Am I mean to not accept my stepson?

Question

My stepson abused my 2 yougnest daughters when he was 12 and they where 4 and 6,, it was only touching in genital areas, but I still feel violated for my daughters, since this has happenned i have been put on anxiety medication and cannot stand the kid when he is around, he is 16 now and i still cannot accept him. I love his father, but wonder if eventually this will just tear us apart. I am starting to feel like it's a losing battle and i want to give up.
My daughters are fine, they have been to councelling and councellor says that no damage was done.
but this kid has been trouble from very beginning. He has also stolen money from me and others, as well as been in trouble with the law... I was told he was a pathalogical liar by one of teh doctors i met.. im at my wits end,, what do i do? stay with dad and wait till kid goes out of town to school, or just get my sanity back and kick his dad out to have him out of my life as well?? I have been with his father 6 years,

The son was told to move in with his mom when all this happenned, I have forgiven him, but I canno't forget.
The innocence of my children was stolen.
I am trying very hard to make him feel at home, on the outside everyone thinks, things are perfect, Only I live with this pain in my heart!
Thank you to all for their wonderful answers

The sonis not allowed at any time alone with my daughters, he does not even come on family vacations. He sees his dad once a week outside of home for a movie date and dinner, and every second weekend.

Answer 1

This is a very tough issue! While you are not expected to love a child unconditionally who is not your own child, you can love them. In your case, this child has made it too difficult for you to love him. You are not being mean. He has some huge issues that could stem from the divorce of his own parents, but they cannot be made YOUR issues! Unfortunately, they already are.

It's up to his own father to deal with him, and if he's not doing anything regarding this, you may have to leave in order to save yourself. While you can't force your husband to choose between you and his son, you can tell him that this 'child' is destroying your life and you have to make a decision. On the other hand, if you love this man and know that when your stepson has moved away that you will have a great relationship, it may be worth holding on for 2 more years.

What you need to ask yourself is whether you are holding on to what happened in the past and allowing it to destroy you now, or whether everything he does continues to cause disruptions in your life. If he is slowly growing up, perhaps you can hold out the 2 years, and if he is causing daily disruptions, you can't.

While I understand that you may never get over what he did back then, if you can find a way to get past it for now, perhaps you can get by until he leaves home.

It's a tough call. Good Luck!

Answer 2

Go to church and learn forgiveness. You are allowing all kinds of negative feelings to rule your live and your view of the people in it. It sounds as if your stepson doesn't have the greatest life to begin with, which would explain his acting out at 12 onward. And your negativity toward him cannot be helping the situation. Why not try to relate to him on his level, think of all the things he's been thru, and then invite him out to lunch (just the two of you). Go to the mall, have lunch and see a movie. It will take work for you two to develope a bond but you need to do it if you are going to serve any purpose in his life other than the naysayer. Also, to clear the air, you and your stepson could sit down at the kitchen table, put on a kettle of tea, with no interruptions (no other family members - have your husband take them out, no phones, no tv, NOTHING) and tell him that he's an adult now and you wish to work on a relationship but you both must clear the air about the events in the past. See what he has to say (I'll bet he is sorry for what he did). Don't accuse and make sure to really listen to what he has to say with an open heart and mind. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 3

You probably aren't going to like this, but you did ask....

has your stepson ever received any counseling or therapy? do you know who might have abused him?

from what you describe, your stepson's behaviors could be the result of abuse he suffered in the past.

yes your daughters are important, and it's a shame they were violated, and i'm glad they have recovered from the incident.... but the boy needs and deserves HELP. A 12 year old may not be totally responsible for his actions and he could have been emulating what someone else did to him.

most kids are "trouble" because they have emotional problems which are usually the result of abusive parents or other adults....

You need to grow up first... YOU are wallowing in self-pity and taking medication because of a child's actions....instead of treating this in an adult manner, you whine and moan and wonder what YOU are going to do.

do you suppose that, at 12 years old, this boy had been suffering because of some traumatic event in his OWN life?

most sexual offenders and child abusers do so because they are repeating treatment which was put upon them during their childhood.

It's apparently all about you --

you could stop letting others control your feelings.

you are fighting some useless "battle" over there because you and his father apparently did not take control and get help for the kid long ago.

Answer 4

The girls counceller said that there was no damage done? What a crock! I was sexually abused by my cousin who was babysitting me when I was five. It took me a long time to trust again. Thank god he's in jail now for murder. He has also committed many sexual assaults and rape over the years! I would kick the kid to the curb and if the father is standing up for him, I'd kick him out too. I know that blood is thick, but if the boy has been through councelling and nothing seems to work, tell your spouse your anxieties, and if he doesn't understand, as hard as it will be, say your good byes.

Answer 5

I can't blame you for feeling this way. I hope you got counceling as well. At any rate, why do you have to make nice-nice with the kid just because you are married to his Dad? Does his Dad know how you feel? If he does and you have been honest with him, he should not have a problem with you leaving the house when the kid comes around. Go visit a friend or family and keep your distance. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. Sounds to me like Dad might be taking up for the kid...umm? I don't think I could handle that. Maybe you both need counseling and distance from the kid. Godloveya.

Answer 6

I would feel the same way and it is wrong for anyone to expect you to feel differently. What help has been given to your step son? Sounds like he has some severe behavioral problems and probably didn't get enough discipline growing up. I don't think it is ever to late to set him straight. You don't have to love him, I would try to tolerate him (does he live with you?) hopefully it is only on weekends that you see him. I think he is also old enough for you to sit him down and tell him how you feel about what he did to your girls and that this has put a forever wedge between you and him. What punishment was given to him over his fondling your girls? I would also set down ground rules, if he has stolen from you he will again. I hope you called the police. He needs to suffer consequences EVERY SINGLE TIME that he is out of line. If his Dad doesn't agree with that then I would not fight a losing battle and I'd be gone!

Answer 7

I think you should approach this as if he were your own son. What would you do in those circumstances? Would you abandon him? Have you shown him love since you have been living together? Does he feel attacked, isolated or neglected?

When you consistently show people love and understanding, they tend to respond. Parents have unparalleled power when it comes to the productivity of the children in their care. What you sow, so you shall reap. Some parents struggle to find love for children who are not their own blood. One needs to look beyond this and see another human being who needs your help. He was only 12 when he touched your daughters, it's unfortunate that happened, but was the opportunity taken to discuss the matter with him and resolve all the issues surrounding it? To monitor and guide him with love and understanding? The very idea may be unpalatable to your, which may be the reason for the deterioration in his behaviour. Fortunately, your daughters are ok, but sexual indiscretions are quite common amongst boys of that age. It does'nt mean they gravitate to greater indiscretions. One must try to be sober about these matters and not get caught up in the current climate of hypersensitivity regarding sexual transgressions.

You need to forgive him and engage him. Don't be judgemental, find it in your heart to help him. Let him know you love him and want to help him. Many a child has misbehaved in their youth, stolen etc. and turned it around with the help of loving parents. If you abandon him, it could make matters worse for his future prospects. Invest the time and effort you would with your own son in similar circumstances. Be generous.

Answer 8

The son will always be an issue. You have every right however to insist that he not be a part of your life, or your daughters. Tell your husband that both he and the son need to understand that their relationship may only be "off premise" and that under no circumstances will he be allowed to come to your home, or meet at social functions with you or daughters. Tell your husband that you understand his need to be a part of his son's life. (As he should be). However, that doesnt mean, given the history, that you or your daughters have any reason to be a part of his life. If you handle this calmly, maturely, and lovingly, there is no reason for it to destroy your marriage.

Answer 9

wow this is a hard position to be in. first of all does his father know what he is doing? its obvious that the son has problems that he needs to work out. but one thing you have to remember is you have two precious little girls to worry about and they are more important. the doctor says there was no damage done but do they remember? the doctor can say there is no damage done but what about the girls and their feelings. and why wasn't something done with the son? he shouldn't be allowed to be around them. and for you you have to be the strong one for them putting yourself on anxiety medicine is not going to make the problems go away. and its not going to help any of them for that matter. what you need to do is talk to the father and let him know how its making you feel living with this abuse and if he loves you he will do something about it. maybe you can move and get your own place for the time being until his son grows up and leaves if he ever does. or tell his father you guys need a break. then the biggest question to yourself is how is he reacting to the situation? if he is not reacting then the best thing is for you to move on you have two girls to worry about.

Answer 10

Wow, this is a tough situation. I certainly understand how you feel. I don't know if I'd ever be able to get over someone doing that to my daughters. On the other hand, he is part of your family. It seems to me that his father should be more involved in getting him help and making sure he does what he is supposed to do. I would do anything necessary to keep your girls safe. Have you all been to family counseling? If you want to keep your family together, this may be your best bet. If you love your husband try to work things out. If not, then by all means take your girls and start anew life on your own. Good luck.