - they will be glad to help you out too, they specialize in this kind of thing

http://www.chabad.org/centers/default.asp?AID=6268

Answer 7

My question for you is, why can't he consider your point of view? By the sounds of it you are every bit as devout to Liberal Judaism as he is to Orthodoxy. Is he saying that he loves money more than your happiness? That he needs that 'fortune' more than he needs a happy you? If he loves you for who you are he should then accept that your religion is a large part of who you are and if you were to change that means he's not completely happy with the real you. Would you dye your hair or get your breasts done to please him (and by extension his parents)? Just some ideas.... from my understanding (through limited self study) doesn't the Torah teach that men and women are different but equal, and that the Hebrew God is gender neutral so as not to convey importance of one sex over another? Plus the ten commandments state honour they MOTHER and thy father.... chicks are first!

Answer 8

Sounds like he loves the thought of money more than you. Surely his parents should be thinking any Jew is better than a non-Jew. After all it is the 21st century.

Answer 9

I think it's terrible his parents are doing that. It shouldn't matter who he loves. It's just as discriminatory as if they said he couldn't marry a black person.

First try to convince the parent otherwise. If that fails, you need to decide which is more important: Your relationship or religious freedom?

Answer 10

Drop both your religion and your boyfriend. You'll be much happier. If you'd like you could also abandon religion altogether, but at the very least, switch back to the way you used to be.