My ex husband,who is not the biological father of my daughter but has been in her life since she was 2, one day while we were out of town visiting family, was arrested for fraud, theft by deception, and drugs. Had no idea he had this other life. After much consideration and figuring out our whole 4 years together was a huge lie, I divorced him. I have told my daughter that he did some very bad things and is being punished for them. But she still gets very sad and asks when she can see him again. How do I tell her that she won't ever see him again? Any good advice is appreciated!
2007-03-28 11:02:00 · 17 answers · asked by littleitaly1377 3 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
1 more thing- She does see her biological father every other weekend, and loves him, but was closer with my ex husband....just an FYI....
2007-03-28 11:31:47 · update #1
First of all, I am very sorry for what you and your daughter had to go through. At the age of 6, the only thing that you can do is sit her down and explain to her that her "daddy" will not be coming back. Remind her of all the people in her life who love her and that they will always be there for her (she might need this assurance if she is worried about others dissappearing). It is going to be difficult for her to deal with, so why don't you try distracting her for awhile with other activities. Is there a class/lesson/sport she has always wanted to do? Getting involved with an activity and with other kids will not only distract her, but will also help her build other relationships. Also, make sure you are spending as much time as possible with her since she will need your support right now. Try some fun new activities that she never did with "daddy". That way you two can have some things that just you can share. Keep in mind, however, that she may need some counseling if she is having trouble dealing with her loss. If it seems like she is dwelling on his absence too much, talking to someone about her feelings may help. I wish both of you the best of luck!
2007-03-28 11:10:49 · answer #1 · answered by Mia1385 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
DO NOT tell her that she won't ever see him again!!!
The foundation for a child's self esteem is largely developed between the ages of 6 and 8. She needs to know that she did nothing wrong but Daddy did and will be in jail for 20 years. A specific time period, even a long one, gives her hope, believe it or not. Also, it's very important to remind her daily that YOU love her and will never leave her and that Daddy still loves her even though he's away.
If he's willing, take her to prison to see him. It will be a difficult and awkward visit but if you put your anger at your ex before your daughter's love for him, you will be hurting her and some day she will hate your guts for it.
If you want to get a little revenge against the idiot, encourage your daughter to send him cards and pictures. It will break his heart and although eventually help him get through prison life, initially it will hurt like nothing he's ever experienced.
Finally, like it or not, for both your sakes you need to find a way to forgive him. If you hold onto your hurt and anger your daughter will pick up on it and associate your pain with all men. And all men are not the idiots your ex is. She could end up having difficulty with friends, authority and self-confidence for a lifetime.
Again, DO NOT tell her she will never see him again, even if you think it's true. (What if a year from now he gets out on a technicality and comes back to see you both?)
2007-03-28 11:37:04 · answer #2 · answered by BOOM 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you should tell her that right now. I think she needs to first have time to get used to not having him around and even missing him. She also needs to deal with knowing he has gotten in trouble, which is a disappointment for her.
I think (and its only one person's opinion, as you know) you should just tell her, "He's gotten into some trouble, and for now he's not able to see you. It isn't that he doesn't want to. He has a lawyer working to try to straighten things out."
Let time pass, and just stick with this story for a good long time. Your daughter will get used to not seeing him, to accepting that he can't get in touch with her, and to the idea that he is somewhere where he can't see or talk to her.
After a good, long, time has passed you could (if she asks) say something like, "I still don't know what's going on with him, but he can't live with us any more anyway because of the trouble he got into." Say no more than that.
Over time she'll stop asking about him, but even if she asks once in a while just tell her he's not allowed to call or see her.
When she's about 10 or 11 you could tell her a little more about the mistake you made marrying someone you didn't really know well, and she'll get the idea - but that will be after she's good and used to not having him around for years.
If I were in your situation I would also emphasize to her her time with her real father, and I wouldn't get involved with any other men until she was a teenager (its only 7 years) and less likely to get "all mixed up" by having another guy introduced into her life.
2007-03-28 12:30:41 · answer #3 · answered by WhiteLilac1 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The explaination you gave your daughter is enough for her right now, just tell her you will explain it more when she is old enough to understand. Maybe she could use some family counseling, or after school activities. A dance class or gymnastics... Maybe even look into a big brothers and sisters program. She might find it comforting to talk to someone that she knows wont judge what she has to say about the whole thing.
2007-03-28 11:11:03 · answer #4 · answered by lil_mrs_bridgett 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell her the truth....that he was being very bad with drugs, and will be in prison. Tell her she can't go there to visit because it isn't safe.
This will tell her very early on that the consequences for messing with drugs are truly horrible, and it should keep her from ever trying them.
She is NOT too young to know what he did, and to have it explained that other people could die or be very sick from drugs.
I am so sorry for this mess...I hope you don't give up on finding a GOOD man to love, and who will love you &your little girl!
2007-03-28 11:13:39 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
if your daughter knew him as daddy, you have to try to break that slowly - if you have to.... i can understand your anger at him for the lies, but your daughter only knows that her daddy that loves her is gone... is he in prison? did he move far away from you? or is it just your anger that makes you say she cant ever see him again? i dont say that to be mean. if he is in prison, find out when visiting days are and let her see him - if for no other reason that as she grows up she wont be able to come back and say that 'you wouldnt let me see daddy' and hate you for it later. it is hard for a child to lose a parent, whether that be to death, divorce or anything else... but as much as i know you never want to see him again, try to put your daughters mental health first... if he is in prison, she probably wont want to go that often... but at least then you did let her see her daddy... she is just too young to understand why because daddy did some bad things means that she doesnt get to see him anymore... she might wonder if she did bad things that made him not want her anymore... you would be surprised what kids think up in their own heads... let her daddy tell her why you arent together anymore, but if possible, let her still see him, however limited
2007-03-28 11:12:26 · answer #6 · answered by unimatrix_42 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have to be honest with kids, but it has to be on their level. Answer only what she asks, and don't go into too many details. Instead of just telling her the situation, you might ask her if she has any questions about her daddy you can answer for her. This let's her know that her feelings count, and keeping things honest will make her feel more secure. She especially needs that right now.
2007-03-28 11:29:32 · answer #7 · answered by Moon 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well i think you should take her to see the father that she knows,it does not matter if he is in jail,she still loves him forget that you divorced him and do that little favor to your daughter or tell her about her real daddy. You decide,hope you make the right decision.
2007-03-28 11:23:16 · answer #8 · answered by LYDIA R 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
At age 6 they are old enough to know right from wrong and she needs to be told the truth. Tell her he did something bad and is in jail. If she finds out another way she will resent you for not telling her the truth. Kids are smarter and can handle more things than we think they can.
2007-03-28 11:08:22 · answer #9 · answered by Ryan's mom 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If I were you, I would explain to her that she wont be seeing her daddy anymore because he did something very bad. Say that you will be there for her though, and take ome time off work to do some one on one play time or go somewhere special to get her mind off her daddy and reassure the fact that you're there for her
2007-03-28 11:05:50 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋