HELP!!! My Family Is Falling Apart?

Question

My husband and I are young and we have 2 young children ( 4 & 2 ) We got married a year ago and moved to a new state around the same time so I've been rather isolated since then ( so I have no friends here to help ). My daughter who is 4 has just been killin me over the last year. She never listens anymore she draws on everything and she breaks everything even her own stuff. I take away her stuff but then she destroys are stuff. Then my husband he doesn't deal with it well so now I find myself yelling all the time and we never have any fun anymore. I kinda resent my husband for not helping me because between the breaking of stuff and people leaving there things everywhere and no one picking up after themselves all I ever feel I'm doing is getting mad at the kids and cleaning. I want them to have fun and enjoy life but as time goes on its just getting worse. I love my family so much but im at the point where I don't know how much more I can take of this fighting.

Now I noticed some things in the answers and IM NOT TRYIN TO ACT LIKE A CHILD. Its just after 2 days of me asking and doing time outs and taking away toys it gets really frustrating so yes I start yelling. Either I'm going to yell or break down in tears because no one listens to me. I ask my husband and its just ya ya later. I like the idea about the vacation but thats the thing I have no one to watch the kids and not enough money to really go anywhere so that would be hard but a nice though. I know I should probably get time from the kids maybe it would help me deal better but at this point its really not an option. I need to know how to get through to my daughter and my husband too. He figures since he works and I don't he doesn't have to do anything. All I ask of him is to pick up after himself (dishes, clothes in the hamper) that sorta thing oh and once a week garbage (I wouldn't think thats too much) I just feel if he did his jobs & the kids would do there's life would be better.

Answer 1

I pretty much skimmed thru the answers you got and you've got a lot of ideas here. I'm not sure I can add much, altho if I had seen this when u first posted it I might have come up with something original. But it's hard to do that when you read everyone else's replies first.

I think you should "comb" through these answers and try to pick the ideas that you think would be most workable for you.

The one thing I will say . . . if your children do not experience consequences for their bad behavior, you are to blame. If your child destroys things, hers or anyone else's, she needs to suffer the consequences. It sounds to me like she has an intense anger issue. I wonder if she picks that up from you? You sound so angry and frustrated, I just wonder if she picks that up from you. I am NOT assigning blame here.

Your spouse seems to have a "role" issue. He expects you to do the kid stuff and house stuff and he earns the money. This isn't fair because it sounds like he CAN come home and forget his job. You cannot forget yours. I agree with the poster who said he needs to help.

You seem almost completely overwhelmed. You have said you are isolated. No friends back home you can call? No sisters or sisters-in-law who have kids? NOBODY? Or are you afraid to reach out? Are you afraid you will look like a bad mom, bad wife, bad housekeeper, etc.?

I think every woman in your situation goes through some piece of this, maybe most or all of them. I would ask for advice from friends, near or close, right now.

Answer 2

First things first: you say that you are feeling isolated in this new place. I can't imagine having a 4 year old and 2 year old in the house or even just in the yard all day without an adult to talk to. Can you possibly find a playgroup to get involved in? Other moms who have kids around the same age - cheap because the outings are just down to a nearby park or even to McDonald's for lunch.
Get involved in church, ask if there are playgroups there. Volunteer to babysit during the service in Sunday School and then you have your children in the nursery and you get to meet other moms and their kids.
You have to be creative but you have to bundle the kids up, get them in the stroller and get out of the house and do something. This has the added advantage that you aren't at home watching them mess up the house too.
Get rid of things that are broken right away. That means just throwing them in the trash. Don't replace them right away; you're daughter can play with what is available. Sooner or later, she will see that she has to be careful not to break things she really likes.
Go to the library and take your kids to all the organized activities the library has for kids (they usually involve reading out loud or story telling). That's also a way to meet other mothers. When you meet another mother who has a child your child's age, ask if she wants to come over for a cup of coffee and have the kids play together in the yard. Soon, she might return the favor and maybe you can babysit for each other taking turns watching each other's child.
I think all the fighting is going on because the kids left behind an environment where they knew people and the neighborhood and they still haven't adjusted either.
Soon they will be preschool and kindergarten age and you will be meeting those same mothers from playgroups at school. So get started getting to know them now. I really really hope they are a nice bunch of moms because moms always need friends.
Trade DVDs and videos with other moms if you can and it will save you money so you don't have to rent them (although some libraries have kids videos that you can check out....)
Little kids are not likely to pick up after themselves. It's kind of an uphill battle but they will learn eventually.
You say your husband doesn't deal well with all of this. He's not unlike a lot of men who would never choose to be a woman and do what you are doing right now. His job may stress him enough that all he wants to do is be taken care of himself.
All you can do is keep saying the same thing until it sinks in. Or until the kids get older and better at taking care of their things.

Answer 3

I know what you're going through. About 7 years ago, my fiance wanted to move to NY state to be closer to his family. I have a really good relationship with my family and always knew that they'd be there for me no matter where I lived. The problem was my fiance's family. Talk about a bunch of self-centered people. All they cared about was trying to get something for free from us. I hated the whole experience. If I complained about being lonely, my fiance would say, go make friends. Like I was supposed to go and stand on the porch and beg people to 'play with me'. I had a young daughter that was home and I didn't think I could work. Luckily, I found a good daycare and got a part time job. I got to meet people and had some friends. It made it a lot easier. As far as your daughter, I'm sure that it started out as a transition problem. Children don't handle change very well. But at this point, it's time to put your foot down. I also have a 5 year old who's daddy loves to spoil, but someone needs to be the parent. So I stepped up. Especially with a younger one that is picking up all the little tricks of the trade. (By the way, we did end up moving back by my family. My fiance threatened to stay in NY but he crumbled when I started packing. LOL)

Answer 4

First of all chill out. Ok your daughter won't listen, your husband is not helping, you just got married and just moved and you have no friends where you are. This is a bummer it is true. My advice is to first of all decide what is more important right now. The mess? probably not. Your daughter? Yes. Your daughter is probably breaking things because she feels that she needs some attention. I am not saying this to make you feel guilty in any way. Kids are funny if you used to read them a bedtime story and then stopped for some reason they can interpret that as no attention so try not to feel guilty.
So first things first. Try to make wake up time pleasant. Maybe you could crawl in bed with them and tell them how much you love them and how much you want to be with them today. This might take some time before they accept what is going on but it will work. Then if you have cleaning to do do it with them. If you have wash to do get them to help sort out the clothes. If you have yard work to do take them outside. Try not to get frustrated if they make mistakes or don't do it perfectly they are kids. If the kids need to clean their room do it at the end of the day after they have finished playing. Try once a week to have a craft day. These are all examples of how to get the kids involved. Try to stop yelling. If your daughter does break something or throw something tell her you will take away one of her toys for everything she breaks and then do it. Find a place that you canlock and she cannot get into. Tell her if she can go x amount of days (keep it simple) without throwing a temper tantrum she can have that toy back. If you end up taking all her toys then give them back one by one. During all this you need to remember to reward her. If you have no money you can reward her with wild flowers that you picked or some kind of simple craft that you make. YOu can take beans and glue them on paper that has a heart and says I love you. These are just examples. On to the husband.
My husband is a slob. A major slob. I must be calm though because although this is my house it is his house too. If he wishes to be a slob that is his choice. I am a housewife but I still have to work around this guy. I will tell you how bad it is. He uses toothpicks to clean his teeth. Instead of throwing them away he throws them on the floor and expects EXPECTS me to clean it up. Ok. I do only I put them in his headphones, or stick some in his keyboard and suddenly he uses the keyboard and prick he gets stuck. He learned. If your hubby is only doing this with his clothes just sweep his clothes into a pile and leave them there explaining he is an adult and knows where to put dirty clothes.
I am sorry this is so long winded I hope it helps a little.

Answer 5

Seeker says its a normal stage but it's not I broke something at that age and I got my rear end blistered.Guess what ? I didn't do it again. There's ways to be creative without being destructive. Also she is acting out because kids have a sense of knowing things aren't right between mom and dad. When dad comes home take the car leave him with the kids and spend some quality alone time.There are plenty of ways to take vacations without money or babysitters.Picnics are nice so are days at the lake,go fishing or something take a trip to a library. If hubby won't give up car go for a walk. Everybody needs some alone time.
You may think it crude to spank children but I was and I turned out alright. Kids aren't adults and shouldn't be treated as such they need discipline if they mind when talked to then no spanking needed. Discipline can come in many forms and fashions. Even your hubby needs some discipline. Leaving him alone with the kids may be punishment enough.

Answer 6

well, i read through the answers that have already been submitted, and most of them are good, in that they suggest that you need some adult companionship. but first there is something you need to do:

GET HOLD OF YOURSELF!

calm down. take it down several notches. ok?

now, the next thing you need to do, is to quit yelling at your kids. i discovered many, many years ago that that does nothing to fix the problem and it gives you a headache and makes you tired. and then you turn around and the kids are still doing the thing you were yelling at them for. preschoolers are famous for doing things to get on your last nerve. the thing is, they don't know they are getting on your last nerve until you blow up! they are just being kids. and if you as a mom don't direct their energy, then it is naturally going to get carried to the point that they are breaking things and writing on walls. they are not born knowing how to be little house keepers. and they shouldn't be. that's why your are the mom. but this is the age that you start teaching the 4-year-old to help you to pick up her things and put them away--calmly. the two-year-old is only in charge of wanting to be fed and loved at this point, and if you are going to be a stay at home mom, that is your job. if you can get the older one to help, the younger one will see what she is doing and learn from that.

as for your husband, i know he has a job, but does he really come home and sit down and do nothing? if he does, i have a suggestion for that, as well. when he comes home from work, sit down and tell him that you understand that he works hard, but so do you. he may work for 8 hours a day, but your work seems as if it never ends. tell him firmly but gently that you need some help and ask if he would consider the following: when he gets home from work, he may take 1 hour to rest, take a nap, watch tv, whatever, but after that time, he is to help you take care of the kids, and help get after dinner dishes washed and put away, and take out trash (and i hope more than once a week. that's just not sanitary). when you get that message across, tell him that you need two hours two days a week to go out by yourself, whether its shopping or for a long walk, or just to sit on a bench and watch people.
(but no bars--please don't ever add alcohol to an already tense situation.) if he goes along with all of this, repay his consideration by letting him go out twice a week for two hours each trip. then on his days off, take a family outing. go to a museum, the library, an outdoor concert, a barbecue, etc. let him know that you would be interested in meeting the families of some of the people he works with. at no time while you are talking to him are you allowed to whine or cry or yell. if he doesn't listen this time. wait a week and try again from a different angle. but don't give up. you are his WIFE not his slave. you should be respected and treated as his equal.

You have got to stop the yelling. it accomplishes nothing and only makes the situation more heated. and i don't care what anyone says, don't spank your kids for this behavior. it is only going to make them resenful. also remember that they don't understand the source of you being upset. they just see mad mommy and get scared.

Answer 7

All u need is talk to him quietly as grown ups, u can't be kids as parents for kids, since u have a family u need to talk in order for life to go on, just take it easy first , take a deep breath, and discuss it with your husband, and at the same time thereis no point on pouring your anger on your kids they have nothing to do with what u feel, and besides its her age ( your daughter) to draw and break , its building her creativity, and u should lead her energy and power in the right direction, so the solution to this is to be calm and talk it over and , i am sure everything would go well and your familly would be the greatest, good luck:)

Answer 8

Take a deep breath, and see about taking a vacation, just you. See about having the kids stay with a trusted friend/relative and just go and have that fun, you so desire. Include your husband if you like.

When Momma's not happy, nobody's happy.

Also, if finances permit, see about getting marriage counseling, that can always help patch things up with the romance that's lacking in your life, and can also help when parenting issues arise.

Your kids need you, but they don't need you to be stressed, frazzled and depressed. Go take care of yourself.

Answer 9

I think i know what you are feeling.However,you should be very careful.It is very hard though,but it is gradual.Let them not get to you and turn you to a mad dog.Keep trying to discuss with your husband what the effect this is having on you.Meanwhile see it as your responsibility for the time being to clear after your husband until he understands not to add to your trouble.However,about your children,you have to try very hard to 'show' them it is their duty to be obedient.If you give in now,it might be difficult to make it better.

Answer 10

I understand what you are going through, it took me throwing a temper tantrum to get everyone in our house to take responsibility for themselves. Now they pick up after themselves, help clean up after a meal. Share a part in the household chores, and things are much better. You have to demand it, otherwise they think that you are happy taking care of everything for them