Okay, it seems that my 17 year old(will be 18 next month) has gotten back into a relationship with a boy that we forbid her to see. We found out after her grades droped to d's and f's. This kid has been kicked out of school for smoking pot twice, has disrespected my husband, and I on many occassions with his smart mouth. My daughter left home, and a teacher called us to let us know that she's moved in with this boy, and his family. My husband gently packed up the rest of her stuff, and since my daughter won't take our calls, a friend came got her things. We now have her mustang up for sell. This school teacher wants us to have a sit down with this boy, and his parents to try, and work through this. In my opinion we don't owe these people anything. They have no respect, or regard for us a parents, or they wouldn't aide my daughter in defying her parents. This boy will get off the dope, and then he's back again. Now, we found out he quit school...
2007-03-28 06:11:55 · 17 answers · asked by ks 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Are we doing the right thing by standing by are rules, and opinion toward this guy?
2007-03-28 06:12:35 · update #1
We have sent messages via the teacher to let her know that we love her, and can come home as long as she obeys our rules. If she does come home the mustang is still history.
2007-03-28 07:01:43 · update #2
You're not obligated to participate in a'rescue mission' related to this boy. He has parents, so it's their responsibility. Your daughter picked a loser- let's hope tough love brings her to a new level of maturity before she ends up pregnant.
2007-03-28 06:17:32 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 2⤋
She's a teenage girl...she's going to defy you and do EXACTLY what you tell her she can't, if for no other reason but because she thinks she can! She's underage...wether she turns 18 next month or not...go get her and bring her home, but give her a LITTLE bit of freedom (reverse psychology)....maybe you and your husband should go and meet his parents and try to get to know him a little bit. I'm in NO WAY taking up for this kid...I think he's heading down a dead end road and taking your daughter with him, but at least maybe you can get her home and allow them to see each other under your supervision. And hopefully soon, she'll open her eyes and realize he's no good for her. I'd tell her that he can see her at the house, but no dates until her grades come up. I honestly think this is just a phase...that a lot of teen girls and boys go through! You don't owe him or his parents anything, but you do owe it to yourselves and your daughter! Maybe what he needs is the example of good parents that love their child and it doesn't sound like he gets that! This may be a great kid that's just had no direction in life...maybe if his parents were more like you then he would not be here at this stage in his life....maybe you and your husband should take him in and get him off drugs and back in school!
2007-03-28 13:57:01 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
The hard thing to do is swallow ones pride. To swallow ones rules. You should not have to do that. You should try to work things out with your daughter. I do not give to hoots about his family or him.
But this is your daughter. She is mixed up and if you turn your back on her it will only tell her that what these people say about you is right.
You should not have to lower your self or give up what you feel is right. You should sit down with them and tell her that since this is her choice. You will always be her parents and will always be there if she needs you. But you do not ever have to play the game she wants you to play.
tell her she is welcome to come back home but with out him. Tell her she can always call and visit any time. And that you hope she chooses to do that. Though it will be a very long time before that happens. Tell her you love her that is the most important thing. Do not say things like He disrespected you or your husband. do not say things like he is a drug addict. do not say any thing accusingly. do not bad mouth him or his family in any way.
Now see this will eventually show that you are the adults.
You showed her by forbidding the relationship. You showed her you were mean. You bad mouthed him. he is misunderstood. your not willing to work things out. This is how she is feeling.
Show her you can be calm and reasonable by staying calm and never judging him or his family.
This is the hardest thing you will ever do. The more you say horrible things about him and his family will seal this bond they have with her.
the more you attack and try to get your point across will seal this hold over her. Prove to her and this other family you can love her and be there for her. stay calm and stay to the ground. if she comes over he has to behave himself. if he does not ask her to take him home. if he behaves himself thank him for the nice visit. even though you are seething inside.
he may actually change probably not but he may. this will give your daughter the chance to see him as you see him. Being a mom who is going through this and mom who as a child did as your daughter did. I can tell you there is not a better way to go about it.
2007-03-28 13:36:13 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
What a terrible situation for your family. First, make sure you let your daughter know you love her and when she needs you please call. She will be 18 next month, so there is really not a lot you can do, unfortunately. If she won't take your calls, maybe you could give the counselor at the school a letter to give to her. Make sure it is a loving letter, not an all these bad things are going to happen to you letter. Make sure she knows you will take her back when/if she gives up on that guy.
Good luck!
2007-03-28 13:27:02 · answer #4 · answered by fab 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
All I can say is that you're losing your daughter in order to be right. I get that she's with a total loser, but all teenage girls pick a loser at some point. I fell for a car theif at her age. My mom hated him, but never said anything. One day I looked at him in a new light, realized what he was and what I'd become if I stayed with him, and I dumped him. Years later I asked my mom, why didn't you ever say anything? Why didn't you try to put a stop to it? She said Oh honey if I had said a word you would have run off with that no good SOB just to prove I was wrong about him and you. I had to let you figure it out for yourself. And you know, she was dead on right.
My point with that being, you've already driven her to him by forbiding the relationship. Teenagers are prone to cutting off their nose to spite their parents. She's determined to show you she's an adult now and prove you don't know squat. Any attempt you make at telling her he's wrong for her, or trying to force her to come home now will only drive her to him even harder. Best thing you can do at this point is back away but let her know that when she is ready she can come back home. I mean, do you really want to make her feel as if she is no longer welcome and loved at home? That's what you're doing by selling her car and packing her bags. If that's what you do, then when the day comes that she looks at him and says, this was a mistake, she's going to feel like she has to stay with him because she can't go home.
2007-03-28 13:25:48 · answer #5 · answered by Jadalina 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
if you sit down and talk with this boy and his family, you would not be doing something for his parents OR for him -- you would be doing it for the sake of your daughter.
your daughter is at an impressionable age, and is likely torn between her womanly side, and her childlike side. it's a difficult age for many. she wants her freedom, but perhaps still needs some guidance. many conflicting thoughts and feelings at her age.
you are not wrong nor right for disallowing your daughter to see this boy before she moved out... it was your decision, your home, and i'm apt to believe our kids need to follow our rules...
it would seem at this point that you and your husband might want to let your daughter know you love her, even though you don't agree with her decision. i'm sure she loves you, too.
It doesn't matter if the boy or his parents have respect or regard for you. How do YOU feel about yourself? THAT is what matters....
I realize this is a heart-breaking situation, and although you're upset and probably angry over it all, try to think of your daughter's feelings.... you don't have to pretend you agree with her decisions, but it might help if you try to be accepting of this current situation. Arguing and fighting won't help, either....
I'm sure that in time (and maybe less time than you think) your daughter will come around, and may even break it off with this boy?
We don't know what is going to happen in the future, and our kids are very precious and dear to us. It would be hard for any parent to let their 17 year old daughter go and do what she wants to, but sometimes we don't have another choice.
you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. take care of YOU, and i hope it all works out very soon.
2007-03-28 13:26:41 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately it sounds like your hands are tied in the situation since she has closed the door to communication with you. You could try to sit down and talk things out with her but it sounds like you both have come to a stand off. Neither side wants to give in and "lose" the battle. I understand and sympathize with your position, and saw it happen when I was in high school. Unfortunately, with teenage angst and emotions and hormones running wild he has become the forbidden fruit to her. My sis-in-law got herself pregnant years ago under the same circumstances. Mom and dad did not approve of the boy she was seeing - he was "misunderstood" by adults in her opinion - she got pregnant and thought that everybody would see what a wonderful guy he was - he took off because he was not ready for the responsibility. Try to talk things through with her, try to listen to what she is saying and see if there is any middle ground that you two can reach to build a foundation on.
2007-03-28 20:02:01 · answer #7 · answered by hr4me 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're not wrong for standing your ground and sticking by your rules...however, your daughter must see something in this guy even if you see him as a loser. The more you forbid her from seeing him, the more she will see him! (That's why she's living with him now.) Teenagers tend to push the limits as much as they can. I'm not that much older (I'm 21) so I know a little bit about that. I know that when I was her age all I wanted is for my parents to feel as if they understood me and cared about my feelings. Have you tried to sit down and have a nice long talk with your daughter and explain to her how you feel about this boy and why you don't want her to be with him? Making demands will only push her away farther. If you open your heart up to her you will get through to her better. Tell her how you feel without accusing or repremanding her and listen to how she feels. I know that you feel like you don't owe them anything, but maybe if you took the teacher up on his or her offer and sat down and had a heart-to-heart talk then maybe you guys might come up with a compromise. After all, she's your daughter and your daughter is worth it. Passing the blame or accusing each other of being the one who is wrong will only make thing worse (trust me, I know.) Just continue to be there for your daughter, showing her love and support even if she doesn't want it. If you give up on her now then you might not ever get her back. She wants to know and feel like you guys care about her, and yes, it is possible to love and care for your daughter and set rules for her at the same time. She may be the hard-headed one, but giving up on her is not the answer. Give her all the time she needs...if this guy truely is as bad as you make him sound, then she will eventually realize it (even if she has to learn the hard way.) Teenagers tend to have to learn from their own mistakes rather than listening to what other people demand from them. Your daughter will soon be 18 years old and responsible for herself, and the last thing you want to do is beak all tyes with her before she turns 18. You don't want to make her feel alone, if you do she will just go right back to this boy or even a different boy in order to feel like someone understands her. Just give her some time, and I think it would be best if you did sit down and try to compromise...it may be difficult but it's better than losing your daughter.
2007-03-28 13:28:45 · answer #8 · answered by happy hippy 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Your child is 17 still you have every right to go bring her butt back home. You love your daughter very much and even though she is viewing it as your destroying her life in the long run she will thank you. Your daughter does not need a low life pot smoking non-educated guy. She is way better than this and you have raised her better than this. Good Luck.. You will do the right thing if you go with your heart.
2007-03-28 13:20:16 · answer #9 · answered by true2b 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
She is going to be more adamant about doing something you are forbidding her to do. I was the same way. Instead of being so negative maybe you should try to support her decision and let her make her own mistakes. She has to learn them someday right.... As for his parents "aiding" her in defying you...they're really not they are just helping her do what she feels is right even though you don't believe so..... Open your mind and actually get to know the kid rather than judging him on what you think you know about him.
2007-03-28 13:19:02 · answer #10 · answered by Dana S 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
yes u are. unfortunatly i am a daughter 18 years of age with the exact same problem and i wish i never disrespected my parents like that but it seems he is cpntrolling her and keeping her away from yall. i am in the same situation and unfortunatly this guy got me pregnant.we are still together but he is very controlling and i thank my parents for being strict even tho i used to get in fights with them. i got into pot and cocaine and this guy is not the guy for her but i cant say anything cuz i am still with the same type of guy she is with.i quit school as well. hopefully she wont follow his steps like i did with mine.good luck
2007-03-28 13:18:47 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋