Everytime I plan to get together with family and one of my step-siblings is involved, he always insists on changing the plans to suit his needs at the last minute. He is more of a partier than the rest of us, so maybe he thinks nothing of insisting that a whole bunch of his friends tag along, or insisting that we go out to a bar when someone has planned a party at home. This has happened with him several times now. He acts like he has no concern for other people's plans, and if other people do not want to go out, he calls them "boring." I like going out to bars, and have several times with him, but I don't like doing it if I'm planning a party and it's supposed to be at home. I'm having a birthday party this weekend and setting it up is costing me a lot of money. I only invited my closest friends and fam. Once again, he's asking if we can go out to a bar with his friends instead. Is this just rude or oblivious? How do I deal with this? (I yelled at him about it on New Year's)
2007-03-28 03:55:01 · 8 answers · asked by sylvia62002 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I should add that I'm the only one in my family who stands up to his behavior. The rest accept that he is flawed somehow and talk about it behind his back. I have tried to help him out a lot through some hard times and have faith in him, and have not expected him to treat me the same way, but he has over the past year. He was not like this before his divorce.
I can't just "let him go" because he is family. I will have to always see him.
My concern is not that he wants to go out to a bar instead of my party. It's that he will pressure others to go. That will just be annoying for everyone, and I don't want that at my party.
I guess I am too forgiving. I have explained to him a few times now that I will not tolerate his behavior. He refuses to listen. I will have to stop inviting to things, I guess.
2007-03-28 10:54:46 · update #1
If you have tried to tell him that this is a problem for you and others (his changing the plans at the last minute with no consideration for those who take time to set up the arrangements) and he continues to do it over and over again then it is up to you and your family to step up and tell him no. Let him know that these are the plans that are made and he's welcome to join in or make his own plans and go on his own. Sounds like he is needing to have his friends around him to feel important and is disregarding the feelings of other family members. Try to be very straight forward and blunt with him, tell him he's making others mad when he does this and ask him to go along with the family stuff the way it is. Then tell him that he can plan "party at the bar" time with his friends on other evenings.
Good luck.
2007-03-28 12:43:40 · answer #1 · answered by hr4me 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's YOUR party (not his) - so have it the way you want to (no, don't include his friends). IF your other family members feel the same as you do, they must be more vocal to him about the way they feel. That way next time a family event is planned - he won't be so apt to want to include all of his friends in the party at some bar somewhere knowing full well nobody will want to do it. Even if he DOES suggest it again in the future - after everyone has already told him that is not what they want - at least you & the rest of your family will have a united front on this.
Yes he's rude - just wants to keep his OWN party going (not to mention extroidinarily inmmature). Be the better person and the more mature one. Just plan your own party - invite him - if he doesn't come - that's up to him. NOT worth arguing about in the least. I wouldn't give it a second thought, and certainly not worth an argument - he either comes or he doesn't come. BUT, the rest of your family should back you up on this.
2007-03-28 04:05:11 · answer #2 · answered by svmainus 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He's being just plain rude...you have let him get away with it in the past and he will keep on doing so until you make it stop. Tell him that you are having a party...that is it..you are not going anywhere else but your home and neither are the people you have invited. Tell him that you would be more than happy to go to the bar with him another day but not the day of your party! If he chooses to go to the bar instead so be it..say goodbye and let him go. You'll probably have much more fun without him!
2007-03-28 04:13:39 · answer #3 · answered by pamomof4 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would tell my friends IN ADVANCE that he's trying to change plans and if they want to go out with him, let you know and you can plan for those who don't want to go. He's got to be in control...don't let him do it. Yes, he's rude and Yes, you can do things to stop him. If it's boring to those who you invited, don't ask them back. You're going to have to stand up to him like an adult, no yelling. Keep your cool. If that doesn't work, cancel the party and treat yourself to a massage and a day at the spa. Godloveya.
2007-03-28 05:10:46 · answer #4 · answered by Sassy OLD Broad 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell him yeah sure, everyone can go out to the bar, that's a lovely idea and you wish you would of thought of it first. Name the bar and tell him what time to be there. Then have your party at home, you won't have to worry that he'll show up with his friends.
2007-03-28 04:25:44 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you are encouraging his behavior every time you concede to his request to change everyone's plans for him. Simply state, "No, our plans are this... and if you (and maybe a date not your entire friend list) want to participate, follow our plans." Don't yell at him, simply exclude him from the plans.
If he refers to you as boring, simply state, "No, we/I are/am not boring, we'll have a great time at my house with or without you."
2007-03-28 04:13:30 · answer #6 · answered by Carol D 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would stop letting him know about any get-togethers. If he asks why, tell him why. He'll get over it!
2007-03-28 04:07:52 · answer #7 · answered by Lynne 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to stick to your plan. It is none of his business to change your plan.
2007-03-28 04:06:30 · answer #8 · answered by Kimora Miranda 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋