My MIL is affectionate towards me in front of my husband but speaks bad on my back?

Question

I know my MIL hates me but doesn’t say it directly. She will criticize some other lady (whom I don’t even know) but on similar issues which are between me and her. My FIL and SIL will add their harsh comments to that. I know their indication is towards me. They don’t say it directly so that if I tell my husband they will say that they were talking about someone else and I am misunderstanding them. She is very possessive about her son. She makes me feel that their bond is much stronger and that he loves her more than he loves me. Maybe this is true because my husband will never see any fault in his mom’s actions and wants to do whatever she wants irrespective of my wishes. When I tell him about their comments about me, he will not be annoyed by them.
This time when they visited us I overheard my MIL criticizing every little thing about me to my FIL on my back. Now I have no doubt left that she is spreading a bad image of me among the relatives.
On the last day of their stay I confronted them. They did not accept what they said about me and on the contrary blamed me that I was making stories. They said that they might be talking about someone else and I assumed that they were talking about me. They said that they always think of my welfare and I am so unthankful. They even blamed me that I am breaking the house. Now my worry is that they will convince my husband that whatever I heard was about someone else, they love me and I am the one who wrong. My husband has blind faith in them. They can easily create misunderstanding between both of us. I am getting sick thinking about all this.I know my husband loves me a lot. I just want him to stand up for me in front of his parents and trust me because I have never lied to him and I am not wrong. Please advice what should I do. I understand he feels too pressurized from both the sides and he is too emotional to hurt anybody’s feelings. But if I don’t tell him about all this he will not understand my point of view and they will take him to their side. Also suggest how should I handle my relationship with my MIL. My FIL always insists that I should keep talking to them on phone but I am not doing so because I am reminded of the past bitter moments whenever I talk to my MIL. Should I still call them?

Answer 1

I would limit the phone calls. Do not stop all together as then that would be an issue that you are mad. I would keep conversations light and not go into details about your life or marriage. When she asks say nothing new everything is fine. She is your mil not your mother. I would work on your marriage not that you have a problem but the time I spent with my husband would not be talking about his parents. You are right but, you want to win the battle or the war? The better bond you and your husband have and less they know the better off you are. Stop trying to show them you are a good person as it's not you. This woman talks about everyone behind there back what dose that say about her? The more you show that you are not interested in the gossip & don't let her get under your skin it will start to stop. She likes getting a reaction out of you. Your husband will see what she is doing. The closer you get and make it a point it's both of you he will come around give it some time. Good Luck

Answer 2

Your mother in law likely can't accept the fact that her precious son has left the nest.. so she clings, and is annoying, and sticks her nose in where it doesn't belong.

You are in the midst of drama queens and toxic personalities.

There is no use complaining to your husband. It's best to take care of our own issues, as individuals and as adults.

I don't see why your husband 'takes sides'.... most men would just ignore it and go about their business....

You don't have to call them. If they make you uncomfortable, just go about your own life... you seem to be allowing them to control your mood and feelings and the relationship you have with your husband.

And by discussing the mother in law's back-stabbing to death, you are giving her "bait" to continue.

I think the best thing to do is not react, don't even comment anymore. That is probably what your MIL needs to continue the drama. If she calls you, you can be personable and kind, but if she tries to discuss your personal business or life, change the subject or tell her you have a pot on fire in the kitchen and have to hang up!

I am sure you have your own family and good friends... depend upon them for good relationships, and to hell with what your mother in law thinks... it's not worth the stress!

take care of YOU.

Answer 3

I had this problem. My husband would NEVER take my side when his parents were overstepping their bounds with me. It never got any better, my dear. Finally, I took control of the problem. I refused to go to their home, I didn't talk to them on the phone and I let HIM deal with "why". I put it all on his shoulders. They got the message, but it never changed a thing for 20 years. I feel sorry for you. Godloveya.

Answer 4

words can hurt of course. but i dont find anything in your details that are worth worrying over. if everyone seems concerned about yours and your husbands welfare, feelings and being nice in front of you. so you 'think' theyre talking behind your back....what has actually happened about rumor?
i mean i hear the pot stirring here, but whats cooking? nothing. just be happy that everyone has concerned for your welfare and kind to you in your presence. take on a new outlook. peace

Answer 5

My mother did this same thing to my wife....your story sounds identical!!! Unfortunately for my wife i really did not see it for quite a few years and the little bit i did notice i felt my wife over reacted to. In our case my wife simply shut her mouth and ignored it as best she could. (mind you....she was the one bending over backwards to make sure my family got to see our kids and so forth!)
Eventually my mother got so brazen about her opinions she started sharing her true feelings with me. I'd say around our 8th or 9th year of marrige the wool was finally pulled from my eyes and i made it VERY clearly known to my mother that her behaivior was unacceptable and she had better treat MY wife with more respect if she wanted to keep her relationship with ME on good terms.
The respect in all directions from all family members has grown steadily ever since so in our case it worked out well.

Be careful in your situation! Your MIL is TRYING to drive a wedge between you and your husband! She does not purposfully try to hurt her son (which is what she is doing by screwing with his wife and his marrige) but she cannot help but compete for his affection. Remember...she had his attention and affection for quite a few years before you came along. Try not to fall into that competition trap along with her.
You can never win a confrontation with her or any of your other in-laws in my opinion. I know it stinks but only your hubby can truely win in those situations for now. (there is enough mutual respect between my wife and mother now that they can have meaningful arguments)
Her words cannot hurt you. Unless your hubby or "imediate" (in your own house) family is buying into any of this slander then forget the old bag.
You have more power then you think! She may think she can run hers and all of her childrens lives but your house is yours! Run it as you see fit and however works best for you and your husband and whenever she brings up something she doesn't like it only makes her look bad if you and hubby are content and happy for the most part.
Be patient with your hubby. It's hard to see the wrong in the ones we love and this goes doubly for our mommy's.
He should not be forced into being a good husband or a good son by either of you at the expence of the other.
In some ways this his his fight and in others it's your fight. Let him pick and choose his fights and when they occur.
Start your fight right now! Kill the in-laws with kindness, schedule them right out of your lives as much as possible then make a point to be the ones to include them back into it and let them know in subtle ways that YOU are the one who controls that aspect! Get family pictures taken of you and your smiling husband every year and send them a fresh 10x12 each time! Show off everything good in your imidiate family's lives every chance you get. She only wants to see the negatives so the more she sees how well you and the hubby are doing the more spiteful it will make her untill your hubby finally see's what she is doing! I know it sounds corny but the more positive you put into this situation will truely combat the negative. (word of warning though...this really will make her step up her negativity and it could get way ugly)

One last thing....you do not need anyone else to understand your point of view....you know what the real deal is...now arm yourself with a posotive attitude and go to war with the biggest smile you can manage!

Answer 6

I wouldnt call them or spend any time with them at all. They are his parents and his people...to hell with them. Concentrate more on your relationship with your hubby because most likely he will never stand up to them on your behalf.

Answer 7

Don't give them the satisfaction. Let them make amends. You don't have to endure the back biting for anyone.

Answer 8

Please pay her and his sister no mind, if he did love her more, he would have stayed home and never married you
be happy with him, he knows more of what his mother is
about then you do, and doesn't take her to heart, don't take
her to seriously,you husband doesn't