How do you make your kids mind you?

Question

the kids are my wife's and her first husband's. the boy is 8 and the girl is almost 5. they tell her to shut up. the girl hits my wife. when she tells them to do something they say no. they never mind. and they always fight each other. they are good at school and never get in trouble. but as soon as we pick them up, they scream and fight each other all the way home. she spanks them with her hand and they just laugh. i dont feel like i can do anything because they arent mine. but if they were, i wouldnt be mean, but i wouldnt be as easygoing as she is. she is due in june with my baby, and i am not wanting it to end up acting like they do. what does she need to do to make them mind her?????

Answer 1

Your wife opened the door with her brand of parenting and now the kids are walking all over her...they also know you won't interfere so they feel they have free reign.

First, ask your wife what her thoughts are on your stepping in to assist her in disciplining the children...explaining that you intend to do so with respect and caring towards them but with firmness, which they badly need.

Then, both of you have to hang tight when you tell the kids to do something and they refuse, argue with you, treat you badly etc. They can both still do with time outs...honestly, these do work but it takes firmness, repetitiveness to show you mean business and tenacity as well as patience. The 8 yr old is timed out for 8 minutes the 5 year old for 5 minutes (a minute for each year of the child).

You should also start a chart...or use 'coupons' that the kids can trade in for a special outing, treat, toy etc. You may be surprised just how effective this method alone can be. The chart can have things like "Playing nicely", "Putting toys away", "Using polite words, please and thankyou", "being nice to mom" etc. Then, they earn rewards at the end of the week based on how many stars/happy faces/shiny stickers or whatever you would like to use...they have under each category. Get them involved and let them put their own stickers on so they can see their progress. For bad behavior...a star is taken off or stroked out...and has to be earned back again. i.e 4 stars = a favorite treat, 5 stars = their choice of a favorite rental movie, 7 stars = a favorite toy/game etc. Whatever you think will work well with their age bracket.

Coupons: same thing except they get to hand you the coupon of their choice at the end of the week of wonderful behavior...and they are then in control of their behavior because they are in control of the end result (reward).

No it's not bribery...it's effective parenting that allows for a quieter, more cooperative and fun home environment for everyone. You might want to take in a show or two of the Nanny or Super Nanny...they have some decent advice and you may both find it helpful and encouraging to see how things progress with other people's families.

Keep in mind that these little ones are acting out for a reason...perhaps they resent mom for marrying? Mom and yourself don't spend enough quality time with them (or so they see it)...etc. Any number of reasons for this but they know they can get away with it, so away they go.

Good luck

Answer 2

Wow if my 5 year old hit me I would freak out you guys need to set up some serious boundaries that is just completely unacceptable at those ages they know what is right and what is wrong. Start by establishing consequences for every rule infraction my daughter loses 10 cents off of her allowance or a bedtime book depending on how serious the situation is I don't believe in spanking tried it and it only makes things worse. It will be horrible at first but after some time everyone will be happier just be sure that you are consistent.

Answer 3

The first thing you need to do is let children that age know who is parent/boss and who the children are. They already know who is in charge around you house and it is only going to get worse. No child that age would hit me or tell me to shut up. They would find out real quick who is boss by whatever means it took. That could be spanking, grounded ( and mean/do what you say) privilege taken away until the learn to act their age. Start being a parent before you have more problems. If you don't know how to be a parent, get help from a professional.

Answer 4

These children need discipline. It is sad when original parents are not both there for the children.

You must form a relationship with them so that they will know that you love them. Talk with them, have fun with them, take them places, and let them talk to you. Then you must help to discipline these children they are still young enough for you to be involved. If they were teenagers then I would say no.

Constant loving discipline is in order. It can be spankings or time outs. The two of you must do it NOW!

Get together on this. Don't allow talking back disrespect, or disobedience. Do it for their sake.

Counseling with a licensed therapist would be very beneficial. You would learn just exactly what they need and how to do it.

Answer 5

discipline is something that should start from the beginning. once a child picks up bad behavior patterns it is harder to deal with. given the young age of your step children i would say that their is still hope if you both start now. mothers are notorious softies when it comes to discipline. their is nothing wrong with disciplining step children as long as you and your wife have sat down and agreed to a common course of action and stick to it and back eachother up. children are very stubborn and i would start off small and let thier response to the punishment dictate weather it becomes more severe or not. physical punishment should be a last resort when all other attemps do not correct the behavior. it should also be a calm thing where your not grabbing them up and whailing on them, but setting them down..explaining what they did that you didn't like, telling them the punishment, and then delivering the punishment..then followed by the parent reaffirming that you love them but will not tolerate the behavior.punishment is about possitive and negative reinforcement. children should understand that good behavior will get them praise..like doing what thier told when thier told...and bad behavior will get them an undesireable response..punishment should be consistant..this reaction will get you this response..everytime!! telling thier mom to shut up or hitting her would bring about the wrath of god in my house..children also don't respond to yelling...they just learn to see it as empty threats and tune you out...if you threaten it..back it up. you also have a right to be concerned with your new arrival cuz younger siblings tend to emulate thier older siblings...just remember start early. also remember that kids are smarter than we think and communication should always be at the forefront of any problem resolution.

Answer 6

Watch that show called "The Nanny." That woman has GREAT ideas that really work AND she's dealt with kids just like yours. Go online and see if she has written a book, if so, buy it.

Have they talked with you and your wife about how they feel about the divorce? If they are good in school but not at home that could mean they aren't being disciplined enough and/or receiving enough positive attention and/or they are angry at Mom for making Daddy go away.

You don't need to hit or spank them and you probably shouldn't, especially if they are carrying anger over the divorce. If that's the case spanking could sow LOTS of resentment and 10-15 years down the road they may want nothing to do with either of you.

If they act up, send them to a designated time-out area or room - but NOT their bedroom. (Bathrooms are great because there is nothing to do in them and they get bored sitting and doing nothing for 30 minutes.) If you haven't already done this or have tried it without success, you need to be prepared to wear down their resistence which could take 2-3 weeks. However, once they see that every time they 'escape' the time-out area you bring them back and their time-out starts over again - they will cease resisting you and just the threat of being bored silly in their time-out area will motivate them to mind you.

Again, be prepared to work and work and work at it. The first time you start with this discipline they will resist you and drive you NUTS. It will likely take you HOURS to get them to listen at first, but in time, they will learn.

As for your feeling you can't say anything because they aren't your kids - NOT! Says who?? She's your wife right? Well, if I were to meet her and treat her disrespectfully I doubt you would keep silent with me, so why keep silent with the kids? You can explain to them that just because you are not their daddy doesn't mean they can disrespect your wife and their mother.

Consistency is paramount. Regardless of how tired you are or how much you don't want to have another conflict with them, EVERY TIME they act up - BAM - give them a time-out and DON'T BACK DOWN.

Be firm and calm and consistent and you will rarely need to spank them. But get plenty of exercise because you will need to keep yourself in good shape because you will be exhausted (in a good way though) from giving time-outs.

Good Luck!

Answer 7

have u seen supernanny? those ladies know how to dicipline without smacking kids around.
personally, what worked with my mom is she just took away privelages. like if tv is a privelage, take that away. or if going to a friend's house is a privelage, take that away until they shape up. i was an angelic child though.
my rabbi said that what he did was if his child misbehaved, he would give them 3 chances. on the third chance, if they were still misbehaving he would say "it looks like you need love and attention, so i am going to give that to you", and no matter where they were, supermarket, whereever - he would physically restrain his kid and give him a hug and all of his attention for a certain amount of time. he said that the key was consistancy. no matter what you method of dicipline, always be consistant with it, so that they know what to expect and they know what they are getting themselves into.
if your wife can't physically restrain her kids, she needs to start working out so that she doesn't get hit. when i was growing up, if i ever hit my mom - i don't even want to immagine what would happen. neither of my parents ever got physical with me ever, and i was able to be diciplined. you don't ever need to spank. there are other ways, psychological and otherwise. maybe there needs to be some family counceling? my brother and i did fight a lot and drove my mom a bit crazy - but i can't say i ever knew her to find a solution to that, sorry. we just grew out of it eventually.

Answer 8

Frist off it's ok that you back off on the part of disaplin. but it might also help. Kids know there limits, they would probley be surprised to see you step up to the plate. Mom needs to stop spanking them,and be sturn, by taking things away from them and sticking with it. show them who runs the house. time out works to a limit, but helps if it's a constent thing, not one time they get in trubble they sit in time out every time.
stand up to the plate. Ask you woman if it's ok that you step up.

Answer 9

Ok something has to be done , your wife is due in June with your baby. If it was me I would make them little kid mind me because there gonna hurt your wife or mother and your gonna wish you did something about it. Start punishing them if that don't work have the cops visit with them just to scare them if that don't work start hitting them... You need to do something now! Before it get worse

Answer 10

Unfortunately, its going to be a hard road to get them to mind at this point. Children need to be taught from as early as possible to respect their parents. I hardly ever have to spank my children, they know just by a look most of the time. Maybe family counseling will help? Parenting classes? This will help not only the children she already has, but maybe will teach her how to get a handle on it with your baby as soon as possible. I highly suggest you two learn how to get your kids to respect you now, before they get older, because as they get to be teenagers, it will only get worse. Please have her go to parenting classes and get family counseling as well for all of you....Good luck