What should I do?

Question

I'm so unhappy at the moment, and really shouldn't be. I have a wonderful husband, and a great relationship with my in-laws. We are renting a place, and I'm doing well at uni in a course I love.
The problem is my family. My mother has practically disowned me, and refused to allow me to see my brothers and sisters alone. My crime? refusing to have anything to do with my abusive stepfather. My mother knew what was going on but has since denied it. My aunt recently suggested I write to my mother, which I did, but she hasn't replied, and just showed the letter to my stepfather, who proceeded to tell my brothers and sisters just how horrible their big sister was.
I'm going to be back from university soon, and would like to see my brothers and sisters, but I'm not sure how, as my mother isnt talking to me! ( I have rang her twice but she never rang back (she was out) and she hasnt answered my texts or emails) I don;t want to go to her house though, because of my stepfather. any advice?

My brothers and sisters are all young, so I can't just meet them somewhere. I will try talking to my aunt, though I think she doesnt want to get too involved-it's hard being pulled both ways.

The abuse wasnt sexual, but physical and mental. He accused me of trying to split my parents up, called me names (I know it sounds nothing, but it gets you down when it's 24/7) hit me (I still have back problems 3 years on from him pushing me into a table) and threatened to throw me out, and even threatened to kill me at one stage (not lightly either, he had his hand around my throat at the time.)
He doesnt treat my brothers and sisters like this, as they are his biological children.

Answer 1

Certainly your Sib's ought to know how horrible of a person the step dad is and how badly he treated you. If they don't it's high time to set the record straight. They may have similar stories that they could be hiding. Whatever, let them know that your mother is well aware of his abuse but is in denial and is covering it up. Somehow you need to clear this up even to the point of going to your mom's house. If you do decide to pay her a visit get someone to accompany you. You are still her daughter and are very much part of the family (step dad not withstanding) and you do have a right to see your brothers and sisters. Whatever the outcome though, your mom can't keep you from talking to them indefinitely. Sooner or later you will see them and everything will come out. You might consider the possibility that it may be the step dad is controlling you mom and she may not have a choice in this matter. He seems to have a subversive amount of power over this family that he is trying to use to brainwash everyone. If so, this becomes an issue of having a reason to stand up to him and show him that you aren't afraid to face him and that he isn't going to push you around or control you any longer. Since you already have the support of the other people in your family then truth will eventually come out. You can probably enlist their aid in helping you with a solution to this dilemma. Just be determined that no matter what it takes your voice will be heard. Be just as determined that no matter how long it takes you will persevere to finally once and for all be able to put this to rest.

Answer 2

In what way did your step father abuse you?If it was sexually, put him in jail before he does it to your brother and sister.The reason I ask how he abused you is abuse is seen by different people as different things.Most step afthers do not have the priviledge of correcting and spanking their step kids and a lot of times the real father is nowhere to be found, someone has to fill that role.He may not be the biological dad, but he fills all the other roles such as provider and protector etc that the biological dad SHOULD be fullfilling but isnt.I have seen many decent men run over by their step kids whereas some of the men had enough and either divorced the mother or began disciplinary actions against them.This is seen as "abuse".The word abuse is so overused and misused this day and time, its hard to know what is going on unless youre specific,Im not saying he didnt abuse you, but I cant say he did unless your more specific.If its physical,mental and verbal, tell child protective services and get them out of there.

Answer 3

Focus on your wonderful husband and in-laws and figure out a way to visit with your brohers and sisters separate from your mother. Consider it a blessing that your mother isn't talking to you as she has problems and you need to keep that out of your life. I am sorry for you as you will no doubt feel guilty doing it but truly let her go. She has made her choice in your stepfather and there is nothing you can do about it so stay away from the drama.

Answer 4

thats a problem but yeah forget the mother if your ok with it and call at the house ask for the brother/sister and arranged to see them and since the aunt is helping you get her to say that she is taking the kids out if they are young and let her come to visit you your step dad and mom don't have to know

Answer 5

questions like these are always hard to find an answer to.. one thing that i have learned from my own experience with family.. is that you dont get to choose them.. you are born with the family you are in.. however, there comes a time where you dont have to stay. if someone is hurting you , you have the right to leave and to not come back.. and unfortunately your mother seems to have picked his side. and ultimately that is her decision. as for your brothers and sisters i can only hope that nothing is happening to them. and when they get old enough they will come to you. for the time being you have to be strong and focus on what you need to do with your life. you seem to be such a strong person. focus on you, your studies, and your husband. you have built a life with him, and sometimes that means leaving people behind. because one day you will have children of your own, and you dont want "bad people" in their life.
my best advice to you sweetheart is to pray.. open your heart to God. God will provide you with the answer you need.
Godbless you sweetheart
sincerely yours.
cathy

Answer 6

you have a sad situation - but, not by your own accord. if mom doesn't stick up for you, no one will. she is part of the problem. it's your right if you dislike your step-father and your mom should understand your feelings, but she is not. instead of contacting your mom, who is not responding, is there any way you can contact your siblings, by e-mail, phone or even contacting the school they go to and let their advisers know that you are their sister and will be back soon from school and would like them to contact you. let their advisers know how your siblings can do this, what your number is or where you will be staying. i hope they respond. if not, try to get on with your own life and make something of yourself. be true to yourself and don't let family dictate what you should be and whom you should like or dislike. i hope your are strong enough to do what is right for YOU. good luck.

Answer 7

Try to get ahold of your brother and sister and try to set up a secret meeting with them, and tell them how it really is, they wll understand and mayb e just maybe if you can get your mom alone too she wont be so hard to talk to with your step fathers influence

Answer 8

Forget your mother. Deal with your brothers and sisters directly. They can come to you at a cafe or somewhere else.

Answer 9

Yes_ 1st i'd like to say god bless you hunny & keep ya' head up.. Ineed 4 u to understand its ur mom thats missing out on ur life & the great things that life has to offer her including being a part of her wonderful daughters life, she is hindering her own bleesings by holding on to this man & failing to see what is right in front of her face , pray hun & dont give up & please dont blame yourself, i wish you luck on your journey, but please remember your trials come to make you strong.. i am so glad to know that your "choosen" family happens to be a great family, i wish you joy & happiness, good luck & keep us posted..

Answer 10

Send letters to your brothers and sisters. Make sure they know that you are not horrible and not avoiding THEM.