Part 1
http://au.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AsokL089VriwciwchHVx5eXg5gt.?qid=20070327082635AAixv20
Part 2
People here are blowing this WAY out of proportion. I have NEVER spend much time much less the night at James’ house since he moved back here. I certainly didn’t plan on falling asleep at his house. He had broken up with his girlfriend 3 days earlier and asked me to keep him company once I got there. I FELL ASLEEP! I’m an incredibly deep sleeper which is why I didn’t get up after a few hours. I woke up covered by a blanket on James’ sofa and when I saw the dozens of missed calls and voicemails I had I rushed home. I’ve never cheated on anyone and neither has James. My husband and him simply don’t get along because my husband is convinced James wants me back which is just crazy. My husband is a dentist and dated on of his assistants during an off period in those 3 years who he still works with today and I have no problem with that.
2007-03-28 02:57:45 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
My husband agreed to compromise to let me spend time with James at our place which to me is just a sign that he doesn’t trust me. I want this marriage to work because I truly do love my husband but I don’t think I should have to stand for my husband telling who I can and cannot see. Where do we go from here?
2007-03-28 02:57:59 · update #1
Quote..."I woke up covered by a blanket on James' sofa" unquote...
If James is such a caring friend, instead of covering you with a blanket, why didn't he wake you up and send you home...especially if he knew it could cause problems with your husband if you stayed out all night...not so crazy after all is it...seems like if that is what he did, then he wants to cause problems and maybe have you get divorced...
2007-03-28 03:18:17 · answer #1 · answered by sarch_uk 7 · 5⤊ 0⤋
Do the right thing and tell James that you can no longer continue a relationship with him. As wrong as this might seem to you, it is the right thing to do.
If you continue to be "just friends" with James, it's only a matter of time before your intimacy will naturally develop into deeper feelings. Whether or not you have any intentions of a "romantic" relationship with James, you are definitely laying the ground work for one.
And while James' intentions might be innocent, guys are programmed sex machines (sorry, couldn't think of a better analogy). One look at you in low-cut skirt, tight jeans, flattering clothes, even the smell of your hair and those hormones will kick in. He'll wait for a cue from you, of course, but who knows the predicament you'll be in; relaxed after a nice meal and some wine, and whamo!, your marriage is toast.
Do what you can to get to know your husband better. Create new experiences with him. Take a trip, play a sport together, donate your time to some charity together. It isn't important what it is but rather making some memories together and strengthening your bond.
If you still feel the need to see James, I'd strongly recommend that the three of you meet together. It's not right that you see him against your husband's will. Not being old-fashioned, it's just the decent and right thing to do.
Good luck!
2007-03-28 08:34:53 · answer #2 · answered by Big Blue 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I honestly think you already know the answer, but you are searching for justification to do what you know is the wrong thing.
You have to ask yourself what is more important:
A loving and trust-filled marriage.
A platonic friendship with an ex-boyfriend.
I'd say the ex has plans, anyway, otherwise he would have woken you up and sent you on your way. At the very least, he should have called your husband, and had him come get you if you were too tired to drive.
You are trying to make yourself out as the victim, here, but you're treating your husband as secondary to your ex-boyfriend.
As a husband, myself, I know where that would lead.
If my wife spent the night at her ex-boyfriend's house and didn't answer her phone all night, she'd better hope he can support her, and will take her and all her stuff in. Immediately.
And she'd better be prepared to not have custody of the children, either.
It is a matter of trust, and by not answering his calls all night while you were at your ex-boyfriend's house, you showed him that you can't really BE trusted.
In that situation, it is really irrelevant whether or not something DID happen. All appearances are that something did. And for someone feeling threatened... that can be enough.
If your husband is willing to compromise by having this friend of yours whom he dislikes in the same house as him so that you two can remain friends, you should take that for what it's worth and accept it.
To insist that you must go to the ex' house is to exacerbate the trust issue.
And really... to do that, YOU are exacerbating the trust issue.
You're rubbing salt in the wound.
Best bet is to accept the compromise. at least he's willing to compromise, which it appears you're not.
Thus, he's the more giving in the relationship.
2007-03-28 12:38:05 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your husband acts like he doesn't trust you, because you haven't demonstrated trustworthy behavior. It's all good and well that you only slept when you were at the guy's house, but come on--get real. That is not the way married people behave.
Why should he trust you? You spent the night at an ex boyfriend's house and didn't respond to his calls and voice mails. I truly can't blame your husband for considering divorce if you don't start acting like a wife instead of a single party girl.
Quite frankly, if James was truly your friend, instead of putting a blanket on you while you slept, he would have awakened you and sent you on home so your husband wouldn't worry about you. This man is not your friend, even if you think he is.
2007-03-28 07:31:27 · answer #4 · answered by Daisy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can see both points of view on this question. If you truly do have just a platonic relationship with James, then I'm certain you HATE feeling that your husband is distrustful of you.
However, I can also see your husband's point of view. There are always going to be too many evil thoughts in his head when you and James are together.
And working with someone you formerly dated, in an office environment, is much different than spending time with that person in the privacy of their own home.
If you truly do love your husband and want to keep him, you probably are going to have to give up your friendship with James. I'm certain that as a man, he will understand, because he would be able to understand the same feelings if a similar situation occurred with his wife seeing an ex-boyfriend.
The only other possible resolution I could see is if, in the future, James has another woman in his life, perhaps you could encourage a couples' friendship where all of you could do things and be included. Perhaps something similar could be cultivated now, if you began trying to include your husband in things that you do with James.
2007-03-28 03:15:00 · answer #5 · answered by JenV 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You must decide who is more important, your platonic friend or your husband.
I understand your desire to have this friend, but you also need to look at from your husbands point of view. He is feeling threatened. The fact that you seem so adamant to keep this 'friend' only makes him feel uneasy about the situation.It makes him wonder WHY you need this person in your life more than him. I think spending time at your house is a good idea.
That way you still get to see your friend but your husband will have confidence that this is only a friendship. Marriage is about considering the other persons feelings and reaching a compromise. This seems like a decent mid-road. This compromise takes into account his insecurity while also allowing you to keep this friend. If things are truly platonic you should not need to spend time alone over at the friends house. I'm sure if this was explained to the friend he would understand. Start just having the friend to your house for a while. I'm sure after a few months of trustworthy behavior you can upgrade from there.
Honestly, If any one person were causing that big of a rift in my marriage I am afraid I would have to dump the friend. Not because of any control issues with hubby, but out of respect for his feelings. A friend is one thing, but a husband is supposed to be there forever. Who is more important to you?
Even if your hubby and him don't get along maybe take you hubby along on a few of your get togethers with this friend. That way your hubby will at least feel included (even if he hates the guy) and will be less likely to feel so jealous.
You may not be cheating, but you are setting yourself up in a fishy looking situation. Sometimes it doesn't matter what the hell you did... just what it looks like you did. Don't get yourself into those situations.
2007-03-28 04:17:41 · answer #6 · answered by scottishduffy 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
People are saying that your husband has trust issues as if that's a bad thing are absurd. You need to work on your marriage... not your friendship with this guy. Your husband has good reason to mistrust you especially when you're not listening to his needs. You're the one in the wrong here... your husband is just being human which is not an excuse... he shouldn't even have to spell this out for you... nor should a hundred people on Y!A. Get a grip... you're in the wrong.
2007-03-28 23:16:20 · answer #7 · answered by THATgirl 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you know, your spending time with a old boyfriend and you slept on his couch unintentional or not, thats a little close for comfort, probobly for any man. bob would be uncomfortable if his wife was doing this, because all he knows is that your cheating on him.
You may be more non chaulante then him about being around people you were in a relationship with before.
Bob would say, your best bet is to get them to be friends, he probobly will still be jelous, but it might leave more room for you to hang out with this guy and keep your husband.
2007-03-29 21:58:01 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would not even be able to ask this question if I were you - because in the same situation - my husband would have killed me. Dead.
Seriously - you spent the night at an ex-boyfriend's house and didn't answer your phone all night? Are you firetrucking kidding me? I don't talk to my ex-boyfriends, I don't talk about my ex-boyfriends, I don't even make general references to things I've done or places I went with them. They are ex-boyfriends for a reason. Good Lord Woman - I don't know why he hasn't divorced you yet.
2007-03-28 08:04:58 · answer #9 · answered by Catherine T 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think your husband has some serious trust issues. Maybe you should see whats going on in his world with that co-worker he dated . . .
I've fallen asleep at my exes house and my boyfriend has not had a problem with it. He knows how I am and how I feel about him. As much as I WAS in love with my ex seven years ago, that was a long time in the past, and I do love her, but not that way. Besides she's got a positively lovely girlfriend now.
I'd be a little freaked out about his reactions
2007-03-28 03:04:32 · answer #10 · answered by Songbird 5 · 1⤊ 2⤋