My 8-year-old step-daughter doesn't listen to a thing I say to her. Everything I tell her goes in one ear and out the other and I'm tired of it. It's like a power struggle or something. It's really causing troubles daily for our family. Someone please help!
2007-03-28 04:31:37 · 23 answers · asked by Candi H 4 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
My husband does back me up. She is defiant at school as well. Like she thinks she knows better than everyone else. Her mother isn't a part of her life. She's supposed to be but she's not.
2007-03-28 04:40:06 · update #1
It's been 3 years.
2007-03-28 04:41:21 · update #2
I made it a point to mention "step-daughter" because it would be a completely different scenario if I had said daughter.
2007-03-28 05:02:01 · update #3
As a step child she doesn't feel she has to do anything you say cause you aren't her boss. Talk with her father and see if there is something underlying the problem.
I was a step child and that is how I felt. I was the problem child (oldest of 5) and was always in trouble with my step dad and I didn't listen either. He had no right to tell me what to do. He was my mothers husband but he was not my dad.
I was also a stepmother and I really resented my two step children. I did all kinds of things that I look back on & I was a cruel stepmom. (I am ashamed to admit that)
I can see both sides and you might consider family counceling with all three of you. If there are more kids involved take them too. I don't know that it would do any good cause of the way I felt & acted but it might help you.
I was the oldest of 5 and grew up being independant & strong headed and felt that I didn't have to mind my stepdad cause I had been in control since mom worked. When she married my stepdad felt he could control us. NO WAY! !
2007-03-28 04:54:23 · answer #1 · answered by bluebonnetgranny 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First lets look at the phrase. 8yr old Step Daughter. This tells me that Either A: you have not been in the famly for at least 5 years of her life, Or B: you do not accept her as your child. Not to be offincive, But this is a common attitude to seperate Blood and Step kids. This can be dammaging to the famliy and children involved. Maybe or Maybe not she has a mother she sees. This is not mentioned, and can be a contributing factor. Your best bet to Resolve the issue is to step back and allow her Father to Make the rules and you place your self temporally as a secondary enforcer, like a babysitter. New parents take time to adjust too. as do New kids. and there is never going to be a guarentee that the two of you will get allong. your best bet though is to place her best interest first. that does not mean her best Wants. Simply supply what you are able to give, leave the rest to dad. over time this will allow you to aquire a larger role. there are no quick fixes. and If dad is not willing to Take his part of the load, then in my ( opinion ) this would make him unworthy to be a father or husband. There are circumstances diffrent in every famliy. I have 3 teenagers and was raised with a stepfather who is a good man, it took me years to gain respect for him when he deserved it from the get go. Kids who loose parents are usually full of resentment anger and hatred. Try this for 90 days. if it doesn't work, then seek outside intervention. A counsoler, A psycharyst will only write a perscription. counsolors will try to fix the problem at its base. and if there is evedence of any one in the famly needing medacation, he can refer to a doctor to treat that.
I do for your hwole famly hope this is helpfull to you.
2007-03-28 11:56:38 · answer #2 · answered by krimlen 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I grew up with a step parent, and I think I can give you some insight.
The most important thing is to make sure that you and your husband are a single parental unit. That is, if you lay down the law on something, he NEEDS to back you up. When I was growing up, if my step dad said no, I'd go ask my mother. Make sure that she understands that that is NOT acceptable. Ground her for it; that sure got me to stop! If she sees that Dad will give her what she wants when you won't, it will tell her that you have no authority over her. The biggest mistake Dad can make is to undermine your authority.
Next, you need to set some ground rules. Make sure she knows that there is a set punishment for each offense, no questions asked. It has to be consistent. She should get the same punishment from Dad as she does from you for the same offense, so make sure you and Dad agree.
I hope I've helped. It's got to be pretty tough to be a step parent. Good luck!
2007-03-28 11:45:52 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to gain her respect and bond with her a certain level. If you two are having trouble connecting with each other plan a day just for the two of you. Go to six flags, Disney world, the zoo a movie and a nice dinner. If she is interested in something try to do that together. .
Time alone with my step-daughter when she was that age was where we got to really know each other. We went to the OU ~ Colorado football game, shopped stayed at a nice hotel and it was a lot of fun. She already had a mom but she learned to respect me and would do what I asked because she liked me and not because she felt like she had to.
Let her know you're not in competion with her and she'll stop trying to compete.
Good Luck!
2007-03-28 11:40:55 · answer #4 · answered by teana 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, first of all you have to ask why she doesn't respect you enough to listen to you. Maybe she is resentful towards your marriage to her dad.
Does she like you? No offense, I've always wondered why people marry someone their kids don't like...their kids should come first, not their relationship. How long have you two been married? If not but for a short amount of time, I'd say stop telling her what to do until she gets more used to you, and accepts that you are an authoritative figure...take it slower with her. But if you've been together for a while,
she probably just doesn't think you should be able to tell her what to do because your not her "mommy". Have your husband sit down with her and explain to her that even though you're not her mommy, that he is married to you, and loves you very much, and she should listen to you for him. What I'm saying is, since she listens to her father, make him tell her to listen to you, but in a nice, non-demanding way.
Hope it works out for you
2007-03-28 11:40:01 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe it's the way you tell her. She's a little young to be pulling power struggles. Come on, she's only eight. Giver her a break. What you should do, is speak nicley, yet firmly to her. Stay consistent in what you say. Example: If you want her to clean her room, then say: "your room's a little dirty, please clean it." If it's not clean, then say it again. Do not ignore the situation. If nothing gets done, say: "Well, I see that you like to play with (whatever toy it is), either clean your room or this toy gets taken away until I can see that you will keep your room clean on a regular basis." That should work. If it doesn't, then take away her stuff directly out of her room. She will learn that you will have the parental control
2007-03-28 11:39:23 · answer #6 · answered by nicoleblingy2003 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
okay i understand what you are going threw.. you have to kno that because you are her step mother things will never be perfect for right now.. your step daughter maybe feeling kind of sad about her real mother (even if she says she does not care) and that causes her to rebel against what you say... try really talking to her.. im not saying yelling because children hate it and then theydo and she will deff not listen to what you have to say.... i would say try to get more closer to her be like a friend to her then when you guys are friends she will not want to be rude with you because you guys are very close. like a real morther and daughter relationship.......it takes time tho! so dont expect a perfect relationship in a few days or week...
GOOD Luck!
ps what you r going threw is what many (step) parents feel when they enter in a family with children... ur not the only one....
2007-03-28 13:50:47 · answer #7 · answered by nora456a 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Her natural parent needs to take the lead and set the rule that you are a parent too. You should work to develop a trust relationship with her. Take her alone to a movie or concert and let her know you really are there for her as she grows you are in it for the long haul and would love to be a part of her life and not just a "step-parent". Make sure she knows you think of her as your own and be patient but firm. Good Luck!
2007-03-28 11:41:13 · answer #8 · answered by Walking on Sunshine 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Tell your husband to back you up, so that your stepdaughter knows you mean business. Explain to her that you are her stepmother and this is your house too and you need cooperation from the whole family to make things work.
I once read that it takes approximately 7 years for stepfamilies to finally come together and start functioning well. I think that's true! It's been almost 7 years for me now, and sometimes I think we're almost like a real family now! Best of luck.
2007-03-28 11:36:22 · answer #9 · answered by Ally O 3 · 4⤊ 1⤋
She just not used seeing other woman with her dad and that is normal.She missed her mom.
Why not bribing her just for now. This way, you can get her attention. Grab that opportunity to spend quality time with her when on a shopping or picnic..etc. Learn about her.Tell her a bed time fairy tale story,kiss her forehead and make jokes with her.Don't forget to tickle her and all. I bet in no time,she will learn to love and respect you. Don't be too hard on her,aight.
2007-03-28 11:49:53 · answer #10 · answered by violetta_eve 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋