what do i do about my mom..how do i help?

Question

my mom has been with this guy for about 7 years...last year he left her and went to someone else...it was horrible for me. we fought all the time because she acted like her life was horrible without him and that me and my sister just were not enough for her to live for...i went through alot and just when things got better he came back (i knew he would) now he has left again and im afraid that me and my mom will start fighting again...i have my own life now and i don't spend as much time around the house...she cries but i can't fell sorry for her because i told her that it would happen and not to let him back and she always complained about him and wanted him gone...but i want to help i want to reassure her that everything will be okay but every time i tell her that she snapps out and i don't want to go threw last summer again...i just don't know how to cope with this again it happens every summer and she just lets him come back after his usual 3 month run...i don't know what to do..

Answer 1

You are in a very difficult position, because from your vantage point the solution is very clear. Unfortunately, for your mother it isn't.

Don't fight with her. There's no reason for you and her to argue - even if she is starting it. She's distressed and needs to get the frustration out. I'm sure even she knows that her behaviour is inappropriate, yet when we find ourselves stressed out and feeling out of control, it's the people closest to us who seem to get the brunt of it.

State once - and only once - during a calm moment what your opinion is. Tell her that you will support her either way, but this is your opinion and as her daughter it is affecting you emotionally and also your relationship with her.

Let her know how many people care about her, how she has a lot to offer a partner, how she deserves to be treated so much better. It is obvious that her self-esteem is suffering or she would be able to move on and not continue repeating negative situations. Encourage her to speak to a counsellor. Perhaps it will allow her to see things in a clearer manner, after all, it is an uninvolved 3rd party helping steer her, not an emotionally attached family member.

If all else fails, play dirty - ask her how she would feel about this man if he was doing this to you, her daughter. I bet her point of view will be changing very quickly!

Encourage her to grieve for the loss of the relationship in her own way, but also to celebrate the opportunity for a new beginning.

Answer 2

I think it is great that you really want to help your mom. I also understand how life must be miserable when she acts like that.
Unfortunately, your Mom isn't acting to Mom like. She sounds like she is very immature and blaming everyone for her problems but herself. You can't change her at this stage in her life as much as you would like to. All you can do is save your own sanity. Try to find things that will occupy you and keep you away from the house/her. If things really get bad I'd suggest some therapy for you. It must be so tough. Maybe after you've started you could get her to go too. That might be the only solution you have. Sorry

Answer 3

Tell your mother that it is time she stopped acting like she is 16 with a boyfriend she can't live without. Tell her it is time that she grows up and acts like an adult, like a mother, like someone her daughters can look up to and use as a role model.

Your mother needs some spiritual counseling. She needs to find the strength within herself. She needs to develop that strength and stand emotionally on her own. The here again gone again boyfriend keeps coming back because she hasn't learned the lesson of being a complete person on her own. When she learns that she needs no one to feel complete, another complete person will appear in her life to share life with her, not to be co-dependent.

Stop feeling sorry for her. Tell her to not let the loser back into her life and she will creat the opportunity for someone who truly loves and respects her to come into her life. If she decides to be his doormat again and again, emotionally separate yourself from her. It is her decision to make and her lesson to learn. Don't try to do it for her.

Answer 4

I feel bad for u. but have ur mom go out alot take her mind off of him. show ur mom love and effection show that theres other people that care about her. tell ur mom shes better then him and try to date other men or dont date at all if she doesnt want 2 get hurt again. make her feel special tell her i love u and im trying 2 do the best to help u and try to see counciling because this might turn to something life threatning im not trying to say that she would try but just to be on the safe side. hope this helps and if u try hard u can overcome this war and ull succeed helping ur mom. its ur destiny to help.

Answer 5

It seems like this guy is taking you and your mom for granted . you have to show your mom his real picture. i mean to say you have to sit with her and tell her look he is been doing this for a while and every time you let him back in he thinks he can do this to you all the time . there is nothing much you can do at this point accept try and make your mom realize that she can do better then that looser. if she wants to do this all her life then you gotta move on hun there is nothing you can do . she is a grown adult and she wont listen to you. all you can do is support her when she is upset and lonely

Answer 6

Since talking isn't helping, right her a letter or an email and tell her exactly how you feel. Stay away from the "i told you so" and go more for the "i love you and am here for you, we can get through this"... Your mom is hurt and doesn't need her daughter pointing out her faults as a woman! Compliment her on her looks, make her feel special, get up and cook breakfast for her one morning, make a day at the spa...

Answer 7

It sounds to me like your mother needs some hobbies and other interests in life besides a fruitless romance such as you mentioned. If she won't be rational about the whole thing, which she probably won't since love isn't rational, she needs some therapy to help remedyl the void in her life.
Also, can't she look for somebody else? Maybe they can be amicable friends but settle on the fact that the romance has died in their relationship.

Answer 8

First you need to tell her how you feel. I suggest writing a long letter so she will know you put much thought into it. Other than that there is nothing else you can do. Her eyes are wide shut!!!! She'll see the light when she's ready.

I'm sorry.

Answer 9

in my personal experience it's a lot easier to express yourself on paper than in person. write her a letter and express to her how much you love her and how you want her to be happy. Tell her that she is a fantastic mom without a guy in her life and you couldn't wish for a better mom if you tried. (I have a sneaking suspicion that this is what she needs to hear.) good luck!

Answer 10

You're mom needs to cut this guy loose for good! Don't even bring up the subject of this jerk w/ her or else you'll set yourself up for another fight. If she wants to talk about it, just change the subject or let her vent, but don't give her your opinion.