why do we pine for lost love?

Question

my boyfriend is married, he said he was over it. not. he says her loves and misses me. so what. he was never there for me. the sex was hot but inconsistent. He does not have a car that runs or a job and he is married. he is bipolar, probably borderline, and he is a recovering alcoholic and an adderall addict. Also a compulsive masturbator who has a penchant for kinky sex. Why do I think I love him? How can I get over him. Why is it hard? He was like a pimp he could make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.

Answer 1

We don't pine for the lost love for one thing, its the fact that they could make us feel better about ourselves then we can that we pine for. The best bit toward coping with this is finaly realize you don't need him to feel beautiful, unforantly you wouldn't of got with him in the first place if you could do that yourself... so your paying the price of not loving yourself without him. Till you get past that your never going to be able to cope with that loss. Besides the human heart forgives, but never forgets which is what makes it so hard. Accept the history you shared and the lessons you learned which namly is that your better then this guy, just too bad after everything was said and done you still don't feel that. Work on that because I don't have to know this guy, you made him what he is to you. You love him based on your own perception of him, so someone else could be around him and throw-up after two minutes if thats what they felt and it wouldn't change the way you feel about him. So in other words you love him because you can't let yourself feel any different (this could be a combination of things and unless you were on a couch and I was in a chair we could go there here) Start loving yourself more then this jack***, its hard because now your paying the debt you had before you even got into a relationship with him for not loving yourself, and he was only a pimp because you let him be that pimp. Which means good news! Theres better matterial for you to work with out there, just realize you deserve so much more!

Answer 2

What you had with your former BF was a classic codependent relationship.

In this type of relationship, you were a "Rescuer." The female equivalent of a knight in shining armour. You were attracted to a man so broken that you felt that only you could fix him, to bring him around, to change his ways if you just loved him enough. Yet, the more you gave, the less you got in return.

This was the way you were raised. You always gave more than you got in return. You also loved him because he reminded you of someone very close to you -- someone who also had many problems.

You let your caring for him define who you are. Now that the object of your love and care is gone, so is your identity. You are not just pining for him, but also pining for the person you were to him. You felt love because of what you did and what you gave instead of who you are.

Needless to say, codependent relationships are not healthy ones. They're called "codependent" because each person in them is dependent upon the other for emotional support.

Your emotional strength should come from within and not from without. You do not need to take care of someone in order for them to love you. You should be loved unconditionally for who you are and not for what you can do.

Unfortunately, this is how you defined love in the past.

You do not need a man to make you whole. Rather you need to become whole unto yourself, to love yourself first, and to feel deserving of other's love.

For you to get over him, you need to change this pattern of yours, and for that to happen requires professional help. I recommend that you find a therapist who is trained in working with women who have been in codependent relationships.

In time, and with the proper help, you will be the person who you were meant to be.