He returned home after living in CA for a few months. At first he was grateful and kind. He had been living without running water, heat, real food, and sleeping on a car part . He dropped out of high school, wants to work doing something mostly illegal & has become very disrespectful. His room is filthy (food on the floor, dirty clothes, tabacco, etc.), he leaves and doesn't call or return for days, & he leaves everything he uses or takes out wherever he drops it. My kitchen is a mess, my house is a wreck. He punched a hole in a wall & his bedroom door while fighting with me & let me know it very easily could have been my face. He has contributed approx. $100/2 weeks but I am buying his food, clothes. He has used my money to buy tobacco and booze behind my back. He promises he's changing. I don't want to throw him out. I want to resolve things. BTW, I am handicapped and mostly wheelchair bound. My bone marrow has gone bad. My time is limited. I need a solution, please.
2007-03-28 07:35:42 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
This will not be what you want to hear but the best thing you can do for your son is have him move out. It's called "tough love" and is the hardest thing you can do but it is the only thing you can really do at this time as he is out of control. That isn't your fault nor can YOU fix your son's problems. I am really sorry to tell you that. Deep down, I suspect you already know that there will be no magic solution to this problem and that the only solution that is workable at this time is his removal from your home. You may have to call the police to have him move. As time goes on, he should get his head on straight but I won't lie to you, it won't be easy for you for a while as he will probably say some horrible things to you and blame you for all of his troubles. After some time alone, he won't have you to blame and may realize that his problem is the person he sees in the mirror.
The best thing you can do is separate homes at this time. Truly. It will be hard but the right choice usually is the hardest.
2007-03-28 07:45:39 · answer #1 · answered by Stefka 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's really time for you to tell him to leave your house.He's using you and abuses you at the same time.
It sounds like he is very violent too and you need to do something about this before he hurts you or worse.You would have a difficult time defending yourself.
Look at the situation:no help cleaning the house or his room,wrecking your home,stealing your money,not contributing to your expenses and you're supplying him with clothes and food not to mention the booze and cigarettes.
I wouldn't put too much stock into him changing in the near future.It won't happen and nothing is going to get resolved.
You HAVE to get him removed from your home for your own safety.
He needs professional help and then this will have a chance to be resolved.You're not doing him any good by enabling him to carry on like this.
Do you have someone who could help you?If he won't leave then call the authorities.Do not let him make you feel guilty.It is not your fault.
You have enough to worry about with your health without worrying over this too.I pray all goes ok for you and for your son too.
2007-03-28 14:58:31 · answer #2 · answered by sonnyboy 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok Mom, especially if you are sick, it can go on like this anymore. Sit down with him and talk it over. Tell him that it's your house and if he doesn't follow the rules, he's out. Where's the Dad if you don't mind me asking? If he's still around, ask for help. Your son or not don't let him get his way in your house. tell him that he can sleep in the garage if he keeps acting that way. If he does illegal stuff, call the cops on him. Show him whos the adult and that you will not take any of his bullcrap. Beeing disrespectful to his own mother, he deserves nothing from you, not even food! He's 18, it's not like he is only 12. He will manage on his own when he doesn't have choice. Right now he probably knows that you won't kick him out, surprise him and one day have his stuff on the porch! I'm sure he won't like this! Good luck and be strong.
Keep me posted, I will get there one day with my own kids, it's scary!!!
2007-03-28 14:54:57 · answer #3 · answered by bubuane2000 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First is he your only son ? If not bring the other son or sons into it. If he is you need to to sit him down and explain to him you love him with all your heart, Well im assuming you do since you wont kick him out, you need to make sure you dont say anything about what you ahve done for him in the past. Or what he has done wrong in the past. Show him what he is living like and show himm what you believe he can be living like. Show him that you are going to help as much as you can but he has to be willing to change. Just change little things too. You said that you buy the foods and etc. Well start buying healthier foods, and clothes for him. Make sure you dont push it on him but make it to where it becomes his idea. Let me know how it works out. I am going to pray for you.
Tim
2007-03-28 14:47:34 · answer #4 · answered by Tim 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow, i'm thinking about what i might do...my son is 18, senior in hs but not mature, likes to party, we had issues with all of that, but when he turned 18, Dad told him all the rules changed, that unless he is being a good citizen of society and our house, he couldn't live here. that made a big difference in his behavior. I have stood between them when my son thought he wanted to hit my husband, his own father, over the past 2 years (age 16/17). I can't imagine what I actually would do in your situation but from an objective perspective, do you think you are doing him any favors by letting him live in your house during your last bit of life creating all the drama between the 2 of you...i would think that would haunt someone the rest of their life after you are gone...also, look at it this way...maybe you pushing him out now since he wants to do so much that is against what you believe is right, will make him grow up more...that's what we keep weighing over our situation...how to make/help him grow up with out him having to experience the real consequences of what he is doing, now that he is 18 all of the rules everywhere in life really do change. I try not to spend too much time trying to figure out "where we went wrong with this one", etc., but think of what I can do to make him realize there is a way better life out there for him than the one he's creating...the finer things in life that he has enjoyed...(food, and a roof overhead) come with a cost that everyone has to pay to have them...counting the cost...consequences of illegal gain; or payment for services rendered (work)...you can have so much more with the second choice...the free meals and cot aren't as appealing as the ones you can buy...
2007-03-28 15:39:22 · answer #5 · answered by sweetie pie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You sound like a wonderful mother but you need to understand that you are being taken advantage of and abused. His punching the wall and telling you it could have been your face is a threat/verbal abuse. I am assuming his father is not in the picture. If he is not, you need to bring in another family member to help you with this situation being that you are in a wheelchair. He does not respect you and may listen to someone that he does. Find that person to help back you up. After you have someone there to be with you when you talk to him, you need to let him know that there are rules to living in your house and if he doesn't like them, he needs to leave. Once you have talked to him, let him know you will be removing him from the house if he breaks any of them. Also let him know that you do not put up with any type of abuse and the next time he wants to deface your house and treaten you, then you will be forced to call the police and have him removed by force. Be firm with your talk. He needs to know you mean business. Be sure to back up what you tell him, if he messes up, make him move, otherwise you are going back on your word and he will know you don't mean what you say. I hope things work out for you but always remember to take care of your own safety first. You do not deserve to suffer for someone else's problems (even if they are family). You deserve respect and you deserve to feel safe in your own home!!
2007-03-28 14:47:38 · answer #6 · answered by shedevilnotunknown 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Time to say, Adios, son. He is an adult, is treating you with disrespect. Tell him to get out... Set a time limit and stick to it, I don't care how much he whines, cries, promises to do better...I suspect he is hooked on drugs (change of personality)...and you do not need this in your life. IF he refuses, call the sheriff and have him removed...Get a restraining order, for he just might come back to rob you. Druggies do some very wierd stuff. THis is not your fault, and it is not your responsibility. Time for Tough Love, Sorry to be so blunt, but you have no recourse. Good luck
2007-03-28 14:41:14 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry for your health. I am sure your son is aware of his behavior and your health issues. Hopefully you have some other family or friends to try to get him under control. I would give him a choice with a dead line (date) he needs to get his act together or get out. I know you love your child but you are not helping him accepting his behavior. After your gone who is going to support and put up with his cra* he will be homeless again. This is not normal. I would not live in fear. Your son has more problems then I think you can handle or resolve he sounds like he is doing more then smoking cigs and drinking. I think you need to get him into AA and do some sort of friend or family intervention.
2007-03-28 14:49:18 · answer #8 · answered by Kat G 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's time for some TOUGH love. He's got to pay the consequences for his lifestyle. Get connected with a shelter type of organziation that specializes in getting men on their feet - I have a friend who sent their son to one of those places and he's going great 1 year later. WHOA - this is YOUR house - YOUR money - and who is in control here? Him, if he refuses to get into a program - then sakoorah! Sienara! What he's doing to you is worse than him living on the street. He's obviously not changing and playing YOU like a fiddle. Your time may be limited but it's not to late to play tough - that's the only way.
2007-03-28 14:43:50 · answer #9 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Letting him treat you and your belongings like that is not helping him grow up. You have to throw him out to help him become a man.
If he says he's going to change, let him demonstrate that by:
1) cleaning up the mess he's made
2) fixing the wall he broke
3) getting a job of some kind
4) keeping regular hours.
Give him some specific amount of time to work on these things and let him know that if he doesn't, he's out.
2007-03-28 14:42:20 · answer #10 · answered by LW 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋