My boyfriend is moving too fast and I'm not ready?

Question

I have been divorced for about 6 months from a very verbally abusive marriage. I have been seeing a man casually for several months. We have become wonderful friends, but he has known from the beginning that I am not interested in a long-term, committed relationship. I want to be single for a while first. It is getting to the point in our relationship that he is constantly asking why I can't be in a relationship. He tells me all the time now that he loves me and can't live without me. I am not even comfortable being intimate with him anymore because of all of this pushing. I do love to spend time with him and I think we get along great! I just don't understand why he needs the relationship to be "defined" or why he can't be happy where we are. I have never asked him for anything more than companionship. He is also divorced from a woman who cheated on him. Am I just being incredibly selfish and unfair, or am I allowed to want to be single for a while?

Answer 1

sweetie you need to tell him how you feel that his moving to fast.
if he don't understand then his not the right guy for you

Answer 2

You are in no circumstances being selfish!

This man sounds extremely needy and he is latching onto you.

He is the one being incredibly selfish - you have just come out of an abusive relationship and he should not be pressuring you in this way!

You need to firmly tell him that you are not ready or willing for any form of relationship right now.

This might alienate him from you, but in the long run this might be better for you.

The last thing you need is a needy man.

You sound like you are strong, I know how bad relationships can weaken you - don't let this man bully you into anything you don't want.

Have fun, be single, and let the right guy come along :o)

Answer 3

Carly B girl you need to tell him to either slow down or take a hike. You are very vulnerable right now, it takes time & being analytical with yourself; to figure out who you are, what you want, whether you want a relationship and the parameters your willing to be involved with.

Also please be very careful, there are so many STD's out there that can have a profound effect on your future. Sounds like your boyfriend has serious issues and wants. Maybe because you've been intimate he feels you need nurturing and protecting? Maybe he's very possessive and wants to control you? Maybe he needs you completely to be his to feel life is worth something? Only u know him, we can only guess...

Your NOT being selfish nor unfair! Both of you need to be single for a while. Enjoy each others company, both of you need to learn to be without a husband/wife scenario. So you have time to find out what direction, what each of you need to have a full and satisfying life. Whether together or not this could be a wonderful friendship as each of you find your inner self.
Good luck, be honest with the guy and maybe he'll respect you enough to back off of commitments. Have a wonderful, full life in your new phase. You write like your headed in the correct direction for you. Hopefully he'll take the same time to find out what he needs before pressuring someone to be his wife or partner.

Answer 4

The fact that his wife cheated on him leaves him feeling insecure. He believes he loves you (and very well may, I've no idea) and in that belief he wants to feel security. He wants his love returned.

You're not being selfish. You've recently gone through a lot of very stressful times and recovering from them can take years. If he truly does love you then he'll have to abide by your rules and wait it out. I suggest having an open and very honest conversation with him about things. Explain to him that his constant pushing for definition of your relationship is causing you to not want any form of relationship with him at all. Express to him how you feel about him and if you can possibly figure it out, express how you'd like to see things end up between you two when you're ready. Most importantly you need to make him understand that this isn't his fault, that this is just something you need to do for yourself in order to ever have a healthy relationship again.

Again, if he loves you, he'll accept this and either stick out or move on.

Answer 5

tell him how u feel and if doesn't understand and keeps pressuring u then kick him to the curve b/c u don't need that in ur life right now. no ur not being selfish or unfair u went through a bad marriage and being single for a while would really help u out. tell him that u want time to take it slow and that right now u really don't want a relationship that u need time to heal and forget ur bad marriage. good luck

Answer 6

Sorry to hear of your misfortune with a guy who's abusive. Whether it's physical or verbal it's abuse! If you feel comfortable moving on, do it! If you feel the guy that's abusive will listen to reason, tell him that you'll no longer put up with this sort of behavior and you want changes. If there's no hope move on and don't feel bad about it. Mom use to say you only have one go around in this life, you might as well make the best out of every moment. Hey, good luck to ya!

Answer 7

NO, you are not being selfish...I have been where you are now, and still am. There is nothing wrong with wanting to take the time to feel secure with in yourself. Being in an abusive, violent, relationship takes something away from us, and sometimes it takes us a while to pull ourselves together and figure out who "we" are again. If this "friend" can't understand that and give you your space to figure this out....then maybe he has some issues of his own....good luck.

Answer 8

You are allowed to be whatever way you want to be, regardless of what HE selfishly wants! Tell him to put the brakes on, or it's over. He'll either give you the space you need to heal, or he'll leave. He seems a bit obsessed, which is not a good sign. People don't try to browbeat their loved one in a healthy relationship. You might bring that up, too.

Answer 9

So what was the question? Cause I think you answered it yourself and are just feeling guilty about it.

Its really not fair that he put this kind of stress of you knowing you just got out of a bad relationship. Some people heal faster then others. Do what is right for you.

Answer 10

I am in the same situation. That can be very irritating and a huge turn off. Explain to him that you are just not ready and let it be that. If he can't accept that he may be the stalker type.LOL I am a woman and I don't know why but I don't like it when men are all luvie dubby with me I like a challenge sometimes.

Answer 11

You are allowed to wait as long as it takes for you to be comfortable. You are number 1 and don't ever let anyone push you into something you're not comfortable with!