2007-03-28 08:12:22 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
In a dark and gloomy room, the fortune teller was startled by what she
saw in her crystal ball. She looked up at her customer, sitting across
the table.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible
death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at
the single flickering candle, then down at her hands....
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know.
She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I get away with it?"
2007-03-28 15:27:30 · answer #1 · answered by SallyJane 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well her is mine,
A lawyer married a woman who had
previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that
be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept
telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never
really sure how it was supposed to function, but he
said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything
checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get
the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew
he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able
to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic
process but wanted three years to research, implement,
and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he
thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was
his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice
product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was
talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at
it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did
was......... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed."
Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night."
She sneaked by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing. "That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises. "Well Mom," she replied, "you always said if it hurt, I should scream."
"You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. "Now why were you laughing?" she asked.
"You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered. "True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.
"Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
"Mom, don't you remember? You always told me to never talk with my mouth full."
How is it ???????
2007-03-29 12:30:20 · answer #2 · answered by King of Hearts 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I already posted the best joke I know check the resolved answers.
2007-03-28 16:09:37 · answer #3 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations.
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:-
Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:-
Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..
2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:-
Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-
No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:-
Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:-
Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-
Is ! the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:-
No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question:-
Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:-
Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:-
Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:-
No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:-
Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:-
No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:-
Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:-
No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:-
Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:-
No it wont. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question:-
Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:-
Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!
Jokes........
1. guest:why does ur dog sit there and watch me eat?
host:i cant imagine unlessits bcoz u have the plate he usually eats from!!!
2. 19 friends went for a movie. on asking them y they came in such a big group of 19. they reflected???that the film was only for above 18!!!
3. fool: i want curtains for my computer.
tailor: why curtains for computer???
fool: i got windows installed on my computer!!!
4. wat is cow?
answer: its a factory that changes grass into milk!!!
5. wat is a snake?
answer: tie of lord shiva!!!
6. wat is a hospital?
answer: its a place where the nurse wakes up the patient for giving the sleeping pill!!!
7. wat is a toilet?
answer: its the most important place for high school students for bunking classes!
!!
2007-03-28 15:44:42 · answer #4 · answered by melovedogs 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Two zero's (00) are walking down the street.
They see an eight (8) coming torts them, one of the zeros turns to the other one and says: " Look at that B**ch isn't she shame full to wear such "tight" skimpy clothes ?!"
hahahahahahahahaha
2007-03-28 20:43:43 · answer #5 · answered by emirator 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh man, the best one I've ever heard is inappropriate so I'll post the second one.
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite." "Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an F in sex.
LOL, ok it's not that funny, but still. And nobody should report me, because it means sex as in "female".
2007-03-28 15:26:17 · answer #6 · answered by ? 7 · 3⤊ 3⤋
It's a dirty joke. It's hilarious. Well, here goes.
There was a man, his wife and his dog. The man really wanted to take his dog and wife fishing. Problem was his wife absolutely hated fishing. So the man goes into the bedroom and says "Honey, let's get the dog and go fishing." The wife sighs and says "You know I hate fishing". The man responds "Well, there are only 2 ways you're going to get out of it, and that's anal or oral" and she looks at him and says "You know which one I'm not going to pick" and he says "that's perfectly ok" so the wife starts going down on the man when suddenly she stops and looks up at him and says "honey, you taste like ****" and he replies "well.... the dog didn't want to go fishing either."
2007-03-28 15:19:08 · answer #7 · answered by Rose 3 · 4⤊ 1⤋
A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.
The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.
Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.
Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you."
"Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready."
He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.
"Who the **** are you?" the man asks
"I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."
The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!"
The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.
"Those little bastards!"
2007-03-28 15:17:09 · answer #8 · answered by rachell ♫ 3 · 5⤊ 0⤋
A termite walks into a bar, jumps up on the bar and yells, "where's the bar tender".
Another one: What's the difference between a refrigerator and a homosexual?
Answer- The refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out.
2007-03-28 17:06:16 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
sorry the best joke I ever heard got me violated for adult content so I can't say it
2007-03-28 15:25:51 · answer #10 · answered by R♥bin 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋