how do i cope on sat my daughter married someone with a history of mistreatment and verbal abuse?

Question

The first time they broke up he went ballistic.She was 25.He yelled abusively, threw things & terrified her.During the next 2 years she got late night stalking phone calls.She went to have them stopped as the callers # was being blocked, but was told she would have to go to the sheriff. She told us she was sure it was the old boyfriend.(Recognized his voice)A year later they reunited - a time when 9 of her friends were either getting married or engaged. She does not like confrontations & is very smart, but has no common sense. I have found out his parents divorced because of the fathers mistreatment of the mother.He has no respect for his mom/ or women. I was a horrible mom of the bride & feel enormous guilt. it is her life, etc. but if you see your child ready to touch a hot iron you yell STOP & that is all i tried to do. i failed. Even after being presented w/ evidenceof a history of mistreatment in his family. i got thru the wedding on Xanex but in the end i mistreated her.HELP

Answer 1

I'm terribly sorry and this may be the hardest thing you ever have to hear, but....there is nothing you can do.

You have raised a girl into a woman and she can make her own choices. They may be bad choices and when he does something, you can call the cops and have them arrest him for domestic violence. But if she doesn't press charges often the state won't continue it on their own.

She is a grown woman though and is free to make her own choices based on what she thinks is best for her--no matter how much you know she is wrong, no matter how you can see the mistake this is.... she is young and in love and your words will now just drive your daughter from you. What she needs is your love and support. She will need to know that you will be there for her and will help her always. But most abused women leave the

30% of women presenting with injuries to the emergency department had injuries caused by battering.
Every 9 seconds a woman is physically abused by her husband.
Between 1/3 and 1/2 of all adult women are beaten by their husbands or lovers at some time in their lives.
The average woman in the battered women's shelter goes back to her husband 7 times before she leaves him permanently.

Those stats are very difficult to hear. A lot more women are abused than you think and you probably know someone in an abusive relationship. You are not alone. However, until she decides its "too bad" or she has a child and it's not just her life anymore--until she decides to stand up for herself....there is nothing you can do.

Love her, support her. But don't trash her husband or tell her she should leave him. Tell her what you think and let her know your opinion but after that let it lie. If you continue to show concern, and encourage her to leave him, all she will hear is you bashing her husband and her life. You will end up losing her.

If I were you, I'd seek individual counseling, if you can afford it. It will give you an opportunity to vent your frustration, your feelings of inadequacy, and her endangering her own life. Without risking destroying your relationship right when she needs you.

Answer 2

What's done is done.
It would be good if you could talk your daughter into seeing a counselor. There are good free or low cost ones in your town, usually partically funded privately & United Way. See if you can find her one.

She needs to find out why she thinks so little of herself that she would allow this kind of treatment. You see, we teach people how to treat us.

Understand that you did NOT fail. The morals & principles that you instilled in your daughter are in there someplace. They've just gotten way-laid along her path. But they will again surface. Thing is, you don't want something tragiclly to happen to your daughter first.
I have lost a child. The pain is IMMENSE. No mother should have to feel this.
PLEASE see if you can get your daughter to seek help. Just do it gingerly. The more you speak against this man, the further you will drive her from you to him.

Hang in there, Mom. Being a parent, NEVER ends.

Answer 3

Well I went through the same with my boyfriend/fiance', he's in a facility now, but all I can say is to keep doin what you're doing, obviously your daughter doesn't have problem with him just try to be happy for her, It'll be hard but just try to be nice, approach her in a different manner the next time you have a problem.