how to deal with one child receiving more attention from people than another?

Question

The thing is I have a 4 year old daughter and 9 year old son, my daughter is infamous for her bright red Shirley Temple-curls. Anytime we go somewhere we are met with at least one person commenting to my daughter how pretty she is and what gorgeous hair she has. It didn't used to bother my son at first but now, as it is a consistently recurring event, he is reacting more to it and I'm afraid it is hurting his self esteem. I've explained to him that people respond to her because it is not everyday you see someone with hair like that and that it doesn't mean that she is better or more loved than he is. We are getting him into some activities this spring so his star will have a chance to shine but I just don't know what else to say or do. I need some help, he is an amazing boy and I don't want this to damage him. Any Ideas?

Answer 1

Hmm that is tough because it is strangers. If it were family that would be different. And of course some people will fawn over girls and not boys in general.

My husband has red hair and he hates it because EVERYONE remembers him. He ran into someone who babysat him when he was a toddler and she recognized him at 16. So your daughter is going to have problems with this as well. Particularly if she starts the think that all people appreciate is her looks or that her looks = her self worth.

This is a tough situation and I think the best thing you can do is advocate to people so maybe this behaviour will stop not just for your child, but for all children. I know that may not help your kids right now, but slowly it will help everyone.

And of course do the best you can to give your children their own sense of self-worth. Which is something parents should be doing anyway even though it is a really tough thing in this society where thin is somehow better than smart. You could also tell strangers about your son and daughter's actual individual acheivements. Because let's face it her hair is her hair it isn't an accomplishment.

Answer 2

This is actually very common with children, so don't worry.
Just keep reminding him of it until he gets it. He will, but it may take time. Next time you tell him that his sister's hair doesn't mean she's better than him, have him repeat the statement in first person (for example):

My sister has beautiful hair and I am very smart. Everyone loves us the same even though we have different talents and different hair.

(obviously, you can phrase it in a way that is comfortable for you both, but you get my point)

It may seem odd or silly, but our brains are like computers and positive messages repeated in the first person help with the brain's 'programming.'

Answer 3

When someone says something to your daughter, say something positive about your son. like, "Yeah she got lucky with the curls. He got lucky with the straight hair." Or, if they have different eye color mention that or he got a good grade, excelled at something. He wants attention/recognition too, that's all.

Answer 4

It is also because he is a boy. People notice and comment on girls more than boys.

Tell him that he is unique. There is, never has been and never will be anyone like him. That's what makes him special.

Answer 5

Im surprised that at age 9 - things like that bother your son. Usually boys at that age are not affected by things like that. Just reinforce that he is a awesome kid too.