i want to have closure with my three dying family members but they won't let me in?

Question

i had elected to disconnect with my parents and brother some years ago because i was always deemed the bad kid and a mistake. i never ever stoped loving these people, however had to disconnect to try and live a reasonalbe happy life. my parents are dying and do not want me to contact them, and my brother needs a liver transplant. they have assured me that the attorney will contact me when all is final. how can they be so selfish when all i want is to ensure the fact that i love all of them dearly, and deeply. i am 50 years old and a lot of time has passed with not much left. when they die it will be the end of my family. i'm dying inside and beside myself. someone help!

Answer 1

I feel so bad about your situation ...... very heartbreaking to say the least.
In my mind the only thing you can do is go see them. The reason I say this is because the kind of feelings your family is dealing with are hidden behind a mask of anger and resentment. Over a long period of time we just learn , when there is no way to resolve issues that hurt us , to build a wall between us and the source of that pain. As you did when you left but the distance only allows that wall to remain in tact and grow bigger. It's much more difficult to maintain that wall when you're face to face with the people involved. Especially for your parents , knowing they will soon be gone. In their heart of hearts they wouldn't want to leave things this way.
Since time is very important , my advice is just go to them. Find a way to see them and tell them how you feel, that you still love them . You need to see them face to face. Standing back and asking permission just won't do in this situation.It won't be easy as they will not be prepared for your visit . Just tell them you had to come. Don't get stuck in an awkward moment but instead focus on why you're there.Ask that they please just give you a few moments of their time ,from what I've read , you need to try. Remember , what's past is past , try not to get into any specific instances about it , just say how you feel today.
They may reject you at first , so be prepared but if you are persistant , chances are they will come around. If they don't then at least you can go on in your life knowing you tried your best to make things right between you.
I truly hope that everything will work out positivley for you and your family but if they don't then do whatever it takes to forgive them and yourself so that you can heal and move on. You can only take resonsability for your own actions ... whatever comes of this , they are resonsible for theirs.
I wish you all the best .... be strong ! : )

Answer 2

hi -- it's sad how family can grow apart. i have the same issues.

i was wondering, as i read your question, whether your parents have a minister or priest... or if they are under Hospice care? If so, could you contact someone to speak in your behalf, and to let them know you love them, and would like some positive closure and an opportunity to see them. It's just a thought, and sometimes others can really be of great help -- especially a minister or hospice care worker, who have seen and dealt with this sort of situation before...

same for your brother....

If all else fails, perhaps you could send each a card or letter before their death, letting them know how you feel. this might give YOU closure.

sending hugs and love your way... i truly hope your family comes around for you.

Answer 3

I, too, have family members that I don't deal with, because it was very unhealthy for my state of mind. Remember, you did what you did to be happy. I am sorry you are going through this and I think you are feeling guilty. Just because you haven't had a relationship, doesn't mean you didn't love your family. You just did what you did to protect your sanity. Do you have someone in your family or maybe a friend who could be an intermediary for you.

Maybe a counselor could help you deal with your feelings as well.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Sounds like forgiveness is needed all around this situation. Have you forgiven them for the way they made you feel when you were younger? So, now they have chosen to reject you because you "disconnected" for many years. Have they forgiven you? Doesn't sound like it. Can you forgive them for rejecting you? Can you forgive yourself for disconnecting from them? It sure gets tangled doesn't it? You may have to live with their decision.

Answer 5

You ask, "how can they be so selfish?" Sounds like you were selfish in cutting them off in the first place. You did not think through the consequesnces of YOUR decision. Now you expect them to welcome you with open arms.

If you apologize and admit what you did wrong, they will open the door. Do not blame them and make excuses why you did what you did. They are waiting for you to own up to your stuff.