I am 31 year old marrier, mother of 3 children (1 is a step). After years of fighting with my Mother on many issues I have cut her off completely from myself and the kids. The problem is my daughter who is 14 lost her paternal grandmother (who was a wonderful woman) a few months ago and is needing that special grandma love. I cut my children off from her because I felt they needed protected from her ways of emotional abuse. Now my daughter has wrote a lettter to her and wants me to mail it that is basically stating she wants to have a relationship. What do I do?
2007-03-28 08:15:18 · 13 answers · asked by jcbc75 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
this is tough, emotional abuse cannot be condoned under any circumstances and your feelings are quite understandable, your daughter is 14, and old enough to have made up her own mind about wanting to see her. Perhaps she is thinking that her relationship with your mother will be the same as the wonderful relationship she had with her other grandmother and when or if she sees its not will no longer want to continue the relationship, i feel you have no choice but to mail the letter, and whatever happens be right there if your daughter needs you. You will soon see what effect this will have on your daughter, if its positive, all well and good, but if its negative, you have to explain to her and intervene, the best of luck to all of you
2007-03-28 08:31:52 · answer #1 · answered by ♠ Merlin ♠ 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You said your daughter is 14 and that is probably old enough to have a mature conversation with her about why you have ceased having a relationship with your mother but let her know that now that she knows why you don't speak to your mom if she wants to try to have a relationship you will allow it as long as your mother doesn't do anything you don't approve of towards or with your daughter. You would probably have to deal with an angry teenager if you just put your foot down and said "no contact with grandma", on the other hand your daughter is old enough and will probably see your mom for what she is and draw a line herself. Good luck and God Bless.
2007-03-28 08:35:21 · answer #2 · answered by tersey562 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to mail the letter and you need to let your children be involved with their grandmother.You can't take that right away from them or from your mother.
Explain to your children that you and her have a difficult time getting along together but that doesn't mean that they can't.
I'm sure you love her.......you just can't see eye to eye.If you find that she emotionally abuses them in any way then it's time to step in and put an end to their relationship with her.
Give her a chance to be a grandmother and to show love to your children.There is no other love like a grandparents love for their granchildren.
I hope one day you can resolve your differences with her.You only ever have one mother and life is short.
God Bless.
2007-03-28 08:33:58 · answer #3 · answered by sonnyboy 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
she's not likely to deliver the abuse to her grandkids. I don't know her, but there's a difference with grandmas and grandchildren, most of the time. I don't recommend staying away from your mother for you either. I know you have an unbearable situation, but thats your mother and the only one you've got. You may need her one day and she will be gone. You may actually reflect back on something good in her one day, and she won't be available for you. Perhaps just not go around her as often, but that's so much better than shunning her. I could not imagine losing my daughter I'd just die
2007-03-28 08:33:55 · answer #4 · answered by cindy h 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you force the issue to keep your children away from there grandmother they will resent you in the end.
Unless you trully fear for them you should allow supervised visitation with her.
you want supervised. You do not want to wait till your daughter is 18 and decides then to have a relationship because then the hard feelings are dug in so deep any thing your mother says will be the truth whether it is or it is not.
think about it if your mother died tomorrow. do you want her die with the hard feelings covering the air. you will never find peace. talk with your mother being the bigger one. and do not judge or accuse or get angry. state the facts and let it go.
2007-03-28 08:34:20 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hard to say. If you truly think your mom is bad for your daughter, than just tell her that. Be honest, she is only 14 but she should be able to understand. But if your relationship with your mom is the only problem, include a letter with your daughters and tell your mom this is only going to be for your daughter and you still don't want anything to do with her but hope she can be nice to your daughter and nto hold anything against her. You two are adults, do what is best for the 14 year old.
2007-03-28 09:20:33 · answer #6 · answered by WOOOOO Whooo 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think your daughter is at an age where she can decide if she wants to have a relationship with your Mom and I wouldn't stand in the way of that since I think there will be resentments. If they can have a good relationship, then let them. Just keep your eyes peeled to be sure she is not emotionally abusing her, as you are afraid she will. If that happens, step in and end it.
2007-03-28 08:31:53 · answer #7 · answered by Clarissa 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is a tough one. In respect for your daughter (if and only if your mother is not abusive to her) I would mail the letter and give her the chance to have a relationship with your mother. Redemption for our wrong comes through many avenues and your moms may come through your daughter. If at any time your mom starts feeding your daughter negative ideals about you is when you end it.
I too have cut my mother out of my life. I'm almost 30 now and it was very hard and took a long time. I do not have kids though but I just thought to myself a few days ago, man I'm glad I got her out of my life before having kids so she can't see them or even know about them. Now, I have a sadistic mother in law that my husband loves despite the misery she causes and I know my children will be subject to seeing her though I'd prefer they did not. The way I intend to handle that is to dictate to her what my kids will and will not be doing despite what she says or thinks and if she steps outside of respecting me as their mother I will ensure it is the last time she sees them.
2007-03-28 08:31:20 · answer #8 · answered by Love to Love 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋
I don't think it's fair that you deprive your children from getting to know their grandmother..you should send it. Your children have a right to want to get to know their grandmother even if you disapprove.
2007-03-28 08:23:58 · answer #9 · answered by PB 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your children need a special mother's love. I wouldn't send the letter if my mother was a bad influence for my children.
2007-03-28 08:31:44 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋