Need some advice about my mother?

Question

I have a good relationship with husband we've been togather for 12 years and married 9.We argued like any other couple till my mother (who is not sick just needs a place to stay for right now)moved in with us now we argue alot more mostly about her.Now she thinks I have a bad marriage and that we need counseling.I don't want to hurt her feelings and be like it's all your fault we are fighting if you did not live here we would not be fighting like this.I feel my relationship with my mother has already been damaged to a point that it's going to take alot to fix this fight might just make it unfixable.I've always had a great relationship with my mother till now and would like to one day have that again.What do you think I should do tell her the truth or just stay quiet till she moves out in a couple of months

Answer 1

Ahhh, I went through that. My husband and I agreed the mother had to go especially since it went from a month to a few months to darn near a year of her living there and turning down job offers to keep us supporting her. While she was there he made a point to take me out more and for longer hours. We pretty much knew when she'd be going to bed and would come home at that time. Having a parent living there is hard because they start telling you what to do and injecting their thoughts on your lives and that just doesn't work out. Find the actual source of what the two of you are arguing about and fix that, then the tension will ease until she is gone if you're not going to put her out.

Answer 2

I would just stay quiet for now, anything you say to her she's not going to hear anyway and will just cause another fight between the two of you. Time is the best thing for your relationship, it may never be the same but that could be a good thing. Things will be better after she is gone. Just remember not to say or do things in anger while fighting with your husband that you will be sorry for later on, you want to be able to move forward after she moves out and if you guys are hurt because of mean things you said to one another it will take that much longer for things to be back to normal.
It's gonna be ok.

Answer 3

I think you and your mom should go out to lunch and you need to be up front with her, but not like "your causing this". More "like the stress of having another adult person" in the house is making (your husband) and me disagree. I have a very good marriage that is just going thru a rough phase right now.
Is there anything you can do to help your mother get back on her feet and out on her own? If so, do it. And quickly. Also, is there another sibling or family (friends, aunts, cousins, anything) that she could visit sometimes to give you guys a break?Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 4

You need to get out of the middle between your husband and your mother.Don't take sides.

Your first priority is to your husband and children if there are any.I think it is very big of your husband to have her living with you.Two women in one household often makes for a bad situation no matter how well they've gotten along together.

Tell her the truth.If you've had such a good relationship with her there should be no problem doing that.It's always better to be honest.

Try to stay nuetral between your husband and your mom.She will be moving soon and hopefully eveything will get back to normal once again.

Answer 5

You didn't mention the things that are happening with your mom in your home that are causing you and your husband to argue. That would have been helpful in telling you how to handle this.

You also don't mention why your relationship with your mom is now damaged.

If you want to keep that private, that's okay.

Is there no other place your mom can go? Are you an only child, or are your siblings unable to have mom stay with them? Those remaining months would be very helpful in giving your marriage a chance to get back on an even keel.

I don't think it would be wise to tell mom it's her fault that you are arguing. It would prove that you don't need counseling, but at what cost? Further damage to your relationship with your mom? Not worth it.

You can however say something like this, ' I know that you think things are not going well between me & (spouse), but this is not how we usually are. We have a great relationship, and even though we are going through a temporary situation at the moment, things are improving, and I know that they will be much better soon."

If your mom protests and says you should still seek counseling, just tell her that you are sorry that she came at a time when you two are trying to deal with a difficult situation, but this is not a permanent issue, and you are sorry that her stay coincided with this. Tell her that hopefully when she returns for a visit, she will see things the way they have been betwween you and your spouse for the 12 years you have been together.

Later that day or the next day, tell your mom that you miss things being so wonderful between you, and that you want things to improve before she leaves.

You and your husband need some time alone. Some 'WE' time. Whenever you have a semipermanent houseguest, time alone, and time with your children (if you have any) is essential. Go get ice cream, go play at a park, or to a beach, or even to a gameroom or Chucky Cheese. As for the two of you, get away alone: you can even go to the same places.

But you two do need to get alone at times like this to regain or keep your perspective. The bedroom is not sufficient; neither is the bathroom--your guest can still knock. So can children. Get away! Get away a lot! Start today.

You can even go for a drive, pack a picnic (even if it's just sandwiches--but if it's for you & your husband, try to make it as special as possible: see below), turn the backseat into a small picnic area, if it's cold out. Put some small glass candles in the cupholders, uncork the sparkly juice, turn on the radio or insert a CD, and rejoice in some time to be together alone. (Don't forget to extinguish the candles after about 20 minutes. Perhaps you should take the type with lids just to be safe.)

If you take the children, tie some balloons to a brick, and have a celebration picnic for the same reasons. Make a microwave cake, and take sandwiches, and beverages. You can actually do this for on your day, too.

As for mom, do some of the things together that you used to do, and have 'problem-free' days. By this, i mean go someplace, do something and let mom know we aren't discussing anything but this day. Be sure to do this when you and your husband are alone, and with the children as well.

Finally, agree with your husband that you will make an extra effort to be patient, kind, thoughtfull and loving. And angree that you two do not disagree in front of your mom, no matter what. (Let him read this.) And find times to laugh together, many, many times.

If mom is saying or doing things that she shouldn't, support your husband, because you will have to live with him for the rest of your life.

But don't hurt mom's feelings, if at all possible. Just be firm and gentle, and say, "I love you mom, and I want (spouse) to be as close to you as I am, but you have to respect my husband, our marriage, our family, and our home. We are happy to have you here, and we appreciate your concern, but we are doing fine."

With the exception of certain concessions towards your mom, keep things as 'normal' as possible. Follow your regular routine. Although you should increase personal time with the spouse and family because your privacy has been compromised. Be especially (not artificially) sensitive to each others needs, and wants (where possible).

Be careful to prepare for future visits to cover your bases, and know what you are going to do ahead of time as a daughter, as a couple, as a family... and as family who has already had mom visit.

I know I told you more than you asked for. I hope you don't mind.

I hope everything works out for all of you, and very soon.

God bless you with a very long and happy marriage,and bless you and your mom, and you and your husband (and your mom and your husband),with relationships that are better than ever from now on.

I hope this helps.

Answer 6

I wouldn't necessarily tell her straight out. Your relationship with your husband is not her business. She may be only suggesting counseling but she is not forcing it up on you both. You need to determine what you and your husband are fighting about and work from there. If added stress is the only cause due to your mother living with you then you both need to talk like adults about compromise and not yelling. I would also try to speed up the process of your mom moving out for your marriage.

Answer 7

I think you should tell her that y'all are under some stress right now and working it out then your mom won't think it is her fault! Good luck!!

Answer 8

Tell her what is up. If the marriage is based on true love, then understanding should be there.

Answer 9

with your husband and your Mom i would bite my lip until it bled jk ... just to keep the peace its temporary so try as best you can good luck

Answer 10

flush her down the potty and that will get rid of her! It worked for me!